Raising Our Kids Thai Style Is Driving Me Insane

[KunMatt]

The gold thing is nonsense.

It should have been put in the bank as directed..not a one sided decision by the mother. Does she ignore all input from the father..

You don't buy gold to possibly sell it tomorrow. It's a complete show off thing nothing more nothing less.

More excuses for differences..that's not a difference that is just doing what the mother wanted.

Why didn't she ask if it is ok to the buy gold? The answer is obvious.

Too many guys interpret stuff to avoid the obvious ..they make excuses for the wife's action.

Clearly the op is an intelligent father..and has rationalized the situation..he really knows what he needs to do

^^^This.

If you buy and sell 1 baht of gold on the same you will lose about 1500 more baht of what you paid, so about 10% of the cost.

Gold here is a silly investment for the short term but that's not why she bought it. It was probably just to show off with no intention of selling it and he has every right to be angry that she spent money intended for his child's hospital bill was spent on gold for the mother without permission. I'd be livid myself.

[hopdafru]

The gold thing is nonsense.

It should have been put in the bank as directed..not a one sided decision by the mother. Does she ignore all input from the father..

You don't buy gold to possibly sell it tomorrow. It's a complete show off thing nothing more nothing less.

More excuses for differences..that's not a difference that is just doing what the mother wanted.

Why didn't she ask if it is ok to the buy gold? The answer is obvious.

Too many guys interpret stuff to avoid the obvious ..they make excuses for the wife's action.

Clearly the op is an intelligent father..and has rationalized the situation..he really knows what he needs to do

^^^This.

If you buy and sell 1 baht of gold on the same you will lose about 1500 more baht of what you paid, so about 10% of the cost.

Gold here is a silly investment for the short term but that's not why she bought it. It was probably just to show off with no intention of selling it and he has every right to be angry that she spent money intended for his child's hospital bill was spent on gold for the mother without permission. I'd be livid myself.

I don't know how much time some of you have spent in Lao / Isaan, but I can assure you that carrying gold is still a cultural way of having money available at all times as it is carried at all times, Lao/Isaan representing over 25 million people.

Also, the buy/sell price difference for gold is about 100 baht (was a few years back and cannot be much more nowadays), which is less than 1% as long as gold 1 baht is above 10k THB, this is less than most of us pay when exchanging money or going to the ATM - and every market has a stall where gold can be sold / bought / exhanged.

Definitely not nonsense or excuses, it's simply the way things are done there, hence the 'difference' as OP perfectly undestood and his lady confirmed as well.

It's not because we foreigners do things differently than how locals do it makes it nonsense... if one is more attentive to the local ways, better understanding will come out of it thus avoiding paranoid reactions and/or conflictual thinking...

As they say in isaan: sokdee der ;-)

Edited April 30, 2014 by hopdafru

[KunMatt]

I don't know how much time you guys have spent in Lao / Isaan, but I can assure you that carrying gold is still a cultural way of having money available at all times as it is carried at all times, lao/isaan representing over 25 million people.

Also, the buy/sell price difference for gold is about 100 baht (was a few years back and cannot be much more nowadays), which is less than 1% as long as gold 1 baht is above 10k THB, this is less than most of us pay when exchanging money or going to the ATM - and every market has a stall where gold can be sold / bought.

Definitely not nonsense or excuses, it's simply the way things are done there, hence the 'difference' as OP perfectly undestood and his lady confirmed as well.

It's not because we foreigners do things differently than how locals do it makes it nonsense... if one is more attentive to the local ways, better understanding will come out of it thus avoiding paranoid reactions and/or conflictual thinking...

As they say in isaan: sokdee der ;-)

Yes, I lived in Isaan and I know that people would rather buy gold and leave it under the pillow than put it into a bank.

If you bought a 1 baht block of gold then you could possibly sell it back for a few hundred baht less. However if you buy jewelry, such as this instance, then you have to pay the makers fee of about 700 to 1k baht and then, when you sell it, a smelting fee and whatever wear weight the gold has lost, which the gold shop will over exaggerate. So I don't see how you are not apologising for some very selfish behaviour here.

