Golf Jokes

[theslicegirls]

Dear Abby

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my

golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

signed,

perplexed

[Jai Dee]

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner:' Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?

Verne: 'Yes, sir, that's correct.'

Coroner: ' Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her @rse.'

Verne: 'Was it a Titleist 3?'

Coroner: 'Yes, it was.'

Verne: 'That was my provisional.'

[ThaiPauly]

A beautiful woman was at a party when she noticed an attractive man standing alone at the end of the room.

She appraoched the man and intoduced herself to him.

"Hello, my name is Carmen"

"That's a beautiful name" he answered "Is it a family name"

"No" replied the woman "I gave it to myself, it reflects my favoirite tastes in life Cars and Men"

"So whats your name then" she asked the man"

After a short pause he replied

"B J. Titsengolf"

[ThaiPauly]

A man was playing golf alone at one of America's finest clubs

His first shot was not a good one and he landed on the edge of the rough.

Just as he was about to take his second shot he heard a small voice emminating from the long grass

"Ribbit......5 Iron"

He looked around and saw a small frog

"Did you just say that?" he asked the frog

To which the frog replied

"Ribbit 5 Iron"

So the golfer took the 5 Iron from his bag and smashed the ball to within a few feet of the green.

He took a pitching wedge from his bag and then heard the small voice agian saying

Ribbit...Sand Wedge"

The golfer was astonished, "I don't need a sand wedge for this shot surely"

Ribbit Sand Wedge"

The golfer did as he was told and the ball lofted up and straight into the hole.

"That's amazing" said the golfer, will you accompany me round the course?"

Ribbit....Yes

So the golfer and the frog went round the course and the golfer listening to the frog's instructions shot the best round of golf he had ever played.

After the game the golfer said to the frog "Wow you are amazing , I am off to Las Vegas tomorrow could you come and help me make some money in the big casinos?

Ribbit..Yes said the frog.

So off they went to La Vegas and at the first table the frog whispered to the golfer.....Ribbit 10 black

"All of it?" asked the golfer

Ribbit ..."Yes" replied the frog

The wheel spun and up came 10 black"

Ribbit..... "23 Red" said the frog. "All of it?" the golfer asked......Ribbit ..".Yes" replied the frog.

Then the wheel was spun and the number came up. This went on all night until the golfer had won in excess of 5 m dollars.

Back at the hotel room the golfer was so overjoyed at his luck he turned to the frog and said:

"You have been so good to me , helped me shoot my highest ever golf score and made me into a muti-millionaire, there must be something I can do for you"?

Ribbit......"Kiss Me"

So the golfer said "Why not you certainly deserve some kinda reward"

So the golfer kissed the frog and immediatley the frog turned into a very beautiful, but young 14 year old girl.

"And that your Hounour is the God's honest truth why that young girl was in my hotel room"

[mgjackson69]

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

With a bad golfer, you hear, *whack*...... "PHUCK!"

[eastbaybob]

Not a joke but a true story:

While living in San Francisco I went out to play Lincoln Park with my girlfriend. We got paired up with this Irish guy (lots of them in SF). On the first hole, and uphill par four, the Irish guy and I hit our tee shots then move up to the ladies tee's for my girlfriends. She's new to golf, and I am teaching her, so there are two strikes right there. She hits her tee shot rather poorly and it dribbles off the front of the tee box about six yards forward. I toss her a ball and tell her to hit another one, this time its much better, about 150 yards along the tree line up the right side. As we're leaving the tee box I say to the Irish guy "In America we call that a Mulligan, what do you call it in Ireland?" "In Ireland" the Irish guys says "we call it fookin' cheating."

[Spacer]

Lincoln Park is a fun course with great views of SF bay (If it is not too foggy)

[Sigi]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[svenivan]

BUMP

(are we running out of good golf jokes?)

[Jai Dee]

GOLF PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta <deleted> hel_l are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit'

[Jai Dee]

Golf one-liners

A Phil Tuffnell – Took too much grass but still made it to the green

A Sally Gunnell/Cathy Freeman – ugly but a good runner

A Paula Radcliffe – not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner

A Cathy Freemans sister….... still ugly but doesn’t run very fast

A Paris Hilton – an expensive hole

A Dennis Wise – a nasty 5 footer

A Diego Maradonna – a very nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie – an impossible read

A Rio Ferdinand – Lipped out

A Rock Hudson – thought it was straight, but it wasn’t

A Cuban – needs one more revolution

An Elton John – a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler – two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat – ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett – little bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Kate Moss – bit thin

A Gerry Adams – playing a Provisional

A Glen Miller – kept low and didn’t make it over the water

An Arthur Scargill – a great strike but a poor result

A Russell Grant – a fat iron

A Peter Mandelson – an unbelievable iron

A Rodney King – over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson – got away with it

