This Story Is A Lie

[Ijustwannateach]

There is not a bit of truth, not a single word of fact in all this thread, in any of the story I am about to tell. Don't trust a word I say. Of course, you know me.

The other night my friend Moo called me up, wanted me to meet friends from his hometown. I said sure, where? He suggested a Thaish kind of place, near him of course. Moo's never the type to inconvenience himself when he's asking someone else for a favour. What's the favour, you may ask? Well, you didn't think that Moo was going to take us out, did you?

But Moo's young and selfish, and if I had a dime for every time I was young and selfish I'd be a rich old man now, indeed. And anyway, Thais will eventually forgive you for all the bad things they do to you, you can depend on that.

Moo's from Isaan, which is kind of the Thai equivalent of being from the remotest part of the Appalachians 30 years ago, or contemporary Tennessee. A lot of people are still living off the land, chopping wood and carrying water even without enlightenment. I suppose that's what they'll still be doing after enlightenment, too.

Moo did his share of wood and waterwork. He was a water buffalo tender through most of his tender years, and then some. Then one day, his family sold off all the buffalo, and they didn't need him for that job anymore. Luckily he was one of the 1% of 1% of 1% from that area who had the luck, the skill, the tenacity, and the teachers to get him noticed- so now he's a college student, at only slightly older than the normal age.

Moo speaks great English, which is kind of like one of those Appalachian mountaineers I mentioned being able to speak great Chinese. I don't know if this supports the stereotype of gay people being able to learn French well, or if that stereotype holds true in France. I have met two French Christoffs- one was gay and one was not ["We come in many varieties," claimed gay Christoff] and both spoke much better English than I speak any other language.

So we started with coffee in a little shop before dinner, because a lot of Moo's friends were still at work. Moo's childhood friend, Oralee, naturally was also from his childhood home, and she spoke very little English but she did so with great spirit. She was sweet and pretty and naive and innocent, though Moo said Oralee was a former girlfriend of his, I suppose before he got the whole gay thing figured out. Oralee said she already knew about the gay thing when she was Moo's girlfriend, but that she had liked him so much she wanted to try anyway. I asked her if he had been a good boy, and she said no- he had pilfered some money from her once. He looked properly abashed.

Oralee had just come to the Big City to find her fortune, as her prospects were somewhat limited living in a farmhouse along the Mekong River. She had been very fortunate indeed and landed a magazine writing position just that week- something about cooking. Tonight's meeting was a combination of an introduction for me, a reunion, and a celebration of her arrival and hire. We arrived at the Thaish restaurant, which was a suitably subtle hot pink on every paintable surface.

Moo warned me that of his friends, one guy would be coming who didn't know he was gay- but that guy spoke not a word of English, and I told Moo that the restaurant colour was good camoflauge for him, so then he hit me. When he arrived, he was introduced as Nu and came with a girl, Pong, who was part of their gang. Nu and Pong both worked long hours in factories for something like $100 a month, and were glad to do it. I was reminded of my grandmother's stories about supervising "the girls" in a button factory in North Carolina.

So we started drinking and eating- a lot of beer, and a lot of overpriced rice. One dish in that place cost more than a whole day's wages for a lot of people. Moo had offered to put in a few bucks himself, but I told him it wasn't necessary.

[PeaceBlondie]

I know there's not an ounce of truth in that story yet, but with nicknames like Nu, Pong, and Moo, it sounds real. That "Oralee" character is obviously a refugee from a Sara Lee pastry box, or a clever throwback to the title of the American folk song that Elvis Presley sang as "Love Me Tender."

I wouldn't have believed the 'former girlfriend' part, except that I was dining in a Mexican restaurant in Patpong last week (yes, Mexican and Patpong; those are not mis-spellings). The cute mid-20's waiter told me he tried girlfriends for a long time, and then five years with a boyfriend. I said, "Yo, también - me, too."

C'mon, Stephen - don't keep us in suspense. Will Moo and Nu play pingpong like King Kong did in Hong Kong? Will the restaurant serve pink rice in pink bowls? Is Oralee oral?

[Ijustwannateach]

No, I tell you, none of it's true, and I'm not "Steven" in this thread, because that might be true (or it might not, and I guess not, because there's nothing here I say that's true, not one word). After all, I tried telling the truth and a few people didn't like it, so I figure it's time to try lies, unless like Lear's fool I'm to be whipped by one for telling the truth and by t'other for lying. So in this thread I'll be "Marmaduke."

Well, we'd had a good dinner and filled up on beer and rice, when Moo told me his boyfriend was coming to join us as well. Moo's idea of a boyfriend was a bit vague to me- it didn't seem to stop him from going out dancing and picking up foreign tourists- but hey, it was none of my business and it worked for them, except when they were arguing, which was often.

