Divorcing and messy

[battersea]

Thanks for all the previous advice on this topic...After finding out the wife was pregnant we decided to have a go at it again.

We have been arguing on and off for months but things have reached a head in the last couple of days.

On Friday she hit me and scratched me ...

she told me her last boyfriend wasn't as stingey as me so i told her to call him.She went beserk,

I look after everything , house , car ,food,parents ..everything..not stingey in the least.She hit me ,,our son was in my arms, he started crying and she could not stop hitting me even though she could see he was upset...(tears were coming out of his eyes!)

She drove off and snatched our son. she returned him to me a day later.. I bathed him , changed his nappy, fed him, put him to bed and we both woke up at 8am.

I fed him then showered him and she came 'to talk'.

I think "get in the car NOW" was how she invited me to talk.

Whilst in the car she told me we were finished and that ..

she wanted 50% of my monthly income for her, our son and the newborn(due in July)...

i was allowed to stay in the house and look after the boy during the day and i ciuld give her 50% of everything i have until we divorced and then i could give her what i wanted...buy nappies, milk etc ???????

I told her not to talk to me and order me around and that i did not have a problem with caring for my children

but that we should talk when she calmed down..

she hot me, stuck a key in my shoulder,,,,,scratched my neck and back with her nails...she could not control herself..i tried walking away and then she went to the kitchen..came back with a huge chef's knife and told me she would cut the baby out of her !

I walked to her parents' house and told them to go and control her...that she had a knife, but they weren't exactly in a hurry !!

Then she returned with my phones, passport and wallet...she said i had to agree to her demands and then go to the police station and promise to ..

give her 50% of my income,

get out of the house,

and divorce her as soon as possible...

As she hit me repeatedly , her Mum ( A Laos national who has been living here for years) looked sad and lost...her dad stayed at the back of the house and everyone seemed to scatter.

I felt hopeless...scratched and bleeding a little...i could not think straight...

I told her i would move out and that i would help with all the bills and left..it took over an hour to convince her to give me my stuff and let me go...

Now i am in a hotel...

and wondering...........

What the hell can i do to stay near to my son and stop this lunatic from either hurting me , stopping me from seeing my son or soon to be born daughter, taking everything i have or calling the police after hurting herself and telling the police i did it ???????

[harryfrompattaya]

Leave now take son or leave and go back to home country forget about this family or they will kill you

[irishsmile]

My first Thai gf lifted her hand to strike out at me once..... It was the first and last time.... She was history from that day and despite weeks and months of calls and messages ( which I never replied ) she finally got the message.

Your situation is much worse because you are married to this lunatic and your quite rightly want to keep access to your kids, I really do feel for you mate and honestly don't know the answer but personally I wouldn't concede to this mutters demands and blackmail. Yes of course you can provide for your kids but give this violent leech nothing!

And be careful.... Thai families and their extended families are united when it comes to backing their own, even when " their own" is the problem! Stay safe and I wish you success in sorting your life and this horrible situation you find yourself in.

Hopefully somebody who has had same problems and got them sorted can advise and help you as I can only give an opinion and pray for a good outcome.

[worldfun]

just continue to stay calm and keep in mind in the legal system she has no grounds to divorce you or at the very least it will be years in the future.

also money to support your kids is not calculated as percentage of salary, but on costs of living with bkk being highest with perhaps some 20-30k per month for 2 kids till 18 years or so old including school etc...

of course all assets after marriage may have to be shared 50/50 like house car etc, but example you wanna move back to your country with 1 kid so sell house and you will have a good deal of cash recovered in your half while of course the wife may think she can keep all & not able to pay you your half of the house value!!

although your wife seem to behave a bit violent it seems you have still some control but slow down see how it looks after staying apart a while. let her know you will support kids, but cut or stop all support to wife for now and take it from there...

it may also be that in the end you can find a way back together again if this is more like a extreme situation which will not get worse?

in this case you may consider family therapy/counseling...

best of luck

[NeverSure]

Good luck. You're going to need it.

Unless you have enough money to convince the mother to give you legal sole custody of your children, you can't save them from her behavior. They won't starve in Thailand with family around, and you have no control over how they are treated no matter how much money you send.

If I didn't have enough money to "buy" the children from the mother, I would run and hide. Any money you send won't be used for the children. Their lives won't improve and you can't help that.