So are you really saying that if your child was due an operation and you left money for said operation while you went away to make some more money for your family only to find out that the minute you left the country your wife had spent all the money you left on jewelry to show off to her friends, then when the time comes and your child needs the operation your wife comes to you asking for the money again because she has already spent the money you left with explicit instructions that it was to be used to help the child and now she cannot get back enough of the cost to pay the hospital, that you would be totally fine with this?

Edited April 30, 2014 by KunMatt

[hopdafru]

I don't know how much time you guys have spent in Lao / Isaan, but I can assure you that carrying gold is still a cultural way of having money available at all times as it is carried at all times, lao/isaan representing over 25 million people.

Also, the buy/sell price difference for gold is about 100 baht (was a few years back and cannot be much more nowadays), which is less than 1% as long as gold 1 baht is above 10k THB, this is less than most of us pay when exchanging money or going to the ATM - and every market has a stall where gold can be sold / bought.

Definitely not nonsense or excuses, it's simply the way things are done there, hence the 'difference' as OP perfectly undestood and his lady confirmed as well.

It's not because we foreigners do things differently than how locals do it makes it nonsense... if one is more attentive to the local ways, better understanding will come out of it thus avoiding paranoid reactions and/or conflictual thinking...

As they say in isaan: sokdee der ;-)

Yes I lived in Isaan and I know that people would rather buy gild and leave it under the pillow than put it into a bank.

However, if you bought a 1 baht block of gold then you could possibly sell it back for a few hundred baht less. However if you buy jewelry, such as this instance, then you have to pay the makers fee of about 700 to 1k baht and then, when you sell it, a smelting fee and whatever wear weight the gold has lost, which the gold shop will over exaggerate. So I don't see how you are not apologising for some very selfish behaviour here.

So are you really saying that if your child was due an operation and you left money for said operation while you went away to make some more money for your family only to find out that the minute you left the country your wife had spent all the money you left on jewelry to show off to her friends, then when the time comes and your child needs the operation your wife comes to you asking for the money again because she has already spent the money you left with explicit instructions that it was to be used to help the child and now she cannot get back enough of the cost to pay the hospital, that you would be totally fine with this?

Ok, we both agree that Lao/Isaan people prefer buying gold than putting the money in the bank.

As to your example, of course I wouldn't agree if I left her with money/gold in case of emergency and she would then have me pay twice, I didn't mention any of that in my post, simply the difference in culture. My wife usually keeps about 1 baht on her and in at least two occasions sold part of it to pay for hospital expenses for family members and I would then replace the gold if I am confident that was the purpose of the expense, which I am (she shows me the exams which I send to my BIL in europe for medical advice)

from my experience, when she exchanges gold jewelry, she exchanges the bigger one for an existing smaller or different 'model' and pays a small fee 2-300 baht, 1-3%.

To return to the OP's thread, my thinking is that understanding the differences in culture is certainly helpfull in discussing and deciding how to raise kids in a multicultural environment (the gold issue if understood being one less subject of discord), and the post above by fletchsmile definitely brings sensitive ideas which I believe could be helpfull to the OP in regards to his issue.

Just sharing my experience and not pointing any fingers; I certainly accept that experiences may differ and we should share them amongst ourselves for our common benefit ;-)

[KunMatt]

I don't know how much time you guys have spent in Lao / Isaan, but I can assure you that carrying gold is still a cultural way of having money available at all times as it is carried at all times, lao/isaan representing over 25 million people.

Also, the buy/sell price difference for gold is about 100 baht (was a few years back and cannot be much more nowadays), which is less than 1% as long as gold 1 baht is above 10k THB, this is less than most of us pay when exchanging money or going to the ATM - and every market has a stall where gold can be sold / bought.

Definitely not nonsense or excuses, it's simply the way things are done there, hence the 'difference' as OP perfectly undestood and his lady confirmed as well.

It's not because we foreigners do things differently than how locals do it makes it nonsense... if one is more attentive to the local ways, better understanding will come out of it thus avoiding paranoid reactions and/or conflictual thinking...

