Am I just a farang bank to her?

[eurozhongguo]

There is always the risk that any Thai girlfriend is in love with our bank accounts. If you have had several relationships with Thai girls, you will have met those that ask you for money on your first date, those that pay for nothing and don't offer to pay either, those that propose to you on the Internet within 10 minutes of chatting to each other, those that tell you clearly that they will only marry you if you give their paenst a large dowry and buy them a nice house etc.

I have come across all those situations in my dealings with Thai girls, but I have also come across Thai girls that take turns to pay and end up paying more than me and never ask for a single Baht. I have also come across Thai girls who have little interest in marriage. One to be parrticularly careful with are those wo have children who will use you to pay for their education, very poor girls who need you to finance their families and those with extravangant ambitions who think you are rich enough to buy huge palaces for them.

In fact, the time when that girl asked you for 5 million Baht should have been your get-out clause. That should have set the alarm bells off and you could have easily walked put of her life completely. It might have not been easy for your heart, but remember that Thai girls are easier than average to date and that there's an excellent supply of them.

You could also suggest that you get married in your country and that her father foot the entire bill as is probbaly deemed by your country's culture. If she refsues to do that, you refuse to pay the dowry, Thai style. It is already too late for you though. Once bitten, twice shy!!!! Now, you must leave her. Yes, you absolutely MUST, no ifs or buts!!!!

[chiang mai]

I do like balance in these things, so since the majority here are in favor of suggesting that the female in question is only after your money, let me paint an alternate picture, from personal experience:

I met my wife ten years ago, we lived together for a year before holding a forgiveness ceremony at the home of her parents, this was to apologize for living together outside of marriage - we were not engaged either, there was no financial aspect to this small ceremony other than to make a donation to the monks.

By the second year I'd decided the relationship was going to be long term and since I was flushed at the time I offered to build her parents a house, our self managed 80 sq metre build project cost about 500,000. Why did I do that? Because I wanted to give something back and if the relationship had finished the following week I would still have been OK with it all. And I also funded a shop they built in their garden, I spent 10,000 baht to stock the shop after it was built and they took it from there.

Today the family's quality of life is substantially improved over what it was when I first met them and I get a lot of satisfaction from that - they were dirt poor when we first met, seriously impoverished.

Around year four we decided to get married and this involved a ceremony at the family home and sin-sod - sin-sod in this case was a cheque for a million baht with the words INVALID written across it, it served it's purpose of show and face at the ceremony.

My financial commitment to the family (who are extremely poor) involve me paying their electric bill every month and this is typically under 1,000 baht, I voluntarily give them a further 4,000 baht and this is usually returned to us in some shape or form throughout the year, I don't keep track.

My wife works at an upmarket hotel and earns decent money, I pay for all living expenses and she self funds whatever her needs might be - infrequent exceptional items get discussed fully, sometimes they get funded, sometimes they don't. Family crisis occurs about twice a year and their remedy gets discussed and agreed also.

Last year my wife paid for our trip to Bali, this year I plan to buy her a new car, I trust my wife more than anyone else on the planet and the commitment has been tested (by circumstance) more ways than I care to think and she has always passed with flying colours.

So there we have it, I wonder how many of the posters thus far who advocate running a mile have actually experienced a relationship in Thailand that was financially negative or how much of popular opinion is borrowed from the next bar stool or urban myth. And of those that have endured failed relationships that caused financial loss, does that person admit to knowing the real reasons for it? It's easy to say that I lost all my money to a Thai woman because that's the way they are, money grabbing etc. It's harder to say the relationship failed because, I was promiscuous, lacked commitment to making the relationship work, was only present for ten per cent of the time with the remaining ninety per cent being spent at work and/or overseas with my wife, and so on and so on, the reasons for this are legion.

Yeah that's all very well, CM but the OP's clearly not in a similar sitch.

His woman's asking for 5 million baht and her family ain't on the breadline.

