Keeping The Power In Thai/farang Relationship.

[Neeranam]

I've just seen yet another example of a farang guy buying a house for his new Thai wife, from a humble farming background, and her not being able to handle it. This led to arguments and ultimately him getting kicked out.

These woman are not used to having the power over a man. Buying a house and letting her have control of the finances is a very bad idea, IMHO.

You MUST keep control in the relationship, and one way of doing this is to rent a house rather than buy. Don't give in to pressure from her - "it's a Thai cultural thing" etc, learn to say "no".

How many Thai men get married and build a house straight away? In Thai culture, the man is boss - if you want the relationship to last, keep it that way. This is especially important for newcomers to Thailand - under 5 years. Don't go putting money into this country until you see how it works, or doesn't work. Also, learn to speak Thai - this is very important - man, the number of couples I've seen where the Thai woman doesn't translate properly what the farang wants.

[OlRedEyes]

This is so true. Especially the last bit about translation.

I say 'I want a 3some'. She translates,'He wants to be smacked'.

[Donz]

You need to know your gf properly before making her your wife.

Thats where alot of people make there mistakes, getting married within 6 months or less will be maximising this risk.

I say you need to be with them for 4 or 5 years to actually know the girl, live with her for that time and then if your confident then buy a house.

Common sense, because rushing into things is like buying a house with a stranger that you dont really know yet

[cdnvic]

Sounds like another guy who rushed into both the relationship, and buying the house. Why he didn't own the house and lease the land from her is something only he knows. How long were they together before they married?

cv

[sbk]

These woman are not used to having the power over a man. Buying a house and letting her have control of the finances is a very bad idea, IMHO.

You MUST keep control in the relationship, and one way of doing this is to rent a house rather than buy. Don't give in to pressure from her - "it's a Thai cultural thing" etc, learn to say "no".

How many Thai men get married and build a house straight away? In Thai culture, the man is boss - if you want the relationship to last, keep it that way. This is especially important for newcomers to Thailand - under 5 years.

Depends Neeranam. I've seen relationships where the woman is definitely the boss. But, you do have a point here, many (but not all) Thai-Thai relationships are based on one person being in power and in control. I find it very sad that people can't respect each others opinions and listen to what that person has to say without feeling the need to assert control.

[Donz]

Actually most of my fiancees friend wear the pants in there marrage, My fiancee also thinks she is the boss but so do I, we have some interesting stand offs alot but its all in fun as we both have a good sense of humor.

But one of her friends demanded her husband to stop smoking cigs or she will leave him,heheheh next week I kept offering him smokes and he sort of looks down and says "sorry ive quit" hehehehe

[sbk]

Thats funny Donz, in my marriage, I don't think I'm the boss and my husband doesn't think he is the boss either. So, we get along fine, no standoffs either

If I make a major decision, of course, I consult him. And if he makes a major decision he consults me. We are in a partnership, after all.

[OlRedEyes]

Depends Neeranam. I've seen relationships where the woman is definitely the boss. But, you do have a point here, many (but not all) Thai-Thai relationships are based on one person being in power and in control. I find it very sad that people can't respect each others opinions and listen to what that person has to say without feeling the need to assert control.

I have been trying for a long time to stabilise our relationship on an equal partner basis. Tried the 50/50 approach, that didn't work. Tried the approach that we take control along the lines of our personal strenths, that didn't work. I refuse to take total control, I do not want a slave, and I refuse to relinquish total control, I won't be a slave.

So now I just let her have apparent control, but keep control of the limits. Not really my cup of tea, but she's such a good woman that I am not willing to push the destruct button... yet.

A major problem...

[Neeranam]

Sounds like another guy who rushed into both the relationship, and buying the house. Why he didn't own the house and lease the land from her is something only he knows. How long were they together before they married?

They met on the internet and were married 1 month after meeting in person. Their marriage could have had a chance, IMO, if he had just rented and wasn't such a woose.

You need to know your gf properly before making her your wife.

Thats where alot of people make there mistakes, getting married within 6 months or less will be maximising this risk.