As they say in isaan: sokdee der ;-)

Yes I lived in Isaan and I know that people would rather buy gild and leave it under the pillow than put it into a bank.

However, if you bought a 1 baht block of gold then you could possibly sell it back for a few hundred baht less. However if you buy jewelry, such as this instance, then you have to pay the makers fee of about 700 to 1k baht and then, when you sell it, a smelting fee and whatever wear weight the gold has lost, which the gold shop will over exaggerate. So I don't see how you are not apologising for some very selfish behaviour here.

So are you really saying that if your child was due an operation and you left money for said operation while you went away to make some more money for your family only to find out that the minute you left the country your wife had spent all the money you left on jewelry to show off to her friends, then when the time comes and your child needs the operation your wife comes to you asking for the money again because she has already spent the money you left with explicit instructions that it was to be used to help the child and now she cannot get back enough of the cost to pay the hospital, that you would be totally fine with this?

from my experience, when she exchanges gold jewelry, she exchanges the bigger one for an existing smaller or different 'model' and pays a small fee 2-300 baht, 1-3%.

But when you bought that gold you would have paid at least 700 baht for the manufacture of it to the gold shop, so at very best given that you lost 300 baht when selling it (which high is way less than I've ever paid when "upgrading" jewelry) then you paid 1k baht to change your cash into gold and back again, or in the case of a 1 baht of gold then approx 5.5% loss. And gold doesn't always gain in price, last year it dropped more than 30% in a few days and is still settled around that drop price.

That poster's wife was very selfish in what she did and no apologies can be made for her selfish actions.

[KunMatt]

Oh yeah, and also you would have paid another 700 baht manufacturer fee for the new gold that you are upgrading to, so there's another substantial loss from your initial outlay

Edited April 30, 2014 by KunMatt

[Beechboy]

Thanks for the input guys. I've learnt a lot.

This was a new one for me and I have to admit that my initial reaction was one of anger ie. "That money was for ...... at the hospital and you bought a f-----g gold ring? How thoroughly stupid."

The tear-fest that followed was enough for me to mellow and I won't mention it again, but I think she will have got the message.

This is clearly one of the many problems that emanate from being a father from a Thai but not being able to be there a lot of the time.

[KunMatt]

Thanks for the input guys. I've learnt a lot.

This was a new one for me and I have to admit that my initial reaction was one of anger ie. "That money was for ...... at the hospital and you bought a f-----g gold ring? How thoroughly stupid."

The tear-fest that followed was enough for me to mellow and I won't mention it again, but I think she will have got the message.

This is clearly one of the many problems that emanate from being a father from a Thai but not being able to be there a lot of the time.

But did she keep the 1 baht gold ring that she bought with the money you left for your child's hospital bill??

Basically she was gambling on your child's welfare because if he didn't get sick then she would get 18,500 baht for nothing. If he did get sick then she could've exchanged it back for slightly less cash again to cover the bill.

[ALFREDO]

I am not Don Quixote, who dared to fight against spinning Windmills and lost of course. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Quixote

So, I have given up, to influence the mighty tide here in Isaan and so, I go with the wording, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!"

I could not influence, that my 2 Thai mothers of my 3 sons, 12, 10 and 6 talk at least English with them at home, not even when I was with them!

They both put the boys in Private schools and think that will do the trick from alone.

The outcome, the boy who talks the best English is the youngest, whom I did not order by force, same him mother wanted,

even under heavy tears, to go in Kindergarten,

She chose the Private Kindergarten-school which includes the necessity, to use a school bus at 6:20 AM in the morning and come back with that bus at 5:40 PM in the late afternoon, nearly 12 hours away!!! I said, "Only if h likes to do that harsh trip with 4-5 years young!

I let him decide and so, after some weeks he decided not to go,

but instead spent a lot of hours every day together with him. But he made the necessary tests to qualify for the chosen school.

The older brother asks him for translations.

Discipline, a bit, I could achieve, but regular feeding, eating times, ect. NO!

At least the first Gf had some common sense regarding our boy who grew to a very nice one, only sorry, that I not see him often,

as the betrayals and lies, by this Ex Gf, special regarding money, to me, evolved to a war like conflict!