A Princess Grace – should have taken a driver

A Princess Di – shouldn’t have taken a driver

A Robin Cook – just died on the hill

A Michael Jackson – gradually fading

A Douglas Bader – looked good in the air, but didn’t have the legs

An Arsene Wenger – everyone saw where it went but you

A Ken Livingstone – quite far left

A Jean-Marie LePen – a long way right

A Ladyboy – looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

A Mrs Patel – ugly, but a good worker

A condom – safe but didn’t feel real good

A circus tent – a BIG top

An Anna Kournikova – looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones – nasty kick when you’re not expecting it

A sister in law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn’t be

Star trek golf - Bravely going where no man has gone before.

Army golf - Left Right Left Right.

The elephants arse – It’s high and it stinks.

Yamaha = goes putt putt putt

Pirate – when 3 players get a par ( par , par par -, har har har)

‘Barbra Streisand’ – ugly but still working.

‘Teddy Kennedy’ – goes in the water, but jumps out.

‘John Kennedy Jr’., – didn’t make it over the water.

‘Saddam Hussein’ – from one bunker into another.

'Peter Brock' - Dead against a tree

Brazilian - When you shave the hole

[Jai Dee]

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did..." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

[Jai Dee]

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

[svenivan]

At dawn the telephone rings,

'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto,the caretaker at your country house.

''Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?''

Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead

''My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.''

dam_n! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?

''From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hel_l fed him rotten meat?''

Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.

''Dead horse? What dead horse?''

The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.

''My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.

''Are you insane?? What water cart?''

The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.

''Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??''

The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.

''What the hel_l?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!''

Yes, Senor Rod.

''But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?''

For the funeral, Senor Rod.

''WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!''

Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thoughtshe was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade R580 XD golf club.

'SILENCE

. . .. .. . .. . ..

LONG SILENCE

. . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

[thailandgolf]

Dear Abby,

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

signed,

perplexed

[Jai Dee]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband.

"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[chuckd]

Stolen from the Pattaya Mail site. I have had some caddies in Scotland with this sort of thought process.

Holy Indifference

1973 British Open champion Tom Weiskopf once played a practice round with Jack Nicklaus and John O’Leary before the 1975 Open at Carnoustie, Scotland.

When they got to the par-3 eighth late in the afternoon, only a couple of spectators remained. The wind was blowing hard from the left, and Weiskopf noticed two elderly gentleman sitting on the left side of the green.

He tried to aim the ball right at them and turn it into the wind. He did just that, the ball landing right near the hole. But there was no response from the men.

He looked in the bunker. He walked over the green. Searched in the trees. Finally, Nicklaus told him, “Can you believe it? Your ball’s in the hole.”

As he left the green, Weiskopf turned to the two men and said, “Excuse me, but did you see my shot?”

“Yes, laddie, we saw your shot,” they replied.

“It was a hole-in-one. You didn’t even clap,” he told them.

“Aye, laddie, but it’s only practice, isn’t it?”

[Toosetinmyways]

Not so much a joke as a trueism

Having problems with my swing I went to see my local professional. After hitting a couple of balls the old pro said, "You know Bill, if you could slow your swing down to a blur I might be able to see what you are doing wrong"

[ThaiPauly]

Fred and Andy are playing a round of golf when they notice a guy in front of them playing on his own.

being two freindly kinda guys Andy says to the lone golfer "Would you like to team up with us?" "Sure " replies the golfer, "I could use the company"

So they continue the round as a threesome and the subject of general conversation while playing turns to work.

"So what do you do for a living" asks Andy of the lone golfer

"I'm a hit man" he replies

"A hit man? Surely you are joking?" says Fred

"No I'm not, here look at this"

With that he pulls out a magnificent riple with telescopic sights

"Wow thats great says Andy" "I can see my house from here" he says, can I use your telescopic sight to see it closer?"

"Sure be my guest" says the Hitman.

So Andy aims the rifle at his house and looks through the sights... "Wow this is great, I can see everything so clearerly, its like I was standing a few feet away" he says. "Oh and there's my Wife in the bedroom bless her, she must have just got up as she's got no clothes on, so you buggers arn't gonna be using this" he laughs,,,,"Hold on a minute, there's my neighbour in the room as well...he's naked too, I don't beleive it what a bas*rd, he's sha%%ing my wife "!!!!

Andy then turns to the Hitman and says "How much do you charge for a hit mate"

"I charge a flat rate of a grand a hit and I never miss"

"2 Grand, right then" says Andy shoot them both"

"Ok" says the Hitman, "But I am extremely accurate where in the body would you like them shot?" He adds

"Well my Wife has got a big mouth, always has, so shoot her in the gob, and well my neighbour deserves to have his D@ck shot off for what he is doing with my Wife, I thought he was my best freind" says Andy.