I say you need to be with them for 4 or 5 years to actually know the girl, live with her for that time and then if your confident then buy a house.

Common sense, because rushing into things is like buying a house with a stranger that you dont really know yet

I agree Donz, there are lots who jump in too quickly and are taking a really big gamble.

Depends Neeranam. I've seen relationships where the woman is definitely the boss. But, you do have a point here, many (but not all) Thai-Thai relationships are based on one person being in power and in control. I find it very sad that people can't respect each others opinions and listen to what that person has to say without feeling the need to assert control.

Sure SBK, but the woman who is in control probably comes from a family where the mother had some control and knew how to use it. The problem I see is when the woman who has no idea how to use the control(has never been taught) gets more control than she ever thought possible. I know one real lo-so woman who drive around in a 5 million baht merc. Sons are studying in Uk after an international education. Guess what, the father, a good friend of mine, left - the relationship went bad about 15 years ago.

I have control of lack of finances in our household. My wife has control of things in the house.

As for our daughter, we have equal lack of control. I have tried to control my wife in the past but learned painfully - I cannot control other people.

[Heng]

IMO most of these horror stories seem to stem from poor choice of spouse AND poor financial planning on the part of the losing party from the outset (it's easier to "lose it all" when you're of older years and haven't saved/invested much along the way).

[monochaser]

I agree 100% about this keeping 100% control. Never ever relinquish that or you are doomed. The people talking anything else are mistaken. I have seen those who do not maintain control get burned over and over and over

[cdnvic]

If you have to put the financial screws to your wife to keep her "under control", then you're a failure as a husband on many other levels.

cv

[GoodHeart]

If you have to put the financial screws to your wife to keep her "under control", then you're a failure as a husband on many other levels.

cv

But only if she allows you to fail, of course.

[chonabot]

Here in the UK , after 8 plus years of marriage ( and knowing each other over 12 ) We tend to have the say over different issues. But ultimately, as I am the chief wage earner, my wife will defer to me on major financial issues. She is in control of the household budget and manages much better than I ever could. We expect to move to Kohn Kaen or Kalasin in about 5 years and I expect some of the power will be shifted in her direction. I will be 45 then and hopedfully our trust will be as strong if not stronger than ever. I feel sorry for the type of bloke that Neeranam has described.

But financially my wife and I will , hopefully , never make a major financial decision without the other's agreement.

[pnustedt]

It's a sad state of affairs if either partner relies on power and control of the other to maintain their happiness. IMO the relationship in these circumstances has already broken down. Marriage should be a partnership, not of one controlling the other.

The wife getting possession of the house in these circumstances appears to be an international phenomena and not limited to Thailand.

The % of marraiges breaking down throughout the western world is quite high - perhaps the best advice is to steer clear of it altogether - just to be safe!

[billd766]

These woman are not used to having the power over a man. Buying a house and letting her have control of the finances is a very bad idea, IMHO.

You MUST keep control in the relationship, and one way of doing this is to rent a house rather than buy. Don't give in to pressure from her - "it's a Thai cultural thing" etc, learn to say "no".

How many Thai men get married and build a house straight away? In Thai culture, the man is boss - if you want the relationship to last, keep it that way. This is especially important for newcomers to Thailand - under 5 years.

Depends Neeranam. I've seen relationships where the woman is definitely the boss. But, you do have a point here, many (but not all) Thai-Thai relationships are based on one person being in power and in control. I find it very sad that people can't respect each others opinions and listen to what that person has to say without feeling the need to assert control.

SBK

I thoroughly agree with you. I have known my wife 13 years (today actually) and we have been married for a little over 6 years. The house and land is all in her name and we have joint bank accounts plus sinle user accounts as well.

If I am working then all of the salary goes into the joint account and we each take what is needed and tell each other how much. If not then I take the money from my UK account which is also a

joint account to pay all the bills etc.

I do not give her an allowance but she is free to take from the account if she wants something.

Usually at the end of a contract over seas I give her 20% of what we have left to put in her sole account as emergency money or to use as she wishes.