The second and current Gf has only time for her dice game. (High-Low)

And it needed some time until she stopped to throw rubbish just out of the first floor sleeping room windows. "Can clean later!"

Yes, after the wind and the dogs spread the "throw away" in the whole garden! OMG.

Children used the behavior from Mama for long time as an excuse for the same habit!

Alfredo.

You expect your Thai wife to speak English with your kids.

Well, you need your head read.

YES, I would think, a language all can, at least a bit speak is a foundation to communicate and also teaches the children more English.

As far as I recognize, Thais are surprised and happy when my small one with 6 is already not so bad in English and is not fearful to use it.

Edited April 30, 2014 by ALFREDO

[ALFREDO]

Alfredo.

You expect your Thai wife to speak English with your kids.

Well, you need your head read.

Silly remark.

If you would have read his post and used, not too much though, some imagination your remark would be different. Most likely he is not from an english speaking country....

YES, I am not from an English speaking country.

[ALFREDO]

So what he means is that he tried to stop the mothers speaking English with his kids? Well if so, that's excellent, but what he wrote had completely the opposite meaning.

And just to be sure, it is not recommended for non native speakers to teach a language at home of there is a native speaker around.

Why would I teach my kids Thai, and vice versa with my missus. My wife barely ever speaks english to the kids and that is just recently. I have never spoken Thai to them.

Result. Bilingual children. Simple.

=Thai at Heart=

My English is always better, than no English, my opinion and my 2 Thai mothers are just lazy to speak English with the boys, would nobody get hurt from that!

Would also be a bit courtesy regarding me, so I can follow their conversations.

Thai and Lao-Isaan is all day spoken enough with the children everywhere else.

[ALFREDO]

Ok. I will try to explain for you.

Based on reading his comment, things are not well in relation to kids and mother(s). My guess is that he is not a native speaker of the english language. Therefore i guess too that he speaks his native language to his kids. Most likely mixed with some english. In Thailand apart from thai language, english is the most important 2nd language. I assume that poster speaks english with his wife, maybe some thai 2. So therefore it is not so unreasonable for him to ask that the mother(s) of his kids, occasionally at least, speak english to the kids. This is better as well for the kids. Tri lingual kids

It is much easier for english native speakers as english is the nr 1 language in the world.

Again....i dont know if it is correct. Only my assumption.

=benalibina=

I speak mostly English with my GF and my boys and a bit Thai but never my native language, as I had no idea until now, to bring them to my home country,

to live there.

I see therefore, no reason to teach them my mother tongue.

Edited April 30, 2014 by ALFREDO

[ALFREDO]

When we were kids we were kicked out of the house at 8am and not allowed back in until we had scrapes on our knees and were covered in mud (we lived near the countryside in a not disimilar equivalent to what Roi Et would be).

OK, but that was decades ago and before a lot of "Gadgets" had been invented in our lifestyle, special acclaimed by the younger generation!

[thaibeachlovers]

When we were kids we were kicked out of the house at 8am and not allowed back in until we had scrapes on our knees and were covered in mud (we lived near the countryside in a not disimilar equivalent to what Roi Et would be).

OK, but that was decades ago and before a lot of "Gadgets" had been invented in our lifestyle, special acclaimed by the younger generation!

Part of being a parent is to raise the child, not abandon them to electronic babysitters. In the west, a whole generation of computer savvy, but obese, arrogant, lazy slobs is being raised.

[JLCrab]

I read these stories in that some -- certainly not all -- have problems rearing dual nationality kids in Thailand resulting from a Thai marriage to a non-Thai spouse. Then I wonder how people can think that Thai Visa/Immigration rules should be modified to make it more convenient for a non-Thai to marry a Thai and to rear dual nationality children.

[thaibeachlovers]

I read these stories in that some -- certainly not all -- have problems rearing dual nationality kids in Thailand resulting from a Thai marriage to a non-Thai spouse. Then I wonder how people can think that Thai Visa/Immigration rules should be modified to make it more convenient for a non-Thai to marry a Thai and to rear dual nationality children.