As I said, good luck.

[lannarebirth]

Sorry for your situation. In order to garner more helpful replies, could you please flesh out a few more details? Such as, your age and work status? Does your child hold a foreign passport? Do you own your home free and clear and what is its value? Did you purchase/build the home prior to or during marriage? Are your finances comfortable or are you of straightened means? Do you hold any legal ownership position in your home or vehicles? Do you have debt? Do you have the ability or interest to take 100% custody of one or both of you children? Answering those questions might help people give you better advice. In the meantime secure all personal belongings including credit cards, debit cards, passports (both yours and your child's). Close or drain bank accounts as seems prudent.

[battersea]

I am 45.. i do not

work officially in LOS but i own a share in a UK company. My 15

mth old son has a thai and uk passport. she has the thai passport i have the uk. i built the house on her land which she says has not been given land papers yet. It was started when she was pregnant and then we were married and it was finished 3 mths later. My finances are ok. I am not in debt but have no savings.Do you hold any legal ownership position in your home or vehicles? No i do not think so.. i think nothing is in my name.Do you have the ability or interest to take 100% custody of one or both of you children? Yes i do.

I have marks on my body from when she hit me yesterday. I have been advised by some friends to go to the police but I

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[battersea]

but i am a little worried that it may backfire. I have faith in the judicial process but I'm worried that she will hurt herself and tell the police i

done it. i'm also worried that she would just lift the boy and disappear.

I am stuck.

she wants 50,000 by the end of the month so she can look after both kids until we divorce.. I don't have a problem with that except the way she talks to me and the fact that some of the money will probably go to her parents... I have also ordered for window grills to be fitted to the house and an air conditioner which should set me back about a hundred thousand and now I'm tempted to cancel these.

do i go to the police ?

do i give her the money and start saving 400,000

to get a new visa to take care of the

kids?

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[kingalfred]

Amazing how so many guys are suckers and dont understand what "most " Thai women are.Rarely is the cultural barrier bridged for more than a year or so,and if the woman is " damaged material" (as many are) then it's more calamity

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[nonthaburial]

Sad, it's very sad, but these type of domestics seem to be getting more and more common and regular. It is very difficult to give advice because unless we are in the OPs shoes then we really don't know 100% the whole story. Not for one minute am I accusing the OP of hiding facts, but when two people argue, body language tends to show more than hurtful words do.

For sure it appears the OP was assaulted actually causing bodily harm, so perhaps the first thing he should do is photograph the wounds for possible future use and proof. But as he quite rightly says, it's her word against his.

As it does appear she is trying to blackmail him using the son and unborn baby, which is relatively common in Asia, perhaps shock tactics would be suitable. For example take all his valuables, sons UK passport etc then slip away quietly for a couple of months and pay nothing.

Perhaps she will then realise the errors of her ways and have an attitude change. Being the sons mother, I would hope that she uses her maternal instincts to protect and look after the lad, but by her own means not from the financial source she is used to.

Perhaps to avoid being accused of abandoning her and your son, you leave a sealed letter with someone you can trust stating that after she assaulted you, you are now afraid of even further and more damaging attacks and you have decided to separate for a short period to allow her to cool down and allow reality to set in.

Won't be easy for you, but you were not the cause of such actions. Wish you luck and hope common sense prevails.

[cheeryble]

What you haven't spoken of is your prospects, which are all important to your plans.

If you have no savings at 45 they may be fairly modest.

(BTW I'd cancel the window grills and air con which sound extremely expensive unless you have a very large house.)

Then you need to separate your area of interest from your area of influence.

In other words decide what you CAN reasonably change and what you CAN'T…..and it may be mostly CAN'T.

Example you may have to accept that your children are brought up without you in the picture just like any regular Thai village kid (it sounds like a village).

You'd like them to have a good education but actually that may not be a reasonable expectation.

In any case the best education for them is your presence which would require a lifelong effort given the circumstances, and would the lingering strife between you and your wife be an ongoing sore in their upbringing?

You don't sit and worry about the regular Thai kids you see going to the local school who seem pretty happy like most kids, so why should you over worry about yours if you know they have the normal Thai family network around them and it's a country with abundant food and some sort of universal healthcare.

