Help! GF refuses to leave!

[sonic_11uk]

Background info:

• We were together for 6 months before I moved city for work for a new company
• I was in a bad spot, really unhappy with my old job and during those dark days, she stuck with me, helped and encouraged me
• When I got a new opportunity in a different city, I asked her to come with me and she followed
• She was working as a junior office clerk with little chance of any progression so it wasn't a tough decision with her, but she left friends there
• With a new job managing a department, I have had to put in a lot of work which paid off with a big promotion last year
• My gf turned down jobs in this new city and waited for over half a year to find work in a division of my company to keep an eye of me
• She's still in a junior position and is desperate for promotion herself but cannot move up
• Her previous bf cheated on her numerous times before they eventually split up
• We have been in this new city for nearly 3 years now

Situation:

• It was only when we moved in together that I got to see her other, jealous side
• She is jealous to the point of lunacy, with no improvement over the past 3 years
• I have some female staff whom she suspects I am having affairs with at different times - her only previous bf may have caused some issues
• She has accused me of sleeping with 4 different staff, some married with children with no basis other than the fact that they report to me
• When I come home late from work, she can go crazy, attacking me, ripping my clothes, punching me, smashing my car and even hurting herself etc
• I have never hit her, only protect myself and restrain her when things got too dangerous
• Embarrassingly, my staff are now aware of this situation as my gf has called my office screaming at me down the line (I work in an open plan office)
• There have been a number of times when my gf has been waiting outside my office, trying to spy what's going on inside
• My staff noticed and invited her into the office to sit down and to go out for dinner to get to know them but she ignored them
• She's told me that she wants to kill some of them!
• I have swapped secretarial duties within my staff to try to alleviate the situation, but the new one is in my gf's cross hairs now
• In the past, she accused me of being gay when she heard that I had a gay admirer!
• Of course I have repeatedly tried to communicate my misery at this situation and how there cannot be any long term happiness unless this changes
• I asked her how my staff could work so hard for me if I was sleeping with each of them and how I could be promoted if I was dishonest to which she replied that I was smart to get away with this and all my staff were happy to do this for me
• Her solution is for us to pack up and move to new jobs in another location

Dilemma:

• I'm living a pretty miserable life at the moment because of this
• I feel too embarrassed to talk to anyone, I know all my friends/family would tell me to escape this relationship which now feels the right thing to do
• Discussions don't work and I have to wait for her intense tantrums to run their long course before things can get back to being near normal
• Easy solution is to kick her out and I have asked her to leave on many occasions when she got physical
• She refuses saying that the situation is my fault and that she has nowhere to go - that I was the one who asked her to come with me which is true
• She also stated that she would never allow me to be happy with any other woman and would dedicate her life to making me unhappy if I kicked her out
• One time, I called the tourist police for assistance and they said that it was none of their business
• I really do care for her and want her to be happy but this relationship looks to be a dead end for both of us - I won't marry and have kids with anyone this unstable. My own parents split up when I was young and it was tough as a young kid watching them fight all the time until they split; I wouldn't do that to my own kids.

I guess I'm trying to get this off my chest by sharing the situation with others for the first time.

Has anyone been in similar situations? What would be the right course of action?

Sorry for the super long post, I wish everyone a wonderful Sunday!.

[Sheryl]

This type of irrational jealousy is not going to improve or respond to anything you try. You are going to have to end the relationship and get her out.

As you indicate she made some sacrifices to come there, you may wish to make some sort of financial settlement to help her re-establish herself back home or wherever -- up to you. (Do not, however, expect that this will necessarily curb her theatrics).

As to the logistics of getting her out, you could:

- change the locks when she's out and simply not let her back in (arranging to leave all her things with someone else for her to pick them up). She will make a large scene at your doorstep and you may have to call the police. Do not call the tourist police, call the regular police and state that an ex-gf is trying to break in/causing a disturbance.