"OK" says the Hitman, here we go.

He raises the rifle to his shoulder and aims at the window.

After 2 minutes he has not fired a shot.

Getting impatiant Andy says "Come on , why are you taking so long?"

"Hold on" says the Hitman..

"I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU A GRAND HERE"

[Bagwan]

Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly… but put me down for a 5."

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards……..

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!

[Jai Dee]

Reverend Francis Norton woke up one Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him.

As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out to a golf course about 40 miles away.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church.

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed: "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said: "No, I guess not."

Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked: "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied: "Who's he going to tell?"

[tigerfish]

Golfing Lingo... some (read most) not PC...

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker.

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result.

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect.

A Rodney King - over-clubbed.

An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it.

A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good.

A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be...

A Kathy Freeman - it's ugly but it's still running.

A Kate Moss - a bit thin.

Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball.

A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole.

A Diego Maradonna - very very nasty little five footer.

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't.

A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems ...

Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole.

not sure if ill get away with this one, but as a young lad i used to caddie for a 5 handicapper irish fella. if he was having a particulary bad day with the putter(i.e the ball just shaving the hole and not dropping) and losing alot of money. in a load broad irish accent he would proclaim, "that hed had more lips than a bus full of n.....s"

fully understand if deleted.

[Danlo]

Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly… but put me down for a 5."

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards……..

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!

Some good ones Bagwan.

[SamTHorn]

I love golf jokes. There are many here that I haven't heard of and I thought I heard them all. Thanks for sharing

~ Sam

[chuckd]

Golf Quotations by famous people

Forgive me if this is a repeat.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.

George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.

Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.

Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them

Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.

Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.

Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best

Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.

H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.

Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work..

Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

Lee Trevino

If you're caught out on the golf course during a thunderstorm, just walk in carrying a 1 iron pointed toward the sky. Even God can't hit a 1 iron.

Lee Trevino

I personally prefer the tarantula saying.

[chuckd]

Here are a couple of new ones (to me) that I received today.

______________________________________________________________

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching Channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"

______________________________________________________________

THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.

SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"

SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."

THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION. THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND......

"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.

"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"

(sorry for the caps. I didn't want to re-type it.)

[chuckd]

When my doctor asked me what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

[Jai Dee]

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

[chuckd]

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ....neither of whom can putt very well.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10...A below par performance is considered darn good.

#9....You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8....It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7....Foursomes are encouraged.

#6....You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5....Three times a day is possible.

#4....Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3....If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#2....You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#1....When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

[chuckd]

I'm cleaning out my inbox so I thought some jokes might entertain a few folks. Enjoy...or not.

The first one is a YouTube:

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A golf story

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.

I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

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Even some classy poetry for the intellectual among us.

GOLF POEM

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,

And Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,

If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

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And if you have read this far, here are some little known golf facts (caveat...unverified).

1. 125,000 golf balls a year are hit into the water at the famous 17th hole of the Stadium Course at Sawgrass .

2. The longest drive ever is 515 yards. The longest putt ever is a monstrous 375 feet

3. Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is actually right handed. He learned to play golf by mirroring his father’s golf swing, and he has used left handed golf clubs ever since.

4. The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million.

5. Tiger Woods snagged his first ace at the tender age of eight years old.

6. Balls travel significantly further on hot days. A golfer swinging a club at around 100 mph will carry the driver up to eight yards longer for each increase in air temperature of 25°F.

7. The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International Golf Club in Massachusetts which measures a fearsome 8325 yards

8. The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in Morococha, Peru, which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its lowest point.

9. The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan. It measures an incredible 909 yards.

10. The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey.

11. The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par 6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts, with an area in excess of 28,000 square feet.

12. The driver swing speed of an average lady golfer is 62mph; 96mph for an average LPGA professional; 84mph for an average male golfer; 108mph for an average PGA Tour player; 130mph for Tiger Woods; 148-152mph for a national long drive champion.

13. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

14. The first golf balls were made of thin leather stuffed with feathers. Tightly-packed feathers made balls that flew the farthest. Feather balls were used until 1848.

15. The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one was Coby Orr, who was five years old at the time. It happened in Littleton, Colorado, in 1975.

16. 22.8% of golfers are women.

17. Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens wouldn't waste time when preparing for an English invasion

18. The term birdie comes from an American named Ab Smith. While playing 1899, he played what he described as a "bird of a shot", which became "birdie" over time.

19. The word golf does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden". This is an internet myth. It is thought the word golf comes from the Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve", meaning "club". Historians believe this was passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to "golve," "gowl" or "gouf". By the sixteenth century, this had evolved into the word we know today.

20. Don't feel bad about your high handicap --- 80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of less than 18.