Just putting the other side of the coin and asking is it reasonable or even good for your kids for you to have an ongoing part in their future.

Human nature and bonding may of course take over from rational thinking, but you should at least consider things like this..

[apiwan]

Erm, from personal experience in similar situation, at the moment you do not realise how much power of influence you have,

She wants money , you have she doesn't , you still want to spend 100K on a house you won't be in for long,why ? Because you still have hope all will be fine in the end, it won't.

If you want and can look after kids,

If you are in a village give her 10K , then tell her what YOU want then go, tell her you will give her X Amount of time to decide,

If she doesn't give you what you want tell her , good luck and goodbye, and stand your ground,

Any sign of weakness on your side and she will smell it like an hyena,

Heartless . Yes , however if it's not done now you are only dragging yourself down and prolonging the inevitable.

Hope this helps,

BTW

I now am with my kids , sole custody and no ex wife for 2 years now, never been happier,

PS

If you do get her to agree to divorce, post here first, the writing in the attachment is VERY important.

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[cheeryble]

Perhaps as an informative break, some interesting stuff which suggests that the chips….the genes…..are already in place and upbringing doesn't make as much difference as we think it does…….certainly seems the case in adoptive studies.

http://freakonomics.com/2011/08/17/new-freakonomics-radio-podcast-the-economists-guide-to-parenting/

ps No doubt there are two sides to a story but IF things are as you describe them, I agree with others that a complete mental reset is in order for this woman perhaps starting with you disappearing for a while. A break in another place and a bit of time may put you in a better more detached mindset to make a decision too.

That's my prescription.

[Ozybear]

Get your passport and your kids passport and get the f out of there.

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[transam]

Could be post natal depression combined with the want more cash thing. Many "ladies" are cash orientated, my chum felt the same wrath. OP, really sorry you have a shit problem many farang do here.

[Showbags]

Crikey....sounds like you are not bored anyway.

Take photos and video of the injuries to yourself and keep them safe as a record for later.....very important for possible sole custody of the kids etc.....even see if you can hide a camera somewhere and get her attacking you one day, even encourage an occurrence for the sake of the future.

Take your son and run...do not finish the house, you will never get to live in it, nor should you want to.

The baby on the other hand, you may just have to wait for the future a little and see if you can get him/her later on in some kind of deal.

[liddelljohn]

This is a very dangerous situation ,file a police report about the assault , then leave this woman as soon as possible , take your son for his own protection ,, does he have a foreign passport ???... do not trust her family and do not show weakness to her .

[Mongk0l]

She sounds psychotic. Does she have some condition like Borderline Personality Disorder? You should read up, because the websites give lots of very useful tips for dealing with them.

[Phoenix1312]

Wow she sounds crazy. Take your son and run as far as you can. Good luck to you. I hope it all works out for you

[Pralaad]

No experience in Thailand with this kind of thing but this is from experience in another country. May be OP can seek advice from local lawyer using my example.

Go to police station and file a report for assault, make sure to have doctors certificates and photo's.

Create another fight(make sure you are safe) and again get medical reports and if possible hidden cam.

Again file police report.

After all is done and have police, medical and hopefully video evidence , file in court for full custody of your kids and forced hospitalization until the new born is out on the grounds of mother being mentally unstable and unfit to care for the new born and existing child.

Argue that she is violent and provide all the evidence.

Courts would grant it and you free to take away the kids .

My cousin went little further, he created a fight and pushed her (verbally ) all the way, while in the mean time calling the hospital , when ambulance arrived they saw a crazy maniac, she was hospitalized for 2 weeks and eventually he got full custody.

Hope it helps

[misterphil]

I know someone who was in your situation. Get your kid a passport and take him back to your home country without her knowing. Just wash your hands of the physco bitch. Your son is the only good thing you will get out of the relationship.

[Nuddy]

It sounds like OP does not hit her.

He is in the right!

What does he want?

He wants to look after his children

Go to court and sort that out.

There is no point giving the Wife money.

Regards

[JO1973]

No offense but it seems like you let what was a small flame turn into a raging inferno. The whole idea of male/female relationships is a lot different here than the developed world. You had the chance -- and the responsibility -- to lay down the law early on and let her and her family know who was calling the shots. You didn't do that and now you see what has happens. You basically need to be the exact opposite of the person you have been to this point if you want this thing to end on better terms.