- move out yourself and do not let her know to where (make the move while she's not home), leaving her to live out the month in the old place and then relocate.

In both scenarios you will also have to instruct staff at work not to accept her calls or any visit from her. Sounds like they are already aware of the situation so will understand why.

[morrobay]

You are going to have to pay her. Probably something like 50 000 baht. And get it legaized when you do.

[cardholder]

Change your accommodation, change your sim.

Don't expect a successful negotiated solution. I suspect that the irrational behaviour and loss of face will prevent that option.

[farang000999]

If she is this crazy the sex must be amazing.

[alfieconn]

Pack up and move to a different part of Thailand, a bit drastic but what ever way you do it your going to get grief and problems even if it is only in the short term !

Perhaps you could move away from the city you are in for say 6 weeks, let her move on and then move back.

[MrWorldwide]

An old biker told me years ago that he believes you haven't really ridden a bike until you've fallen off one - I laughed at the time but the longer I spend on this planet the more I can see that he wasnt just talking about motorcycles. Whatever cynical responses your thread might elicit, I'm confident that quite a few of us have been in a similar situation - sooner or later, you have to show her that you are just as determined as she is. As pointed out earlier, the lesson in this is simple : dont get involved with co-workers. The fun part will come when you contemplate getting back on that bike.

[Soutpeel]

Seems like you certainly have psycho on your hands

on top of the other advice

do you have an older Thai male collegue or friend, you can bring round to your place also tell her in no uncertain terms you want her out of your life as well, sometimes this can work as well, and certainly help if you have to call the BiB and said person can also confirm any events to the BiB

You will of course be expected to make an financial settlement to get her started again

Once you have rid of her, best thing you can do is move, change your phone number etc

[GuestHouse]

Spend some time thinking about what part you, your own choices and your own mindset played in getting into this situation.

If you do not understand that, you'll not be able to sort the problem out and even if you did you'll make the same mistake again.

[NCC1701A]

I had a girlfriend like this in the States and she had a lot of money. She was so unstable the more I tried to get way from her the more crazy she would become. Would not take no for a answer.

Make it clear to her that you are finished. Don't send mixed messages. Get everything lined up and then get out.

[nottocus]

Move out and never have any correspondence with her again.

[pattayadingo]

I've been there. In the UK, not here.

My initial advice is to be very very careful with everything - especially if all you have said is true (and I am not doubting you). Careful because they can be very devious and extremely nasty.

I got phone calls constantly. Threats too. Odd things happening. The house attacked. Friends threatened. Females too.

I was even arrested on the morning of my birthday and locked in a cell for the day.

I resorted to buying 2 dictaphones and took one with me everywhere. I used that to record threats and threatening conversations. The 2nd dictaphone was wired to the telephone with an electronic device I purchased (reason being there were so many calls the answering machine could not cope with them all). I was able to record 90 minutes of calls at a time.

The other one I had with me also recorded verbal threats and abuse.

Both the above were very useful for when I was arrested. It showed trhe police that it was malicious. And I was able to secure my release from the cells and not be bothered by the police again.

Here in Thailand you may well need similar evidence if she is of the mind to have you arrested on trumped up charges.

I arrived home one morning to find a package on my doorstep. After concluding it did not appear dangerous, I opened it carefully. Inside was a pack of lightbulbs. Very odd. At least odd until I got another torrent of abuse down the phone with her saying she knew I was back home because she could see I'd opened the package !!

The point also being, they can be devious.

You need to take steps to make sure you have some evidence - preferably recorded or witnessed - if she decides to have you arrested, especially being a foreigner here in Thailand.

Do as Sheryl says.

Get that SIM changed - though doubtless she will get the new number if she can.

Leave the apartment if you can.

Take a holiday if you can.

Make sure the staff are aware of the situation.

And have some evidence against her threatening you and / or others.

Never speak to her at all.

good luck.