She runs the house and farm and as I am getting older I am generally not allowed to do much other than give advice etc so I leave her to it.

I don't control her and she doesn't control me but we do share control of our son. (At home this generally but not always means I get the pampers changes etc but I also get to bath him and have fun).

[jdinasia]

I just find the whole issue moot ..... the partner and his family have way more assetts than I do

[GuestHouse]

If you have to put the financial screws to your wife to keep her "under control", then you're a failure as a husband on many other levels.

Hats off to that.

You want a pet, get a dog.

If you can't cope with an adult relationship don't get married.

[monochaser]

It's a sad state of affairs if either partner relies on power and control of the other to maintain their happiness. IMO the relationship in these circumstances has already broken down. Marriage should be a partnership, not of one controlling the other.

The wife getting possession of the house in these circumstances appears to be an international phenomena and not limited to Thailand.

The % of marraiges breaking down throughout the western world is quite high - perhaps the best advice is to steer clear of it altogether - just to be safe!

I agree with much a what you say pal. The only difference though about the wife getting possession of the house thing is that in Thailand, unlike other countries, it is too often a premeditated scheme by the perpitrator woman

[Khutan]

If you have to put the financial screws to your wife to keep her "under control", then you're a failure as a husband on many other levels.

cv

I agree and don't agree.

I know someone who dole's money out to his wife every day as she just doesn't have the capability to manage more than a day at a time.

[Phil Conners]

I think this is mostly for ex-bargirl-wifes.

[Neeranam]

I know someone who dole's money out to his wife every day as she just doesn't have the capability to manage more than a day at a time.

I know quite a few that do this. Most the man doles it out but a couple where the women do.

I'd say for many Thai/farang erlationships this is a very good plan.

I dole out money to my wife weekly.

Most Thais(the stingy Chinese not included) are terrible at budgeting.

[cdnvic]

I know someone who dole's money out to his wife every day as she just doesn't have the capability to manage more than a day at a time.

I know quite a few that do this. Most the man doles it out but a couple where the women do.

I'd say for many Thai/farang erlationships this is a very good plan.

I dole out money to my wife weekly.

Most Thais(the stingy Chinese not included) are terrible at budgeting.

The best way for me to save money is to give it to my wife and tell her to spend it. She may be stingy but she can take care of herself and never asks me for anything other than my portion of shared expenses. Odd how you berate Thais for not being able to handle money, and another race because they can.

cv

[a2396]

It's a sad state of affairs if either partner relies on power and control of the other to maintain their happiness. IMO the relationship in these circumstances has already broken down. Marriage should be a partnership, not of one controlling the other.

The wife getting possession of the house in these circumstances appears to be an international phenomena and not limited to Thailand.

The % of marraiges breaking down throughout the western world is quite high - perhaps the best advice is to steer clear of it altogether - just to be safe!

I aree with you about steering clear of marriage. I see no reason for this unless there are children or some financial reasons for such, which would be of benefit to both parties, not just the wife. A relationship holds together based on mutual good feelings for each other, which you cannot find with another person elsewhere. You make each others lives emotionally, physically, and spiritually richer as a result of your association. If this somehow becomes non-functional, the partnership is liable to end, marriage paper or no marriage paper.

It is disturbing to see the high percentage of Farangs running out and buying houses and cars, etc, etc. in the sole ownership of a wife, in a country where the husband is a guest (renewable on a yearly basis). If something goes amiss and the lady wants to split, we know the result. Unfortunately, this scenario has become a major chapter in the "cottage industry" here.

[billd766]

It's a sad state of affairs if either partner relies on power and control of the other to maintain their happiness. IMO the relationship in these circumstances has already broken down. Marriage should be a partnership, not of one controlling the other.

The wife getting possession of the house in these circumstances appears to be an international phenomena and not limited to Thailand.

The % of marraiges breaking down throughout the western world is quite high - perhaps the best advice is to steer clear of it altogether - just to be safe!