[cbluck58]

Grab your son and run - get as far away as possible and never attempt any future contact.

[kinmaew]

"came back with a huge chef's knife and told me she would cut the baby out of her"

You are dealing with this type of person? its a no brainer mate, get the F O

[Bkungbank]

It happen to someone who is nearly finish financial as may ladies though getting a farang husband able to get luxury goods but we understand we need saving for the children as demand was not meet it ends this way, police will not help much get someone who you know have back power will solved. House will sold and you might kick our or already out, Hotel rental not the answer get a small apartment for monthly rental 4,000-5,000 Baht better near the house so the poor kid have father to look after.

Don't blame yourself it's money talk as when she going to compare that's end of it.

Consult a lawyer that you might able to award one of the children by court then leave or find a good wife for kid later, try not to find bar girls and I am not talk bad but most are poor and need support family, now have many middle class ladies available and sure won't slap you like this, cool down with your friends and get a cold beer try not to think too much as time pass by things will get better. Plan to get income to raise your children bank saving will be empty one day work hard for your kids when they grown up I am sure the will decide who is right and wrong , they will loved you much then other people. Look forward as the world still turning..

[Bkungbank]

It happen to someone who is nearly finish financial as may ladies though getting a farang husband able to get luxury goods but we understand we need saving for the children as demand was not meet it ends this way, police will not help much get someone who you know have back power will solved. House will sold and you might kick our or already out, Hotel rental not the answer get a small apartment for monthly rental 4,000-5,000 Baht better near the house so the poor kid have father to look after.

Don't blame yourself it's money talk as when she going to compare that's end of it.

Consult a lawyer that you might able to award one of the children by court then leave or find a good wife for kid later, try not to find bar girls and I am not talk bad but most are poor and need support family, now have many middle class ladies available and sure won't slap you like this, cool down with your friends and get a cold beer try not to think too much as time pass by things will get better. Plan to get income to raise your children bank saving will be empty one day work hard for your kids when they grown up I am sure the will decide who is right and wrong , they will loved you much then other people. Look forward as the world still turning..

[AnotherOneAmerican]

"What the hell can i do to stay near to my son and stop this lunatic from either hurting me , stopping me from seeing my son or soon to be born daughter, taking everything i have or calling the police after hurting herself and telling the police i did it ???????"

File a complaint at the local police station, the complaint is assault, insist they photograph your injuries and keep a copy of their photos yourself.

You may need to employ a Thai solicitor to help you with this.

Get your solicitor to apply for a court order, excluding her from the house and surrounding roads.

Do not allow her access to your home, do not meet with her, do not talk with her on the phone.

All contact must be via your solicitor, not you and her together anywhere at any time.

Really, allowing her access to your house and documents, what are you thinking of?

As you are married, under Thai law, they cannot order you, her husband, out of a house that is in her name until after a divorce.

The house is considered a marital asset, no matter what paperwork has been signed previously, until a judge rules otherwise.

[Donnie Brasco]

No experience in Thailand with this kind of thing but this is from experience in another country. May be OP can seek advice from local lawyer using my example.

Go to police station and file a report for assault, make sure to have doctors certificates and photo's.

Create another fight(make sure you are safe) and again get medical reports and if possible hidden cam.

Again file police report.

After all is done and have police, medical and hopefully video evidence , file in court for full custody of your kids and forced hospitalization until the new born is out on the grounds of mother being mentally unstable and unfit to care for the new born and existing child.

Argue that she is violent and provide all the evidence.

Courts would grant it and you free to take away the kids .

My cousin went little further, he created a fight and pushed her (verbally ) all the way, while in the mean time calling the hospital , when ambulance arrived they saw a crazy maniac, she was hospitalized for 2 weeks and eventually he got full custody.

Hope it helps

Hey man, either take the advice to cut and run with the kid you've bonded with or take the long way home by playing dirty as some of these last posts suggest. You do NOT have even the vestiges of a legal system here so for get about anything like a negotiated settlement here.

I do not care HOW brilliant the sex was first time around . . . . . You have to bail.

Plan your escape and bail.

"Sometimes, 'fuggedabowdit' just means fuggedabowdit. . . . "

[bkk75]

Record the fighting sessions on video so you have evidence if ever needed!