[lemoncake]

OP, a silly question and suggestion, but what if you were to cheat and make sure you get caught, would she break up or still stay? May be its the easiest way.

[ava15]

She would quite likely harm him

[sonic_11uk]

Perhaps part of the problem is that I have 'spoiled' her and given in on occasions when I probably shouldn't have, conditioning her to think she is right.

I have tried to leave before when things got heated; I packed the car and got ready to leave when she stood blocking the way refusing to let me go.

She is always checking my phone and work bag behind my back, and I've even caught her following my car so if I moved out to a new place, she would probably eventually find out where I leave to cause chaos.

Whilst she we work for the same company, we are in entirely different departments with no work interaction at all so in principle, she could just continue in her work even if we split up.

The saddest thing is that I suspect she will struggle to find her feet without me around. I have helped to pay the deposit on her small car, and little condo which is still being built and would struggle to make those payments whilst living on her own, supporting herself.

I had asked for us to try living separately for a few weeks so she could learn to appreciate me. This happened when I managed to escape after an argument and stayed away for a day after she had thrown a rock which smashed the back of the car as I was escaping. I told her I had shown this to the police and she got a bit hysterical and offered to stay with a friend for a week. There were a lot of hysterics and tears and she spent a night with a friend before moving back in.

Ideally, we could split but stay friends but this suggestion has caused very animated and aggressive reactions, usually with the statement that I would not be allowed to be happy without her and if that I found someone else that things would turn bad for her.

I just need to have a clear plan lined up to deal with all eventualities before I take action.

[harrry]

Buy a good bottle of whisky. Go to the policestaion and explain the situation to the OIC. Ask him for assistance to ensure your safety while you explain to her that she must leave and to ensure she does so and to impress on her the consequences if anyhing happens to you. Pay for the bodyguard fee for the meeting with her and a few days after she leaves.

Edited August 25, 2013 by harrry

[transam]

You will never fix the problem. Difficult situation which I cannot see how you can make an easy fix. If you don't want to move from your job, and if it were me, I would tell the lady I have another lady now. Yes, might bring on a lot of sh_t but....................

[samran]

Dude, she's a bunny boiler. Slip out in the dead of night and don't look back.

[HardenedSoul]

I sympathise with the OP but I'd advise him to ignore the time-honoured TV BS approach that advocates moving out in the dead of the night with your tail between your legs, changing your phone number, abandoning your regular haunts and essentially uprooting your life.

It's a waste of time and resources unless you're gonna leave your job too because she can easily follow you home after you finish work, right?


Thai men deal with this kinda shit from an early age and their way works.

Twice I found myself in situations like this myself here and, twice the Thai approach brought the situation to a satisfactory conclusion.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

You will never fix the problem. Difficult situation which I cannot see how you can make an easy fix. If you don't want to move from your job, and if it were me, I would tell the lady I have another lady now. Yes, might bring on a lot of sh_t but....................

Good idea Transam, OP should immediately start dating an even bigger bunny boiler than his ex, then let them fight it out, winner takes all!

[benalibina]

I sympathise with the OP but I'd advise him to ignore the time-honoured TV BS approach that advocates moving out in the dead of the night with your tail between your legs, changing your phone number, abandoning your regular haunts and essentially uprooting your life.

It's a waste of time and resources unless you're gonna leave your job too because she can easily follow you home after you finish work, right?

Thai men deal with this kinda shit from an early age and their way works.

Twice I found myself in situations like this myself here and, twice the Thai approach brought the situation to a satisfactory conclusion.

Explain the Thai, men, Way !

[ttthailand]

You stayed with her for years and asked her to follow you so perhaps you need to get her setup again. Sit with her and help her open a Thailovelink or other dating site account. Don't ever question her about the account and if she is still attractive and you are lucky she will find other man. If that don't work offer her 100,000 baht to end it now, no return ! Or maybe do both.