You're comparing apples and pears

Negotiate it down to a level that he's happy with else walk, who in their right mind wouldn't ask for 5 mill. as an opening bid.

Someone who actually gives a shit about the person they're asking for it from

Put yourself in the woman's position for a moment, you have two motivators, one to support your parents financially and the second to get married and make a life of your own, don't tell me that the two (very powerful) objectives can't be met simultaneously. Also, there is a cultural precedent here for sin-sod, it's not as though this woman (or others) simply dreamed it up.

[godden]

ATM another thai moment 55555555 sucker, in your dreams55555

[RtotheC]

If you don't think she's after your money, what i would say to you is that i'm a Nigerian Prince and if you send me 20,000 baht to unlock my frozen bank account i'll pay you back double.

[sdshaman]

If she is a decent bird from a decent family then thats not bad , dowry is only for show and normally goes back to the daughter/son in law, the families are normally quite close so get used to losing your private time , chokeddeeee oh can you ask her for my gold chain back? thanks

I think she is after spending 2 weeks with al of them. And she told me her mom gave her that gold chain???

[thaijoe]

your just an atm. get out now. let me see how far it would take a thai man to do this shit. iam tired of the scams here. land of scams period

get out while you can. believe me.

[sfbandung]

I'm just not going for this.

[thaijoe]

get a PI to show you its just a scam, and just wants ur money. that is the thai culture your learning.. scam. and money. not love.. who cares what the people ard there think. ur not doing them.. it is 2014 wake up.. get one that you dont have to pay a dowery, better yet, ask how much a thai guy pays.. thats the culture. they want you to learn it, then go buy it.. falang or not. hell with them

[sdshaman]

Most Thai girls are driven by a desire to help and support their parents, this help includes marrying for money. But just because they do marry for money doesn't mean to say the relationship they enter into isn't a strong and loving one that will endure. The cynics will be along shortly to tell us that the issues of love and money shouldn't be mixed, regrettably it is so here in Thailand and it's part of the culture in many families so you may as well accept that.

So really all that leaves is the question of your feelings and how much, as you are finding out the amount is negotiable and you can't really fault them for starting with a high number, what you finish with is another story however. The option of course is to say it's all nonsense, in which case your relationship is likely over and you will have to walk away, the choice is yours. From experience the engagement party is not common and the exchange of rings sounds like a cross between old Thai and modern farang cultures, bless them! It sounds to me like you had an engagement party and not a wedding, you would almost certainly know if it was the latter.

Yes she is driven by the desire to support her parents. At our second talk about dowry it was just me and her mom. She said that she didn't think I was stable enough to take care of her and I walked away... maybe should have kept going. The next day her dad called and wanted to have breakfast like we did every day before. He said they liked me and the dowry was up to me. I see her mom always on facebk with over 3000 friends so I know she is concerned about gossip.

I think the engagement was what it was because I am a good guy and only here for a short time and they do not want to loose me (or my ATM) . I did feel pressured into it, but that is the past now. She wanted me to have a ring since I will soon leave for 7-8 month to travel and work. She always tells me I better not take it off. I think that they are sincere, but this practice is still shady! It was announced as an engagement, with no monk. The string tying thing at her grandparents is what threw me for a loop. I thought that was for marry??

[skorchio]

U mentioned a 6-7 year old child. Whose child is this? Are you sure?

[sdshaman]

I'm just not going for this.

Why?

[bra]

To quote from many posters "tell her you have no money and see what happens" Why this is some sort of a test for Thai women? ANY woman in ANY country in the world would dump you. Why would they marry someone who cant support them? Yes marriage is about love but also much more - for a woman its security for her and her children when she has them.

As for the bride's parents paying for the wedding in Western countries, this no longer applies for most weddings. Quite often both sets of parents share the costs. When my son married in Australia his bride paid for the wedding and I paid for the drinks. It depends on the financial circumstances of the bride's parents - some simply cant afford it, especially if they have several daughters.