It was my first time to meet this boyfriend. He was a nice enough guy from the U.S., who had some sort of design business. We both let out that sign of relief that foreigners in Thailand do when they realise that a foreigner they've been introduced to is neither a sexpat, a tourist, a criminal, a scammer, a sponger, an alcoholic, a pedophile, penniless, homeless, a person of mysterious means, a schizophrenic, a Christian missionary, a hoodlum, a backpacker, nor yet a sanctimonious weirdo who talks about "Thainess." We made the usual chitchat and told our stories about how we knew Moo- both of us had met him online. It's a long way from Mukdahan, baby.

In the end, Boyfriend and I fought over the bill and agreed to share it, American-style. We got grateful smiles from Moo and his friends, and I told Boyfriend I was happy to meet him, because it was true. He said the same thing to me, and I hope that was also true. But remember, you know me, and I'm the biggest liar in the world.

What would a celebration be without drinking and dancing? Off we went to a bar in Mo Chit- yes, one of those special, special places most foreigners never go but because of specialness and special friendship and special special specialness, here I was the great white native being shown a gay bar Off The Beaten Track, something that nearly never happens at all.

And I didn't even have to pay, because Moo had the better part of a bottle of whiskey left there. And I didn't even bother to ask him how he was planning to explain this excursion to a gay disco to Nu. [You should have already been wondering what Nu was supposed to do with Boyfriend, right?]

Anyway, Boyfriend wasn't going because he was busy. I wondered if my dancing problem would come back, but I figured I would let things work themselves out, because they usually do anyway.

"Marmaduke"

[PeaceBlondie]

Now I understand the whole lie. I mean, the whole thing.

MSM, that media we're accused of reading about gayness, stands for "Marmaduke's Sister's Marmalade."

I hereby nominate this for the expatriate quote of the week:

We both let out that sign of relief that foreigners in Thailand do when they realise that a foreigner they've been introduced to is neither a sexpat, a tourist, a criminal, a scammer, a sponger, an alcoholic, a pedophile, penniless, homeless, a person of mysterious means, a schizophrenic, a Christian missionary, a hoodlum, a backpacker, nor yet a sanctimonious weirdo who talks about "Thainess."

[DUMPSTER]

No posts for 9 days then you start this thread.

So I take it that the therapy wasn't successful?

Welcome back

[dukkha]

Ever tried embroidery as a therapeutic outlet??

[DUMPSTER]

I think a visit to Jenny Craig would be a more successful route

[PeaceBlondie]

As the girls say to Olivia Newton-John in Grease, "Tell us more; tell us more; did he go very far?"

[jerry921]

"neither a sexpat, a tourist, a criminal, a scammer, a sponger, an alcoholic, a pedophile, penniless, homeless, a person of mysterious means, a schizophrenic, a Christian missionary, a hoodlum, a backpacker, nor yet a sanctimonious weirdo who talks about "Thainess."

If all of that's a lie you're the most versatile person I've never met.

not ( A or B ) is the same as not A and not B.

[Ijustwannateach]

This might not be true, but in the following grammatic structure,

neither fish, nor fowl, nor good red herring,

I'm fairly sure that the meaning is Not A, Not B, and Not C- and that's the one used in the phrase...

[PeaceBlondie]

My oh my....I go away for three days and what do I return to? Not still yet another installment (I do like these false fallacious untrue mythical legendary imaginary prevarications), and you guys are arguing like English teachers!!

[kasi]

Oops wrong forum!

Edited May 30, 2006 by kasi

[toptuan]

Ever stop to think about what a list like this reveals about the poster?

Hmm, based on sound principles of psychoanalysis, let's see...

Author

avoids..............Author's hidden secrets

sexpat..............Priest or nun

a tourist............Discovery channel, armchair, and a cold beer is as far as he gets

a criminal..........Definitely not a risk-taker

a scammer........Always goes by the book; everything covered

............................by contract, including the shoe-shine boy's duties.

a sponger..........Wouldn't loan a baht to his dying mother

an alcoholic........Tee-totaler, of course

a pedophile.........Goes for senior citizens (only the rich ones on oxygen)

penniless.............Still gets his weekly allowance from dad back in Liverpool

homeless............Three vacation homes in Samui, but acquired by

...........................means revealed below.

a person of

mysterious

means................Unemployed, but wears it on his sleeve

a schizophrenic....Has it all together. Knows the personal names of all

...............................the inanimate objects he talks to

a Christian

missionary............Religious bigot (scratch "priest or nun" idea)

a hoodlum.............In the mafia, but more discreet and hi-so about it than a common hoodlum

a backpacker.........His idea of roughing it is turning up the air-con to 25

nor yet a

sanctimonious

weirdo who

talks about

"Thainess."............Hasn't spoken Thai to anyone since 1980; immigrated 1980

Wait, the story's a lie? Darn.