Perhaps a Farang/ Thai marriage licence should include a compulsory vasectomy. That would put a stop to all the problems .

[benalibina]

I read these stories in that some -- certainly not all -- have problems rearing dual nationality kids in Thailand resulting from a Thai marriage to a non-Thai spouse. Then I wonder how people can think that Thai Visa/Immigration rules should be modified to make it more convenient for a non-Thai to marry a Thai and to rear dual nationality children.

Visa/immigrationrules have nothing to do with actually raising children here. So people who think it will....well.....

[JLCrab]

Visa and Immigration policy reflect Thai social policy. Social policy in Thailand tolerates Thai to non-Thai marriages; do not expect to see changes in Visa and Immigration policy that might tend to encourage such marriages or having out-of-wedlock children.

Edited May 1, 2014 by JLCrab

[ALFREDO]

I read these stories in that some -- certainly not all -- have problems rearing dual nationality kids in Thailand resulting from a Thai marriage to a non-Thai spouse. Then I wonder how people can think that Thai Visa/Immigration rules should be modified to make it more convenient for a non-Thai to marry a Thai and to rear dual nationality children.

Perhaps a Farang/ Thai marriage licence should include a compulsory vasectomy. That would put a stop to all the problems .

That is for sure not, what the Thai women want! (Vasectomy)

Edited May 1, 2014 by ALFREDO

[JLCrab]

I like the term 'unplanned pregnancy' meaning: He didn't plan on it; she did.

[cup-O-coffee]

Hire a nanny to be a pseudo you and to impart what you want

Set the MAC address of the ipad to certain on and off times through your modem. Set a modem password so she or a repair man can't change it.

Don't let the kid get away with crappy behavior when you are around. Correct them when they go astray of your morals, ethics and standards.

I understand your plight. Not enough time, and we are getting older and simply do not have enough energy to tackle other people's responsibilities (responsibilities which I find I lay on them due to my perception of women and child rearing in the USA from the 60's and 70's); yet I have found that, generally speaking, the Thai culture is useless when it comes to developing a value-added human for a future society.

There is so much more that you can do, but at the end of the day, the odds are stacked against you regarding what you think you want your child to turn out to be, or what kind of skills and the degree of development you think you want your child to have.

The only good thing you can do (and this is my view with my situation) is to give the child a contrast / comparison so he or she grows up knowing your standards and their standards, and simply hope he or she chooses the former set of standards.

Good luck, and you are not insane; moreover you are a good father, and I think some of that will definitely rub off on your kid/s.

[thaibeachlovers]

I read these stories in that some -- certainly not all -- have problems rearing dual nationality kids in Thailand resulting from a Thai marriage to a non-Thai spouse. Then I wonder how people can think that Thai Visa/Immigration rules should be modified to make it more convenient for a non-Thai to marry a Thai and to rear dual nationality children.

Perhaps a Farang/ Thai marriage licence should include a compulsory vasectomy. That would put a stop to all the problems .

That is for sure not, what the Thai women want! (Vasectomy)

True. Once the farang husband has impregnated her, the chance that he will walk away decreases significantly.

[benalibina]

I read these stories in that some -- certainly not all -- have problems rearing dual nationality kids in Thailand resulting from a Thai marriage to a non-Thai spouse. Then I wonder how people can think that Thai Visa/Immigration rules should be modified to make it more convenient for a non-Thai to marry a Thai and to rear dual nationality children.

Perhaps a Farang/ Thai marriage licence should include a compulsory vasectomy. That would put a stop to all the problems .

That is for sure not, what the Thai women want! (Vasectomy)

True. Once the farang husband has impregnated her, the chance that he will walk away decreases significantly.

Husband ?? Only after the facts usually.....hardly before.....the rest....i concur....been there done that.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

When we were kids we were kicked out of the house at 8am and not allowed back in until we had scrapes on our knees and were covered in mud (we lived near the countryside in a not disimilar equivalent to what Roi Et would be).

OK, but that was decades ago and before a lot of "Gadgets" had been invented in our lifestyle, special acclaimed by the younger generation!