[SanSaiExPat]

You are blessed but are the exception to the rule.

I do like balance in these things, so since the majority here are in favor of suggesting that the female in question is only after your money, let me paint an alternate picture, from personal experience:

I met my wife ten years ago, we lived together for a year before holding a forgiveness ceremony at the home of her parents, this was to apologize for living together outside of marriage - we were not engaged either, there was no financial aspect to this small ceremony other than to make a donation to the monks.

By the second year I'd decided the relationship was going to be long term and since I was flushed at the time I offered to build her parents a house, our self managed 80 sq metre build project cost about 500,000. Why did I do that? Because I wanted to give something back and if the relationship had finished the following week I would still have been OK with it all. And I also funded a shop they built in their garden, I spent 10,000 baht to stock the shop after it was built and they took it from there.

Today the family's quality of life is substantially improved over what it was when I first met them and I get a lot of satisfaction from that - they were dirt poor when we first met, seriously impoverished.

Around year four we decided to get married and this involved a ceremony at the family home and sin-sod - sin-sod in this case was a cheque for a million baht with the words INVALID written across it, it served it's purpose of show and face at the ceremony.

My financial commitment to the family (who are extremely poor) involve me paying their electric bill every month and this is typically under 1,000 baht, I voluntarily give them a further 4,000 baht and this is usually returned to us in some shape or form throughout the year, I don't keep track.

My wife works at an upmarket hotel and earns decent money, I pay for all living expenses and she self funds whatever her needs might be - infrequent exceptional items get discussed fully, sometimes they get funded, sometimes they don't. Family crisis occurs about twice a year and their remedy gets discussed and agreed also.

Last year my wife paid for our trip to Bali, this year I plan to buy her a new car, I trust my wife more than anyone else on the planet and the commitment has been tested (by circumstance) more ways than I care to think and she has always passed with flying colours.

So there we have it, I wonder how many of the posters thus far who advocate running a mile have actually experienced a relationship in Thailand that was financially negative or how much of popular opinion is borrowed from the next bar stool or urban myth. And of those that have endured failed relationships that caused financial loss, does that person admit to knowing the real reasons for it? It's easy to say that I lost all my money to a Thai woman because that's the way they are, money grabbing etc. It's harder to say the relationship failed because, I was promiscuous, lacked commitment to making the relationship work, was only present for ten per cent of the time with the remaining ninety per cent being spent at work and/or overseas with my wife, and so on and so on, the reasons for this are legion.

[chiang mai]

Most Thai girls are driven by a desire to help and support their parents, this help includes marrying for money. But just because they do marry for money doesn't mean to say the relationship they enter into isn't a strong and loving one that will endure. The cynics will be along shortly to tell us that the issues of love and money shouldn't be mixed, regrettably it is so here in Thailand and it's part of the culture in many families so you may as well accept that.

So really all that leaves is the question of your feelings and how much, as you are finding out the amount is negotiable and you can't really fault them for starting with a high number, what you finish with is another story however. The option of course is to say it's all nonsense, in which case your relationship is likely over and you will have to walk away, the choice is yours. From experience the engagement party is not common and the exchange of rings sounds like a cross between old Thai and modern farang cultures, bless them! It sounds to me like you had an engagement party and not a wedding, you would almost certainly know if it was the latter.

Yes she is driven by the desire to support her parents. At our second talk about dowry it was just me and her mom. She said that she didn't think I was stable enough to take care of her and I walked away... maybe should have kept going. The next day her dad called and wanted to have breakfast like we did every day before. He said they liked me and the dowry was up to me. I see her mom always on facebk with over 3000 friends so I know she is concerned about gossip.

I think the engagement was what it was because I am a good guy and only here for a short time and they do not want to loose me (or my ATM) . I did feel pressured into it, but that is the past now. She wanted me to have a ring since I will soon leave for 7-8 month to travel and work. She always tells me I better not take it off. I think that they are sincere, but this practice is still shady! It was announced as an engagement, with no monk. The string tying thing at her grandparents is what threw me for a loop. I thought that was for marry??

