Good age for starting a family?

[HeavyDrinker]

We've been married for 20 years and we sort of gave up on the idea of kids a long time ago especially as I'd a son already, and we have been in loco parentis of her nieces and nephews, however she has been getting broody of late and has now decided to go to a fertility clinic (?) as she feels unfulfilled until she plops one out of her own.

I'm a tad against the idea as we're both in our mid 40s, which I understand isn't the best age to be going for kids plus I don't fancy having to play football with a sprog when I'm 50 but she is hell bent on the idea though I sort of had my own plans for my 'Golden Years' such as going to live on an island, fishing for big game fish,drinking myself into a stupor daily, taking over the world etc.

She is my world though and I would love to see her up the duff with a belly full of my babies..

I'd like some input from people who have become fathers later in life. Even now a few hours with pal's kids leaves me in a foul mood and knackered, even the bloody dog is a job to deal with at times...

[thepool]

The lady in her 40's considering a pregnancy would be regarded as "high risk" by most obstetricians.

For such ladies a pre- pregnancy health check by a gynecologist/obstetrician would be a very wise first move.

[Sheryl]

On the physical side, it will be harder to conceive at that age (but not necessarily impossible). If she does not conceive naturally and you go the route of "assisted reproduction" (IVF etc) you are looking at big expense and risk of multiple births (twins, triplets etc) if it works, which it will not in many cases.

There is an increased risk of Down's syndrome but it is now possible to test for that fairly early in the pregnancy and Thai law permits abortion in case of fetal abnormality (she needs to understand this possibility though as it is emotionally wrenching to go through especially for a woman who wants a child).

But the larger issue in my mind is that you clearly do not want a baby. With all that assisted reproduction puts a couple through, should not be considered unless both are really committed to the idea of having a child. Otherwise the stress of it is quite likely to end your marriage.

Even without assisted reproduction, i.e. just trying naturally, I have concerns given your ambivalence. I don't think hearing from anyone else will help on that point because everyone is different. Some men end up thrilled with being a dad again and very glad they went ahead and others -- do not. Only you can decide how you are likely to respond.

It might be useful for the two of you to get some counseling to sort out your feelings about this.

[Costas2008]

Stop the heavy drinking "Heavydrinker" and you will see life in a different perspective.

[HeavyDrinker]

Thanks Sheryl and thepool, I am indeed fairly ambivalent to be honest but making her happy as retirement looms on the horizon is my one mission in life as Lord knows I've caused her enough pain in life thus far.

We were both fairly ambivalent about the whole issue early in our married life. "If it happens, all well and good"

I think counselling is a bang on idea as you've just listed a few real issues and I've a million others in my head. We have a very good relationship with our GP so we're going to see her this evening.

[transam]

Remember that having kids at a late age is a life changing experience, the kids will dominate your life into your old age, the ups and downs. Very big decision indeed with no turning back.

[HeavyDrinker]

Possibly my main concern MrT....for both of us....

[Sheryl]

Also need to consider the risk of one or both of you not living to see the children all the way into adulthood. Do you have other family members you'd trust to raise your children well?

And if you both do live to a ripe age, weathering teenage children while in your 60's.....

[transam]

Also need to consider the risk of one or both of you not living to see the children all the way into adulthood. Do you have other family members you'd trust to raise your children well?

And if you both do live to a ripe age, weathering teenage children while in your 60's.....

I have my own UK story involving myself. Don't really want to post it here, but it did end my UK marriage, not bye me may l add.

[HeavyDrinker]

Well my point to her is that I have a son already who has blessed us with a smashing couple of grand kids.....who I'd quite like to spend my retirement with but I see her point that even though she is my son's legal parent, he's not hers if you follow. Still I'm off for a shave and a haircut before the doc tonight...