I aree with you about steering clear of marriage. I see no reason for this unless there are children or some financial reasons for such, which would be of benefit to both parties, not just the wife. A relationship holds together based on mutual good feelings for each other, which you cannot find with another person elsewhere. You make each others lives emotionally, physically, and spiritually richer as a result of your association. If this somehow becomes non-functional, the partnership is liable to end, marriage paper or no marriage paper.

It is disturbing to see the high percentage of Farangs running out and buying houses and cars, etc, etc. in the sole ownership of a wife, in a country where the husband is a guest (renewable on a yearly basis). If something goes amiss and the lady wants to split, we know the result. Unfortunately, this scenario has become a major chapter in the "cottage industry" here.

I bought a house for my wife, replaced her car every couple of years, we had joint bank accounts in a country where there was no restriction on who could own what. Something went amiss in my marriage and I wanted a divorce and I lost the lot and was left with only the few personal possessions I could fit in a rented car. Also the money in the joint accounts dried up and the credit cards got maxed out.

That was in the UK and my former wife and I are both British.

However my Thai lady stuck with me all they way. We have known each other 13 years, been married for 6 years and have a beautiful son who is nearly 2 years old. All the land and property is in her name and we have joint and single bank accounts.

Who would I trust? My Thai wife all the way. We don't have a perfect marriage but then again who does. I am more than happy to be with her and our son until I die.

Her family asks for very little and I send her parents money as her dad is retired and doesn't have much. It was my decision to do so.

There is no power struggle in our family and neither of us thinks of trying to "control" the other.

Why would we need to.

Control and power plays are for weak people who are so insecure that they need to feel important.

Edited May 30, 2006 by billd766

[Thai-Aust]

I've just seen yet another example of a farang guy buying a house for his new Thai wife, from a humble farming background, and her not being able to handle it. This led to arguments and ultimately him getting kicked out.

These woman are not used to having the power over a man. Buying a house and letting her have control of the finances is a very bad idea, IMHO.

This problem is likely to happen if you're married to bargirls or Isann woman.

How many Thai men get married and build a house straight away? In Thai culture, the man is boss - if you want the relationship to last, keep it that way.

I'm talking based on educated couples in Bangkok and metro areas, in Thai culture men are not the boss of the house, (excluding the Chinese-Thai, farang-Thai families). When it comes to household fanance, men give most of their earnings to the wives and then the wives will give them back some for weekly/monthly expenses. The rest will go towards household expenses and savings. Another words, it's the wives who manage finances.

[a2396]

I've just seen yet another example of a farang guy buying a house for his new Thai wife, from a humble farming background, and her not being able to handle it. This led to arguments and ultimately him getting kicked out.

These woman are not used to having the power over a man. Buying a house and letting her have control of the finances is a very bad idea, IMHO.

This problem is likely to happen if you're married to bargirls or Isann woman.

How many Thai men get married and build a house straight away? In Thai culture, the man is boss - if you want the relationship to last, keep it that way.

I'm talking based on educated couples in Bangkok and metro areas, in Thai culture men are not the boss of the house, (excluding the Chinese-Thai, farang-Thai families). When it comes to household fanance, men give most of their earnings to the wives and then the wives will give them back some for weekly/monthly expenses. The rest will go towards household expenses and savings. Another words, it's the wives who manage finances.

I wouldn't trust any Thai woman I have met here or any woman for that matter to manage my money. Any man who does is asking for big trouble someday. If she earns the money, it is her money. If I (the husband earns the money, it is part my money and part shared money). If the Thai wife manages the money, where do the Thai men get the money for all thier supposed girlfriends and mia nois??

[KhunMarco]

It's the Thai way...you can't understand..you are a farang....

There's actually a lot of people who believe this BS

[Jai Dee]

It's the Thai way...you can't understand..you are a farang....

There's actually a lot of people who believe this BS

There's actually quite a lot of truth to this too...

It can take many many years in a cross-cultural relationship to be able to claim with any degree of certainty that you can understand your spouse 100% of the time.

[sbk]

Actually, I disagree with the idea that all Thai men hand their earnings over to their wives, or that that makes the wife the boss.