The tying of string is a blessing for good luck, that's all.

[asdecas]

I feel like I'm being gold dug but when we talk I feel she is sincere? Sent from my SCH-I535 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

You are being 'gold dug'.

Since when are there only a couple of people at the village wedding? This family with its business that seems to be so good would invite half the population of Thailand. There would be feasting, drinking of whiskey, gambling, dancing, singing, some drunken violence, a wedding night in the sack with your new 'wife'.

of money is at the heart of this. That is why there were only a couple of 'witnesses'. A very deniable 'wedding'.

OP, you cannot be serious. If you are, you are deep in the sh*t.

Have you shagged made love to her yet?

Out in the boonies you can have sex with a woman for <500 Baht for the night. 3,500 a week and 7 different women. Under 15,000 Baht for 31 different women per month. Makes this a very expensive shag woman.

So nice to hear the sensitive point of view.

[sdshaman]

If you consider it affordable, I'd say go for it.

Just because she and her family are trying to get as much money as possible from you, doesn't mean she won't make you a wonderful loving wife.

And just because she loves you to death doesn't mean she'd stay with you if you became totally broke.

The two issues are completely separate; don't let your back-home value system prevent you from enjoying the benefits of the completely different values here. Only complete idiots would let "love" get in the way of long-term financial security.

And realize that if you get a few good years out of the relationship you've gotten good value, ahead of the game compared to most.

Just make sure you are completely removing her from her family situation - other than reasonable visits home of course - so that you are in control and wear the pants in your own new family.

I agree with your post but she will not leave her family business. I travel for work so when I am working I stay in hotels most of the time. Hard to have a relationship that means anything in my work. I am ok with her staying with her family because I think it would be impossible to have her at my house while I am 75 miles away all week moving around different hotels chasing my work. . That is why I am in this situation, because that part of it works! I am going to talk with her father tomorow and tell him how scammy this whole thing appears and that they will never control my wallet. Right now I do not care if they chase me away because of this. They will be the ones loosing!

[aechzen]

hahahaha hahahaha yes you are the privat bank for them !! at my engadment we get a house , a car and land and money and gold from her family ! this is tratition here in thailand !

[wicketkeeper]

Lampoon. You said it.

[sdshaman]

I feel like I'm being gold dug but when we talk I feel she is sincere? Sent from my SCH-I535 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

You are being 'gold dug'.

Since when are there only a couple of people at the village wedding? This family with its business that seems to be so good would invite half the population of Thailand. There would be feasting, drinking of whiskey, gambling, dancing, singing, some drunken violence, a wedding night in the sack with your new 'wife'.

of money is at the heart of this. That is why there were only a couple of 'witnesses'. A very deniable 'wedding'.

OP, you cannot be serious. If you are, you are deep in the sh*t.

Have you shagged made love to her yet?

Out in the boonies you can have sex with a woman for <500 Baht for the night. 3,500 a week and 7 different women. Under 15,000 Baht for 31 different women per month. Makes this a very expensive shag woman.

So nice to hear the sensitive point of view.

It was just an engagement, an expensive one on my part but it was more for show for me too. Yes expensive shag but I am not interested in having it with all the women you have! And why do you keep scratching yourself there??? lol

[sfbandung]

 

I'm just not going for this.

Why?

 

Mate if you are genuine then I apologise but this is so typical of a story of a bloke being led along. You're going away now for how many months? Why not take her with you? I met my missus here then went back to work and a couple of month's later had a visa for her and she came to stay with me where she has been ever since. We've built a house here and got married and all the stuff (the string is every time we go, a big party and I have a hundred of them for the flight out) but she stays with me. I just don't get the idea of having a relationship where you stay living in separate countries for sometimes years. A proper couple live together.