[Kudel]

You stayed with her for years and asked her to follow you so perhaps you need to get her setup again. Sit with her and help her open a Thailovelink or other dating site account. Don't ever question her about the account and if she is still attractive and you are lucky she will find other man. If that don't work offer her 100,000 baht to end it now, no return ! Or maybe do both.

Yes and in a few months another guy wil post on Thaivisa about a crazy girl he met on thailovelinks,happy i deleted my account there a while back the tricks some of the woman try on that site is beyond belief had some fun chatting with some woman on there but no place to find a potential partner for sure.

[transam]

.......................

[razorramone]

You stayed with her for years and asked her to follow you so perhaps you need to get her setup again. Sit with her and help her open a Thailovelink or other dating site account. Don't ever question her about the account and if she is still attractive and you are lucky she will find other man. If that don't work offer her 100,000 baht to end it now, no return ! Or maybe do both.

I don't see anything in his posts that mention her wanting money, it doesn't seem to be a factor at all. I find it really weird the suggestion of paying her money. Like her being with him for years means he is somehow indebted to her.

Not least as it rewards and reinforces her behaviour. And I'm assuming she is not a bar girl.

Not only wierd, its completely stupid considering she has a history of lying to him and is obviously not rational or trustworthy in any form.

Edited August 25, 2013 by razorramone

[Kudel]

You stayed with her for years and asked her to follow you so perhaps you need to get her setup again. Sit with her and help her open a Thailovelink or other dating site account. Don't ever question her about the account and if she is still attractive and you are lucky she will find other man. If that don't work offer her 100,000 baht to end it now, no return ! Or maybe do both.

I don't see anything in his posts that mention her wanting money, it doesn't seem to be a factor at all. I find it really weird the suggestion of paying her money. Like her being with him for years means he is somehow indebted to her.

Not least as it rewards and reinforces her behaviour. And I'm assuming she is not a bar girl.

Not only wierd, its completely stupid considering she has a history of lying to him and is obviously not rational or trustworthy in any form.

+1

[whybother]

There is no way you'll be able to break up with her and still work at the same company.

[JLCrab]

Effective? Hell yes! She can then go to the Police and file charges:

Thai Criminal Code Section 295: Whoever, causes injury to the other person in body or mind is said to commit bodily harm, and shall be punished with imprisonment not exceeding two years or fined not exceeding four thousand Baht, or both.

[HardenedSoul]

Effective? Hell yes! She can then go to the Police and file charges:

Thai Criminal Code Section 295: Whoever, causes injury to the other person in body or mind is said to commit bodily harm, and shall be punished with imprisonment not exceeding two years or fined not exceeding four thousand Baht, or both.

Yes, I'm absolutely convinced that if the OP recites that particular section of the Thai Criminal Code in future, his crazy GF will cease and desist.

[amykat]

I think Hardened Soul is suggesting something illegal, like beating the crap out of her! Which might work, and in general, beating someone here, only costs 500 baht, as far as I know, but maybe you should check before, and make sure you don't accidentally kill her! But I wouldn't try this myself, or suggest that ...seems too risky!

If some of her paranoia might be coming from the thought of loss of money ...re her condo, car, or whatever you said, maybe you can find a way to negotiate a monthly payment, that is dependent on her NOT contacting you or causing any problems? But negotiate this through someone else, a third party ...if you have someone you can trust and use in this way. Since I suppose you want to keep your job, doing a disappearing act seems impossible. But don't pay her all at once, or some huge amount up front, because you can't trust that situation. You could even offer some balloon payment towards the end of a LONG period, but she may not believe you ...I have found most Thais don't believe/trust payment systems so that could be a problem too.

Is it possible, that you can talk to someone who controls her job, and also (even maybe PAY them) to include job loss as one of the consequences of contacting you/bothering anyone/making problems as well? And maybe you can also pay MORE, per month, if she leaves her job, moves out of your area, goes back home, etc. Enough to motivate her to leave.