[dukkha]

LOL quite a pithy and aphorisitic post Top Tuan...gave me a laff or three... Dukkha

[Ijustwannateach]

Yes, of course TT's right, "Marmaduke" is exactly as he described; that is, if anything in this thread were true.

"Marmaduke"

Edited June 1, 2006 by Ijustwannateach

[jdinasia]

OK ... I get it .. a night of food and drinking ......

[Ijustwannateach]

Well, it's been awhile, but time to keep telling my lies. We settled down at the tall iron table, and the Staff came over to take our order. Moo got his bottle, and we all had whiskey and Pepsi. If you haven't had the pleasure of a "bottle-keep" bar, it's basically a safe-deposit box for a full bottle of whatever spirits tickle your fancy, with free ice, mixers, and service thrown in. It's popular in Asia because people like to encourage loyalty to return customers (not to mention heavy drinkers, which is not to say drinkers who are heavy).

Staff, incidentally, did not seem particularly gay. This is fairly common in gay bars because if the Staff were gay they'd keep getting picked up by the customers, which interferes with business. The best, longest running gay bar Staff I know are straight. I suppose that doesn't mean they never get curious or want to have some fun...

The gayest guy in the place, aside from Moo himself, was probably the DJ. He had spikey hair and a vaguely foreign look, as if he may have been only part Thai- people in the entertainment business here often have this look, which is fashionable and popular. Moo asked me if I thought he was cute, but this was one of those cases where Thai tastes and mine are totally divergent. He was standing up there on that record platform, doing what DJs do, looking cool and pretending to concentrate on other people's music.

I could tell that the alcohol wasn't going to last long, what with five of us (you haven't forgotten already, have you? Moo, Me, Nu, Pong, and of course, Oralee) drinking, and pretty quickly at that. I had already figured I wasn't going to escape unpunished. But hey, I'd already volunteered to be a victim, and I had gained some face, even if I hadn't gained anything else; plus, this place was a bit trendy for me and if I was going to dance I needed more to drink.

"You're not going to dance, are you?" asked the dwarf standing beside me.

I ignored him, because I thought the question was pretty rude.

Moo was already itching to dance, but he would only do his "sexy dance" when Nu went to the bathroom. When Nu came out, he would stop the gyrating and lip-licking and torso-rubbing and just went back to hopping up and down a bit with the girls, who pretending to be interested in him. Seeing how Nu had just had dinner with Moo's gay friend and his boyfriend in a pink restaurant and was now dancing and drinking in a gay bar, I'm not quite sure what the charade was for.

"C'mon, I want you to dance!" Moo said, shouting in my ear.

"Ok, ok, but I need to drink more first. Besides, I think it's much better for both of us if I'm sitting here watching you dancing than if you were sitting there watching me dancing." I did my dancing bear imitation. "I'm not that good."

"It's ok- but drink more if you need to."

"Don't you remember what happened last time?" the dwarf said, edging up to me until his nose was almost touching mine.

"Marmaduke"

[Ijustwannateach]

I had been out dancing with Moo one night before, when another girlfriend of his, Ann, came along. She was only 18, and even in my limited homosexual way I was able to tell she was stunning (well, for a woman). We went out to one of the gay discos downtown, and she was curious so she tagged along ("for the show," she said). Moo told me privately that he was afraid she would be bored and feel out of place, so I promised to help take care of her. Stupid me!

We took up a pretty good position on the bannister over the stage, not long before the "show" was supposed to begin. As "shows" go, this one wasn't bad- it had the usual dancing ladyboys in drag (known in the biz apparently as HooHa girls), lipsync, a couple of game but aging gay male dancers, and for a bit of a jolly the most enormous gay Thai ladyboy ever known- think sumo wrestler, but short.

Afterwards, some dancing finally began, if you can actually dance in a place where the average space between you and the next guy is about 5 centimeters. Almost immediately, Moo ran off and started chasing foreigners- I saw him talking with a group by the stairs, and he was even kissing one right there in the club. I mentioned this kind of looseness in his relationship with his boyfriend before, right? So there I was, in the busiest disco in downtown Bangkok on a Friday night, entertaining a beautiful.... lady.

At least she was an enthusiastic dancer. But we were getting all these amused, ironic glances ["oh, what are YOU people doing here- don't you have your own clubs?"]. She was also getting a bit, um, drunk- cheap date syndrome, I guess- and I think it was also making her loose some of her inhibitions, as she started pressing up against me pretty closely. All around us were some of the cutest, fittest young disco queens in the city, as oblivious to her charms as I was. It would have been wonderful, if only I were straight. I did try to make a pass at a super hot guy that Moo told me was eyeing me (in passing, of course, not that I saw him more than 5 seconds the rest of the evening), but with the girl wrapped around me on the dance floor he just smirked and ran off.

