Raising Our Kids Thai Style Is Driving Me Insane

[nottocus]

You say she is a great mother and then you proceed to hassle her.

[TexasRanger]

Surely people can see where the op is coming from though.

[transam]

Surely people can see where the op is coming from though.

For sure, my wifes son is near 19, just finished (paid) high school and wants to get in a military school, now been rejected by the Air Force, Army and Navy. So what is he doing, laying in bed or on the sofa asleep all day. I say to Mrs.Trans, get him to do something around the house, cut the grass, wash my truck. She says she asks him too but he doesn't want to do anything, Sooooooooo, I give a "little" verbal as to why he isn't out looking for work, to be told I am wrong.

Like I said earlier, keep out of stuff cos Thais really do look at stuff in a very different way to where I come from, sadly.

[enuff said]

.

The Thai way of raising kids is based on village life. In the village there are activities, social structure, other groups of children all different ages.

Living in a condo is a big difference.

~

[marko kok prong]

Surely people can see where the op is coming from though.

For sure, my wifes son is near 19, just finished (paid) high school and wants to get in a military school, now been rejected by the Air Force, Army and Navy. So what is he doing, laying in bed or on the sofa asleep all day. I say to Mrs.Trans, get him to do something around the house, cut the grass, wash my truck. She says she asks him too but he doesn't want to do anything, Sooooooooo, I give a "little" verbal as to why he isn't out looking for work, to be told I am wrong.

Like I said earlier, keep out of stuff cos Thais really do look at stuff in a very different way to where I come from, sadly.

I know were Transam is coming from,i stated in another subject that Thai mothers seem to think their sons can do no wrong,i have only once seen my wife really tell off my stepson 11 years,while the stepdaugher 16,seems to kop it all the time,it is very difficult i find with step children as they are not yours,so i personally find disciplining them difficult,i have 4 kids of my own in Australia so i know the difference,i agree the op is probably better just trying to go with the flow,i have found trying to get falang ideas across about most things is like flogging a dead horse,one other thing i do think 2 is a little young to send the boy to daycare,all my kids went to preschool but not until they were 4,and then only for 2 days a week,because we could not afford more, and that was enough for them,as next year they started primary school

[Alwyn]

That's outrageous! The nerve of it, your Thai wife and her Thai mum bringing up a Thai child the Thai way in Thailand! Just how out of order does it get? and all while you're not there to show them how to correctly bring up a child the non-Thai way too! No wonder you're upset, I would be too. I'd expect my Thai wife to bring up a child the English way - even though she's never been there and has no idea of the way we bring children up - except "NO!! don't do it that way"

Mate, what is wrong with you? You're in Thailand with a Thai family now. Have you made a nursery in your house like Mary Poppins would have or have you done absolutely nothing except moan?

[irlguy1]

I am a working dad but I still make time for my kids. Yes I am the breadwinner but to have that ancient Neanderthal opinion that the wife takes care of the kids is your first and biggest mistake. My eldest(4yr old) has at least 30 minutes with me after work no matter how tired I am. We play or talk about what she did today and then we put her to bed and I read her a story. She loves the fairy tales and it gets her excited about going to bed. She gets a quota every day of iPhone games or tv and when that's done she gets Lego or other items that work her brain.

No way we would let her be a couch potatoe. My wife is a typical Thai that loves her tv and iPhone but she knows the kids come first. Our newborn will be brought up the same way.

It's not easy believe me there are tantrums at times when tv has to go off but that's the nature of being a family.

If your mother in law is making things difficult then tell your wife to step in. Good luck

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is an excellent post, but it is highly unlikely that your wife will take your side over her mothers.

Mine did

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[asiamaster]

Good thing we have daughters (now in college) as if we would have had a look kreung boy I would have had a lot more problems if he would have been raised the Thai style...

But even so I had to step in once in a while.

1) We had a cousin staying with us who doubled as a maid and nanny. She was constantly running after the kids with a spoon and plate to feed them. No more of that -sit at the table and learn to eat your food by yourself. Whenever they were thirsty the would just call "Pee Tip hiw nahm". No more of that -get your own water to drink.

2) When they started (bi-lingual) kindergarten I noticed that they refused to go to bed at 7 or 8 pm and were noisily running around the house whereas I wanted to relax, chat with friends or watch a movie at that time of day. I found out that they were made to have a 1 hour nap at school after the lunch break. No more of that -let them play instead.

3) When they came back from a holiday trip to the in-laws they were scared to sleep alone (even though they slept together) and starting talking about "phee" ghosts. No more of that and if this nonsense continued they would not be allowed to go to the village anymore.

Over the years I have explained the differences between the two cultures to them - as a result they embraced the best of both words and are comfortable with both Thai and Farang environments.

My father who was also an expat in Asia always taught me to be like a chameleon. Change colour when needed - blend in -but for yourself find and maintain a health balance.

[mikemac]

If I had 1000 baht and gave it to Lady Pla she would buy 3 or 4 ice creams for the kids that were around,she would by me a 100 baht shirt I do not want another shirt I have got more shirts than the shirt factory.She would buy something for Granma,she would buy some make up for her self she would have plenty left and she would be straight off to that shop and spend the rest on Baby Eye that just how they are let them go or the will do your head in

I believe we are related by marriage, because I am sure I am married to your wife's sister.

