Need Help (unwanted pregnancy)

[orbital777]

I hope this is the right forum. If not, my apologies and please move it.

I have a situation that has caused me untold amounts of stress in the past month or so and would appreciate any advice that you all may have. This is going to be quite long as I want to give the full back story. Thanks in advance for all who read and/or offer advice.

I met a Thai girl on a online dating site about 3 months ago. I am 34 and have lived in Chiang Mai for a little over a year. She is 27 and from Chiang Mai. She has worked in the hotel/guesthouse industry for years. She said that she has never worked in a bar. We started dating and seeing each other a lot. She stayed with me every night. We both said right away that we did not want children. We used protection (condoms) for the first couple weeks. Then she complained that they hurt her and were no fun as well. I said we should use one, what if she gets pregnant? etc. She said it won't happen, don't worry. Leaving aside my better judgement I had sex with her for the next two weeks without a condom using only the pull out method. After this two week period we agreed that she should get on birth control. She got the pills and I reminded her every day to take them.

There were some problems in the relationship at about the 2 month point which first arose from me noticing that some of my money was going missing on a couple of occasions. You figure that you can trust someone after basically living together for a few months so I just kept my money in my bag in my room. Always 20k or less. I never counted it but always had a rough idea of how much was there. I had some suspicions that a few thousand had gone missing so I triple checked the amount that I had one night before I went out. Sure enough the next morning there was 1k missing. I tried to approach the topic as delicately as possible with her. I wanted her to know that I wasn't mad at all. And I would be happy to work out some sort of agreement in regards to money if she needed some. But that I couldn't tolerate what basically amounts to theft in my mind. I totally expected this to wash over and we just move on. It was nothing to me.

Instead she denied taking the money completely. This was a problem for me. I don't care about a couple thousand baht which I told her repeatedly. She worked a 10k a month guesthouse reception job at the time and I make far more than that. She also insisted on paying for more than her fair share of meals and things of that sort when we went out. I just wanted the truth and didn't care about the money at all. I don't think you can have a relationship without trust. And for her to just completely lie to my face was really hard for me to understand. Lie #1

Anyways, she got mad, stormed out. We didn't talk for a few days and I assumed that the relationship was over. She texted me a few days later to which I replied but I also made it obvious that I was very unsure if there was any future for us and did not want to see her for the time being. A few days after this she sent me the "I am pregnant" sms. I have never had children before. I certainly did not plan on having children with this woman right now as mentioned. However, I was irresponsible for a two week period as mentioned before also. Still, this all came as a huge shock to me and I was literally out of my mind for several days. I want to be clear that I never raised my voice with her or got angry with her at any point during what is to come. I am a very calm person by nature.

I should mention that two weeks previous to the I am pregnant sms she had gone and seen a doctor for some pain she was having and had told me that she had a pregnancy test which came back negative. The doctor in fact told her that she was pregnant. Lie #2.

After much thought and consultation with friends and family back home I decided that getting an abortion was the only thing that made sense. I know this is a touchy subject here so I will try to be brief regarding what happened.

I told her that this was the decision that I thought was best but would absolutely respect her decision as well. Long story short, she agreed to my decision and got it done. I paid for it and offered as much support as I could including being there when it happened. She said that she did not want me there. This was one of the most difficult decisions of my life and I was relieved but also extremely depressed about it. About a week later she told me that she backed out at the last second and did not go through with it. I would have rather she just stabbed me right in the back. After having psychologically moved on I was now informed a week later that my fetus/child was in fact still there and I was a mess once again. Lie #3.

After some discussion we both agreed a few days later that she would do it again for real this time. Again I paid and offered any and all support that I could possibly give. I demanded to be there this time but was again rebuked. Same thing happened. A week later she told me that she did not in fact get it done. More untold stress. Lie #4

She told me that she was keeping it this time as she was not raised to do such a thing (have an abortion). I said I accept your decision and will be there for you and the child as I have said since the very beginning. The untold stress and money (the least of my worries but I will never see that back) were really hard for me to take though. I needed out of town to think and spent a week in Phuket with friends. She started saying some pretty crazy things at this point that I should not come back. She will raise the child with her family. They thank me (for being a sperm donor?) and I should just move on. After all the nonsense I was determined to try and make this work somehow though. I was raised in a broken home and I always told myself that I would never do that to my child. I flew back to CM and have been trying to work it out ever since.

Since I have been back (not even a week) money of mine is already going missing. I feel like this is a person that is totally untrustworthy on every level. I don't know whether I can believe anything she says since all she does is lie. I have never seen an ultrasound so that I can get an exact number of weeks that she has been pregnant. In fact she would not allow me to go take her to get this done. I do not know whether she got pregnant on purpose or not (failing to take birth control pills). She seems overjoyed to have a baby like it will give her life a real meaning or something. Or maybe to try and trap me. She, like all other Thai girls I have known has accused me of cheating on her from the start and predicting that I will run off with someone else.I have in fact never cheated on her or any other girl for that matter.

The only thing that I do know for a fact is that she is pregnant. It is physically obvious now and she tested positive on a home test before I left for Phuket. I administered it myself. I cannot be 100% certain that the child is mine of course.