Come to think of it, that dwarf was there that time, too. He looked like he wanted to say something to me then, but as he was coming across the floor there were so many people (who were mostly not paying attention to anything below hip level) that as they danced he got knocked down and trampled. I couldn't see that far myself, and I assumed since people weren't tripping or making a space that he managed to get up and make a space for himself. Curious at the time but I didn't know him from Adam, so no special reason to remember it before now.

Come to think of it, that night I met another person who had even further past connections with me. When I finally said goodnight to Moo ["oh, I'm so sorry, I haven't taken care of my friend, thank you, thank you"] and Ann ["very nice to meet you, please call me soon"], I was walking out when who should I see but Pete- my very first gay date in Thailand.

"Marmaduke"

[Ijustwannateach]

Before I talk about Pete, though, I realise this dwarf has come up a couple of times now and you might be wondering about him. I just wanted to say, I know from dwarves. They're just people like us, except with a terribly unfair genetic joke on them from when they're born. Most dwarves I've met have seemed fairly philosophical about their situation in public- I suppose they're used to their own bodies, and you've got to work with what you have. There're also a few different kinds, which I didn't know until I'd been to a kind of strange all-dwarf karaoke pub in the Philippines [these places are considered a real hoot there- I'm all for them, if it gives another economic opportunity to persons who might find it harder to get other kinds of regular jobs there].

There's a kind of dwarfism which distorts the normal size and shape of the limbs and features. This is the sort of dwarf like Gimli in the Lord of the Rings, and is also the sort of dwarf like the dwarf in this story. Incidentally, I hear that Gimli was played by a Thai lady dwarf who did very well from the movie (of course, in the mixed scenes where they had to emphasize the size differences between the characters without being close enough to show Gimli speaking).

There's another kind of dwarf which I suppose you could call a hormonal dwarf. These dwarfs never go through puberty because of some malfunction in their endocrine systems. That means that they get to looking about twelve or so, and then they never really age again (although I think they do show some signs of wear as they get older). When I was in that Philippine bar, I saw someone that looked about 12 come to our table to take our drink order. When he left I asked my friend there, "what's that kid doing working in a place like this?" My friend laughed and asked me, "how old do you think he is?"

"12? Maybe 13 if he hasn't been eating right?"

"He's 23. Ask him to show you his ID if you want."

It was the creepiest thing, because after I looked a bit more closely, I could see that although his body looked 12, his mannerisms and his behavior were much older. It was a jarring combination, and more affecting than the physical distortions of the other dwarfs working in the bar.

Finally, I think there's a third kind of dwarf, and this kind of dwarf doesn't even look like a dwarf. The third kind of dwarf looks all normal and properly sized and shaped on the outside. However, inside something has never developed. Sometimes it's morals, sometimes it's social skills, sometimes it's human sympathy or compassion. Sometime's it's a combination of all these things. You might call these kinds of folks spiritual dwarfs. You run across them more often than you might think.

Anyway, that same night I first saw the dwarf I'm talking about, I also saw my old friend Pete.

My first evening in Thailand, I met up with a friend of mine who had been coming here many, many years. We were both tourists here, and he was going to introduce me to the Tourist Scene, which of course at that time meant the area around Silom downtown. There were 2 pubs, one restaurant, a karaoke place, and a couple of discos, basically. We went to one of the pubs.

The moment I walked in the door, a young fellow (well, not that young- and I wasn't that much older at the time) walked over to me and gave me a big smile. He had been standing with a group of foreigners and Thais at the bar near the door. I smiled at him and ordered a drink from the bar.

"What's your name?" He wasn't shy.

"Marmaduke. And you?"

"I'm Pete. You come to Thailand first time?"

"Yes, I just came today."

I didn't have any real notions of the possible pitfalls of dating as a tourist at this time, and I trusted my friend (who was sitting over in another corner half-laughing at me for some reason), so I just let things go whither they would.

"You want to go dancing later?"

"Marmaduke"

Edited August 9, 2006 by Ijustwannateach

[Papa_Lazarou]

I'm just still stunned that someone named their child .......'Orally'

Does she have a brother called "Anally"?

[petecooper]

IJWT, I love your epic posts!

[Ijustwannateach]

Thanks! how nice to hear that.

[PeaceBlondie]

I believe the Elvis Presley classic song, "Love Me Tender" is from an old folk song, "Ora Lee." It probably didn't mean that, then, and probably didn't mean that in Thai twenty years ago.

That's not the first Moo I've known. Hmm, did he run a bar in Hua Hin?