One day I had to be the bearer

of bad news when I told

a wife that her

husband had died of a massive

myocardial infarct. Not

more than five minutes

later, I heard her reporting

to the rest of the family

that he had died of a

"massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba , Canada

I was performing a complete physical,

including the

visual acuity test. I

placed the patient twenty

feet from the chart and

began, "Cover your right

eye with your hand." He read

the 20/20 line perfectly.

Now your left."

Again, a flawless read Now both,"

I requested. There

was silence. He couldn't even read the

large E on the top line. I

turned and discovered that

he had done exactly what

I had asked; he was standing

there with both his

eyes covered. I was laughing

too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester , MA

During a patient's two week

follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble

with one of his

medications. Which one?"

I asked. The patch. The nurse

told me to put on a

new one every six hours and

now I'm running out of

places to put it!" I had

him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body! Now the

instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with

a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long have

you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete

confusion she answered ...

Why, not for about twenty years

-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,

So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

It's very good, except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"

the patient re plied. I then asked to see the

jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his

residency in OB was quite

embarrassed performing

female pelvic exams. To cover

his embarrassment he had

unconsciously formed

a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom

he was performing this

exam suddenly burst

out laughing and further

embarrassed him. He looked up

from his work and

sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor,

but the song you were

whistling was 'I wish I was

an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

These are too funny to be made up!!

The last one is a hoot.