Part of being a parent is to raise the child, not abandon them to electronic babysitters. In the west, a whole generation of computer savvy, but obese, arrogant, lazy slobs is being raised.

Men being involved with their childrens' upbringing is a new and novel idea.

Too busy working, away at sea or at war, etc.

Poor rural farmers have traditionally always been the men that associated most with their children, mainly because all hands were needed with the farm.

Edited May 1, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[harryfrompattaya]

Not trying to be funny but what exactly are you contributing to your children's up bringing ? Sounds to me like your leaving all this to the wife and relatives and not contributing anything

Breadwinner. As in most families any where in the world I am working 8 to 6pm to get the money to feed my family, provide for the future and educate my children.

Yes of course I am leaving the bulk of it to the wife...by necessity....as is done almost everywhere in the world (not just Thailand).

Please understand hid ID is Thai and lives in Thailand he shall be Thai. Nothing you can do as long as he lives in Thailand

[buhi]

Interesting thread.

Do we know where the family in question live?

Lots of replies from Issan related fathers.

I know nothing of Upcountry, only Bangkok and from reading this, there is obviously a great difference.

[rayongchelsea]

Interesting thread.

Do we know where the family in question live?

Lots of replies from Issan related fathers.

I know nothing of Upcountry, only Bangkok and from reading this, there is obviously a great difference.

Agreed, nearly all these threads are basically about marrying upcountry poorly educated women, many of these available women are from isaan..

A lot ( on this thread) seem to be unstable, gamblers, drinkers, wanting houses..etc..

On another thread they are discussing if there are more mongers in Singapore than here..the mind boggles..another Classic was about cleaning the house, another my wife is older than me,horrendous one about 15 years getting pregnant..

What has happened to Thailand over the last 15 years..it use to be a place " live and let live", now we get neurotic foreigners not liking to be called farang..seriously the place is going down hill and Thai visa with it.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[khunpa]

I have a Thai girlfriend and we have a 3 month old son together. Before my girlfriend was working a lot, but we decided she should stop and now she stays at home full time with our son. I work from home, so I am also constantly around.

Honestly, I can not recognize the "Thai-style" you are talking about. My girlfriend is constantly in motion during the day and takes care of our son in all aspects. She plays with him, feeds him, go for walks with him and at the same time takes care of all the house work (I do mostly all cooking). Having children from an early marriage, I can only say that I see Thai-women as perfect mothers. I was actually quite surprised of this, because my girlfriend does not have a high education. She however has a huge amount of common sense and ability to put her own needs aside. All her energy is focused on our child and our family.

The fact that your wife leaves the kid hungry and that she just sits watching TV is not something I can recognize at all. If I were you, I would try to stay home some more and try to help her. But I really do not see any "Thai-style" upbringing in our home. I actually see more awareness and energy put into it than I have seen earlier in my home country.

[buhi]

Interesting thread.

Do we know where the family in question live?

Lots of replies from Issan related fathers.

I know nothing of Upcountry, only Bangkok and from reading this, there is obviously a great difference.

Agreed, nearly all these threads are basically about marrying upcountry poorly educated women, many of these available women are from isaan..

A lot ( on this thread) seem to be unstable, gamblers, drinkers, wanting houses..etc..

On another thread they are discussing if there are more mongers in Singapore than here..the mind boggles..another Classic was about cleaning the house, another my wife is older than me,horrendous one about 15 years getting pregnant..

What has happened to Thailand over the last 15 years..it use to be a place " live and let live", now we get neurotic foreigners not liking to be called farang..seriously the place is going down hill and Thai visa with it.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

I have been here longer, is that one up manship?

I have a child, but we were married seven years before.

To provide for a child ( money), is easy in Bangkok and in Bangkok, well at least my family, respect me as much as I respect them.

[choochoo]

Not trying to be funny but what exactly are you contributing to your children's up bringing ? Sounds to me like your leaving all this to the wife and relatives and not contributing anything

guys realy dont think it thru! feel so sorry for the kids. its not the kids fault parents are NO GOOD!