[BlueSkyCowboy]

If you spent some of your internet time researching Thailand Culture BEFORE you decided to go on a social network site to meet your Bride, you may have found yourself in a different position ..... Look before you leap !! .... ... CHOKDEE ... Now over to the synpathisers .....

There was a song the man might keep in mind. Joe Crocker sang it "Cry me a River" yep he will rember me when he hears that song hahhaha Thai tradition and Farang money.

[RtotheC]

One of three possible scenarios for all these guys telling the OP he's being scammed:

1 - they were scammed themselves so they speak from experience, but so many people are that stupid?

2 - they heard that this is what Thai women do and they're just propagating rumour, now that is stupid.

3 - they have no idea and are just giving a popular answer to upset the OP, you can guess what that is!

Or it could be that most of us are intelligent enough to know that if you meet a girl on the internet from any country and within days of meeting there's already talks of marriage and money it's generally going to end bad; couple that with Thailand's reputation and it's an even worse idea.

[sdshaman]

hahahaha hahahaha yes you are the privat bank for them !! at my engadment we get a house , a car and land and money and gold from her family ! this is tratition here in thailand !

Thanks. This is something I was interested in hearing!

[Bpuumike]

I do like balance in these things, so since the majority here are in favor of suggesting that the female in question is only after your money, let me paint an alternate picture, from personal experience:

I met my wife ten years ago, we lived together for a year before holding a forgiveness ceremony at the home of her parents, this was to apologize for living together outside of marriage - we were not engaged either, there was no financial aspect to this small ceremony other than to make a donation to the monks.

By the second year I'd decided the relationship was going to be long term and since I was flushed at the time I offered to build her parents a house, our self managed 80 sq metre build project cost about 500,000. Why did I do that? Because I wanted to give something back and if the relationship had finished the following week I would still have been OK with it all. And I also funded a shop they built in their garden, I spent 10,000 baht to stock the shop after it was built and they took it from there.

Today the family's quality of life is substantially improved over what it was when I first met them and I get a lot of satisfaction from that - they were dirt poor when we first met, seriously impoverished.

Around year four we decided to get married and this involved a ceremony at the family home and sin-sod - sin-sod in this case was a cheque for a million baht with the words INVALID written across it, it served it's purpose of show and face at the ceremony.

My financial commitment to the family (who are extremely poor) involve me paying their electric bill every month and this is typically under 1,000 baht, I voluntarily give them a further 4,000 baht and this is usually returned to us in some shape or form throughout the year, I don't keep track.

My wife works at an upmarket hotel and earns decent money, I pay for all living expenses and she self funds whatever her needs might be - infrequent exceptional items get discussed fully, sometimes they get funded, sometimes they don't. Family crisis occurs about twice a year and their remedy gets discussed and agreed also.

Last year my wife paid for our trip to Bali, this year I plan to buy her a new car, I trust my wife more than anyone else on the planet and the commitment has been tested (by circumstance) more ways than I care to think and she has always passed with flying colours.

So there we have it, I wonder how many of the posters thus far who advocate running a mile have actually experienced a relationship in Thailand that was financially negative or how much of popular opinion is borrowed from the next bar stool or urban myth. And of those that have endured failed relationships that caused financial loss, does that person admit to knowing the real reasons for it? It's easy to say that I lost all my money to a Thai woman because that's the way they are, money grabbing etc. It's harder to say the relationship failed because, I was promiscuous, lacked commitment to making the relationship work, was only present for ten per cent of the time with the remaining ninety per cent being spent at work and/or overseas with my wife, and so on and so on, the reasons for this are legion.

Nice comment.

I am happily together with my Thai wife of 4 years.

You just never know but a sin sod dowry of 5 million is outrageous and a possible warning sign.

200-300 Thousand max, if anything even. A rule of thumb is no more than the parent's annual income.

YOU establish the rules from the start. If not you will lose respect and they will probably gouge as much from you as they can.

