Barnsley Bob's, it takes all types to go farming

[IsaanAussie]

Be they Aussies from the auto industry (when we had one) like me. Yanks from the jewelry industry or the golf courses, even farms in the deserts of Mexico. Plagues of vikings that have beached their ships in Isaan. New Zealanders that spent way too much time alone with their sheep. Or even ex-Yorkshire taxi drivers. If you look at us all, we are now farmers in Thailand, or maybe will be soon.

This is a small jibe at the men from Yorkshire, and one in particular. Only intended for a laugh, or a maybe a small rebutal for all those computer cut and paste goes at me.

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

..............................................................................

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

..............................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

..............................................................................

The last is always best

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[loong]

You are wrong . You didn't save the best for last.

I was just having a swig of my beer when I read the first one and spat it all over the screen,

"e by gum"

Brilliant

[grimleybob]

I ad to tek wife to ospital at Barnsley last neet.

Shid got two black eyes, a broken nooas and three broken teeth.

Doctor sed ars she got these injuries.

A sed going through change.

E sed yer carnt get injuries like that going thoo,t change.

A sed that can if it's in my pockit

[pigeonjake]

ill add mine as well then sod it,

old yorkshire pit man gets home from work to find his wife in a pool of blood in the hallway,

he says e bygum lass whats wrong,

she said im bleeding from down there,,

call the doctor,

he calls doctor, tells him what hes found and shes bleeding from down bellow,

doctor asks, has your wife got the coil in??

husband says, got bloody coil in, she ent even even done me bloody tea ni mind coil in,

[grimleybob]

what do you call a member of MENSA in Australia?

an immigrant

[loong]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[loong]

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.

"Mom's weighing the mailman."

[IsaanAussie]

A Farang farmer goes to the local village Wat to talk to the head Monk. "Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Monk asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "It’s my wife, I am sure she is married to her "brother" and they are conspiring to poison me."

The Monk seems very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you now my money is all gone, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Monk then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the man goes to see the Monk again, who says, "I spoke to your wife for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said, "Yes" and the Monk replied, "Take the poison."

[David48]

Two neighbouring Yorkshire farmers, John and John, went to The Farmers Fair in Ilkley, where they both bought a pig. When they got home, John asked John how they would tell who owned which pig as they seemed to be the same size and age.

"Well," said John, "I'll cut off one of my pig's ears. How's that?"

"Fine, I guess," said the other John.

This worked until a couple of weeks later when John stormed into the house.

"John," he said. "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we have two pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which pig now?"

"Well John," said John. "I'll cut the other ear off my pig. Then we'll have two pigs and only one of them will have an ear."

"Ah there's a good idea," said John.

Again this worked fine until another couple of weeks later when John stormed into the house again.

"John," he said. "Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we've got two pigs with no ears. How are we going to tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah this is serious, John," said John. "I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll cut the tail off my pig. Then we'll have two pigs with no ears and only one pig with a tail."

"Ah that would be good," says John.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, John stormed into the house once more.

"John," shouted John. "Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we have two pigs with no ears and no tails. How are we going to tell them apart?"

.

.

.

.

"Ah, well, John," says John. "Why don't we just make this simple. How about if you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."

[IsaanAussie]

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Fred, wake up! You've shit the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

[pigeonjake]

yorkshire writing for you,

CDEMDERAMYDEMDERSRDONKEYSRDRDRRDELRDR

SEE IF YOU CAN WORK IT OUT

[loong]

I was having a drink in a village pub and told the barman that there was this crazy man was driving a tractor up the lane screaming "T' END OF THE WORLD IS UOPN US, T' END IS NIGH!"

He just replied"Neigh worries our lad, that'll only be Farmer Geddon"

[IsaanAussie]

In that vane Loong, I used to cherish the Aussie spirit of coping it sweet (laughing at yourself). So:

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend, "That'll be us in ten years."

He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you idiot."

[farmerjo]

You heard about irelands worst aircraft disaster.

A cessna plane crashed into a cematory.

Fire and rescue have recovered 12 bodies and more are expected as digging continues through the night.

[IsaanAussie]

Emergency workers from Europe, umm I know one about Italian Firemen. Assume I modified it to mention farms.

One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Eizabeth, NJ . This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Giancarlo Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

[farmerjo]

Back to the english,by the way my grandfather was english.

A little story when i just finished my appreticeship i worked at a engineering shop in spearwood wa.

I worked with a man called nipper from cornwell for 6 years,lovely fello.

Funny thing was after all that time i still didnt understand what he said.

[IsaanAussie]

Back to the english,by the way my grandfather was english.

A little story when i just finished my appreticeship i worked at a engineering shop in spearwood wa.

I worked with a man called nipper from cornwell for 6 years,lovely fello.

Funny thing was after all that time i still didnt understand what he said.

Know exactly what you mean. Arrrh! Just pass 'e ova tother side

[IsaanAussie]

Ever heard an Isaan Ghost story?

A very lucky young Thai from Isaan was attending University in Bangkok at the expense of his family who could only just afford it. Every chance he got he returned to the village by the cheapest bus he could get. So he was on the side of the road a few kilometers from home basically hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a pickup slowly coming towards him and stopped.

Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the pickup and closed the door, only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The pickup started moving slowly. The student looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the pickup hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. The student, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window but it never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter the student saw the lights of the village appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside the nearest house and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and he wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like the student, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around and seeing the student sobbing, one said to the other "Look, there's that <deleted> idiot that got in the pickup while we were pushing it!!!!"

Edited August 16, 2013 by IsaanAussie

[IsaanAussie]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block..'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[IsaanAussie]

The septics have been quiet so far, so here's a heart starter for you:

Texas Sex ... (The Rodeo Position)

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.

One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your gal down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.'"

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!

[David48]

Speaking of Yanks and Farming ...

ee if you can pass the Redneck Readin' Test...

M R Ducks

M R Not

M R Too

C M Wangs

L I B...M R Ducks

M R Mice

M R Not

S A R...C M E D B D Feet?

L I B...M R Mice!

M R Puppies

M R Not

O S A R...C M P N?

L I B...M R Puppies.

M R Farmers.

M R Not!

O S A R...C M M T Pockets?

L I B...M R Farmers.

=== Translation Follows ===

M R Ducks = Them Are Ducks
M R Not = Them Are Not
M R Too = Them Are Too
C M Wangs = See Them Wings
L I B...M R Ducks = Well I Be - Them Are Ducks

M R Mice = Them Are Mice
M R Not = Them Are Not
S A R...C M E D B D Feet? = Yes They Are - See Them Iddy Biddy Feet ?
L I B...M R Mice! = Well I Be - Them Are Mice

M R Puppies = Them Are Puppies
M R Not = Them Are Not
O S A R...C M P N? - Oh Yes They Are - See Them Peeing?
L I B...M R Puppies. = Well I Be - Them Are Puppies

M R Farmers = Them Are Farmers
M R Not = Them Are Not
O S A R...C M M T Pockets? = Oh Yes They Are - See Them Empty Pockets ?
L I B...M R Farmers = Well I Be - Them Are Farmers