I really don't know what to do. I will say this, if there was no baby involved I would be gone in a heartbeat. I cannot trust her on any level. I feel like such a fool for ever getting myself mixed up in a situation like this. I feel that I have gone above and beyond what most people would put up with tenfold. I am distraught and without direction. Thank you for any advice even if you want to tell me that I am an idiot.

Edited August 16, 2013 by orbital777

[stoneyboy]

Congratulations being a dad is the best feeling in the world.

Put it all behind you,man up and take control of the situation you have helped to create,help financially and look forward to a new life with a family.

[stoneyboy]

And once the baby comes along get a DNA test to prove you are the biological father.

[jpinx]

Yikes - is it a full moon or something -- so many stories with the same underlying theme....

For the OP - take her by the hand to the doctor and get a pregnancy test done. If negative . show her the door - if positive get the DNA test done. If negative - show her the door, if positive, pay thai levels of maintenance (thai men usually don't pay a satang).

Next time -- use a condom or feed her the pills yourself !!!

Edited to add--- whatever the outcome -- show her the door.

Edited August 16, 2013 by jpinx

[EyesWideOpen]

Am never sure if these are troll posts or not..... She knows who the father is, you do not. A bit odd she was hammering you to not use a condom. Perhaps she was already pregnant and wanted to line up a sponsor....Tell her you wish to have a DNA test done when the baby is born. If the baby is from Somchai the taxi driver or Hans the handsome Swedish guy, tell her to have a nice life. If it is your baby, you now have three options, depending upon what kind of girl she is. You can give her a lump of money or make payments to her to support the baby. Or you can live with her and raise the baby, which can be a bit rough if that is the last thing in the world you were planning to do in Thailand. Or if she is crazy and steals money from you, tell her you had no plans to be an instant daddy, you offered her the option of an abortion, and now you are going to hit the road.......

Edited August 16, 2013 by EyesWideOpen

[Paangjang]

Am never sure if these are troll posts or not..... She knows who the father is, you do not. A bit odd she was hammering you to not use a condom. Perhaps she was already pregnant and wanted to line up a sponsor....Tell her you wish to have a DNA test done when the baby is born. If the baby is from Somchai the taxi driver or Hans the handsome Swedish guy, tell her to have a nice life. If it is your baby, you now have three options, depending upon what kind of girl she is. You can give her a lump of money or make payments to her to support the baby. Or you can live with her and raise the baby, which can be a bit rough if that is the last thing in the world you were planning to do in Thailand. Or if she is crazy and steals money from you, tell her you had no plans to be an instant daddy, you offered her the option of an abortion, and now you are going to hit the road.......

I was thinking the exact same thing as this. "A bit odd she was hammering you to not use a condom. Perhaps she was already pregnant and wanted to line up a sponsor...."

DNA test then show her the door with maintenance/or not depending on result.

[Deserted]

Sounds like a difficult situation. Unless you can resolve the issues with the relationship, the stress of a child entering it will only make them worse. You need to bear in mind that her hormones are probably up the spout right now and that she probably doesn't know what to do herself.

Perhaps that best thing is to be around but not together. If you live in Chiang Mai, as you say, that should be possible and may even work better. From what you've said, it looks like the relationship won't work, and things will only get tougher between you when you are both tired and stressed from parenthood. Parenthood requires flexibility and trust on both sides so you've got your work cut out.

Regarding the money thing. Can't you just not carry so much about or get a lockable money box or something?

[benalibina]

Seems that you want to do the right thing eventhough you know that she is not the woman who you want her to be. Till now you have done your utmost to give the relationship a chance. With a thief !! Trust is important in a relationship for you but you start as you means to go on. So does she. A future child complicates everything. My advice would be, if you really want it to work, do not get involved with FIL and try to keep her away from them. You will see quickly about her real intentions. You need to give for that as well something in return. Love(forgive) and some sort of security to her. If you do not want a relationship anymore with her and are in doubt about what to do with your child, give her a small monthly allowance, let her stay with her family and insist on a DNA test upon birth. You have than still a number of months to think and decide how to deal with the different outcomes. Remember though that if the child is yours, your perception about life and yourself will change forever.

Good luck.

[metisdead]

A non helpful inflammatory post has been removed as well as a reply.

[eezergood]

Agreed with the basic theme here, make sure the baby is yours!

Edited August 17, 2013 by eezergood

[jpeg]

Sounds like a difficult situation. Unless you can resolve the issues with the relationship, the stress of a child entering it will only make them worse. You need to bear in mind that her hormones are probably up the spout right now and that she probably doesn't know what to do herself.

Perhaps that best thing is to be around but not together. If you live in Chiang Mai, as you say, that should be possible and may even work better. From what you've said, it looks like the relationship won't work, and things will only get tougher between you when you are both tired and stressed from parenthood. Parenthood requires flexibility and trust on both sides so you've got your work cut out.

Regarding the money thing. Can't you just not carry so much about or get a lockable money box or something?

It's not a 'relationship' it's a contract, only the OP didn't do due diligence/read the small print.

[Deserted]

er...I think I have already, particularly the part where the OP describes the situation as a relationship himself. Did you read that?

Perhaps you would like to add something constructive as the OP has requested?

[Spoonman]

Congrats !!