Edited January 4, 2014 by Bpuumike

[chiang mai]

One of three possible scenarios for all these guys telling the OP he's being scammed:

1 - they were scammed themselves so they speak from experience, but so many people are that stupid?

2 - they heard that this is what Thai women do and they're just propagating rumour, now that is stupid.

3 - they have no idea and are just giving a popular answer to upset the OP, you can guess what that is!

Or it could be that most of us are intelligent enough to know that if you meet a girl on the internet from any country and within days of meeting there's already talks of marriage and money it's generally going to end bad; couple that with Thailand's reputation and it's an even worse idea.

But that would be just assumption on your part, just because it doesn't fit the western model it must be a scam, right!

[Daniel Boon]

Thank you Chiang Mai ....

personally, I have several ex-wives in OZ that took the dowry at the end of the use-by date ... there is still a cost, its just the timing ...

[HardenedSoul]

Someone who actually gives a shit about the person they're asking for it from

Put yourself in the woman's position for a moment, you have two motivators, one to support your parents financially and the second to get married and make a life of your own, don't tell me that the two (very powerful) objectives can't be met simultaneously. Also, there is a cultural precedent here for sin-sod, it's not as though this woman (or others) simply dreamed it up.

Cultural, sure but get this; I positively guarantee that the woman with the financial imperatives you describe would even dream of asking a Thai man for 5 million baht and here's why - she'd be terrified of insulting him with such an inflated figure and, subsequently, losing his interest. She'd also be rightly concerned at the backhand he'd administer as punishment for her audacity.

She doesn't have such qualms with the hapless Western love-gimp because she doesn't give a shit about him

[mrowe1973]

You really need to read this book called Thai fever. It's written by a farang man and his thai wife. Trust me it's totally about the Thai culture. It's true their culture is totally based on money and love is money. It's gets really distorted when dealing with a bar girl. My advice to you would be to slow down. It's impossible for you to know anything about this girl!! What you'll also learn is that Thai women lie about everything to save face. Your in way over your head take a few deep breath stop the financial bleeding and get educated! Think with your brain not with your heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thai fever!

[BlueSkyCowboy]

I did not see anything about your and her age. I can tell u that I have extensive experience with girls in many countries, Thai's included. I am married to a Thai and she is a lady and of high quality. We have been together for more then 5 years. Many Thai girls are just wonderful, but all of us who have lived in Thailand have heard a few ROTFLMAO (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off) stories. 5 million for a dowry. Blow me down. She must be just beautiful, 18 and with a masters degree. We have some real pretty lady boys here in Pattaya, I suggest that you give it a go before u tie the knot

[sdshaman]

 

I'm just not going for this.

Why?

 

Mate if you are genuine then I apologise but this is so typical of a story of a bloke being led along. You're going away now for how many months? Why not take her with you? I met my missus here then went back to work and a couple of month's later had a visa for her and she came to stay with me where she has been ever since. We've built a house here and got married and all the stuff (the string is every time we go, a big party and I have a hundred of them for the flight out) but she stays with me. I just don't get the idea of having a relationship where you stay living in separate countries for sometimes years. A proper couple live together.

Thanks for your input! The reason for living apart is when I work I travel. Might be in 3 different hotels in any given week. Only home on the weekend and sometimes getting home saturday morning after sunup. So A relationship is difficult to be in. Lost my last wife to my work. She works with her family and lives with her family and is ok with when we work we talk on Skype every day like we did before we actually met. She agreed to come visit me if I have some time off but is OK with this kind of relationship. Even if she would come to stay in the hotel with me I work between 12 and 16 hours a day... So you can see the hardship on a relationship and why this one is appealing to me, and worth a few bucks. Although I do feel like I am being taken advantage of, that is why I post here to get advice from other people that know this culture better than me. And no need to apologise, I have crazier life stories tha this! lol I often think that why do I do this. Why not just go to find bar girl or something easy??? One I don't drink... two girls that drink do not do it for me... Three I am not interested in a brothel... so what are my choices?? Thanks for you input!