To the op - listen to all the advice you are given here, especially the bit about not being able to change your wife's way of thinking, it will do your head in. Your only way out is to have more input into your kids' upbringing which means being there. I am going through the same thing at the moment, working away and wishing I was home to help raise my son. Good luck mate.

[RayHaas]

The three solutions I can think of are:

1) have more input - spend weekends with your son, do activities, write daily schedules, get involved.

2) ask the mother to take the son to childcare centers for structure - Bambi is very popular in Bangkok, they organize songs, games, play sessions, all very structured and controlled, just google them.

3) International schools cater for kids as young as 2 - send your son there for the activities and structure you think he's missing. He'll have set meal times, nap times, play times etc which you think he needs.

Thanks for this.

Options 2 and or 3 are EXACTLY what I am thinking. He just turned 2 yesterday and whilst i think this is too young I do feel it is far better than what is happening at home and what he needs is structure and routines in his day. He loves other kids and playing and so I am thinking this is the perfect solution.

Mother is not so keen on doing it so young (I see her point) but I will definietly put my foot down and insist. It seems the best solution when all things are considered.

Thanks again for the suggestion.

Yeah, was in a simular situation. At 2 she went off to day care and all changed. Mom went back to work, kid in day care and all gucci.

[NoshowJones]

I am a working dad but I still make time for my kids. Yes I am the breadwinner but to have that ancient Neanderthal opinion that the wife takes care of the kids is your first and biggest mistake. My eldest(4yr old) has at least 30 minutes with me after work no matter how tired I am. We play or talk about what she did today and then we put her to bed and I read her a story. She loves the fairy tales and it gets her excited about going to bed. She gets a quota every day of iPhone games or tv and when that's done she gets Lego or other items that work her brain.

No way we would let her be a couch potatoe. My wife is a typical Thai that loves her tv and iPhone but she knows the kids come first. Our newborn will be brought up the same way.

It's not easy believe me there are tantrums at times when tv has to go off but that's the nature of being a family.

If your mother in law is making things difficult then tell your wife to step in. Good luck

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is an excellent post, but it is highly unlikely that your wife will take your side over her mothers.

Mine did

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Tell us about it.

[forumuser10]

Tell your wife to get her lazy ass off the couch and go out and earn some money so you can work less, and be more involved with the upbringing of your kids.

[shrimpythailand]

OP - your son is 2 years old...yes daily walks around the house and etc are good...but 2 years old... not old enough to really know what is happening yet... ok send him off to school - but better to be able to see him at home you can send him off the preschool at 3-4-5 yrs old...

[stephen tracy]

I've always thought Thai kids seem much happier than their Western counterparts...

[transam]

I've always thought Thai kids seem much happier than their Western counterparts...

Only the ones with farang cash from mum...............

[sailblue]

My boy is nearly five and some similarities.

He is on the TV and tablet with his superhero's and games more than I like but they all are around the world. I take him to swim, teaching him to swim etc. My girl would never take him for a swim ( she can not swim ) mainly due to dislike for sun. I take him out as much as possible. He is superactive and fit, he plays with all the local kids non-stop. She sits talking with the locals in the estate for hours while he plays.

She also spends time on his schooling, I have set up a board with times tables on it so he will not need a calculator to add up 4 and 4.

Like you he eats Asian style, when hungry. He stays out with her till 10 pm or more ( school holidays ). I am sure at five I would have been in bed at 8 pm, but that was a long time ago.

He is only two, just as he gets more active get involved taeching him sports, set up basketball nets etc. He will sleep because he will be tired.

My kid also plays with mainly older kids which I think is good for his character and language skills.

[cooked]

One thing I found out when raising my own kids was that if both parents can't present a united front, there will be problems. We have a grandchild with us now and she has really opened up in the year that we have her. We work together with her but we are both retired.

[JournalistsAreLiars]

A bit late to understand...

[MobileContent]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

Not trying to be funny but what exactly are you contributing to your children's up bringing ? Sounds to me like your leaving all this to the wife and relatives and not contributing anything

Breadwinner. As in most families any where in the world I am working 8 to 6pm to get the money to feed my family, provide for the future and educate my children.

Yes of course I am leaving the bulk of it to the wife...by necessity....as is done almost everywhere in the world (not just Thailand).

I am too the breadwinner so as long I go for my weekly trips to Bangkok for 2 days maximum and work from morning 7am until 7pm on the revenue stream I let my wife take care even if I can't always agree with her, her MIL or FIL.

As far as I can say I only contribute money to the raising of our little family and I see my wife occupied with our 16 months old boy from 6am to 9pm every day.

I take care of my boy as much as I can when I am free and he loves iPad, iPhone and IMac and his electric car but I got to be honest I am an IT guy and let my wife take care of our boy even if I disagree many time. If I have a farang wife I guess half of my time would be allocated to my baby boy but thanks god I have a Thai wife who gives me all the time to develop our business.

She does a great job but we decided one kid is enough so I want to get her in our business involved which makes her easy 80-90k a month, once we send the baby to the international school. I am 48 and my wife is in the early 20's, so my priority is making and saving for the next 2 years as much money we can make and let the international school figure out how to get our boy on track for the future.

[benalibina]

Children need love, not structure.

Your wife and MIL are going a good job, from what I read.

Thailand is a great place for kids to grow up, much more freedom and less fear.

Much more freedom and less fear, utter nonsense..... it is not my personal experience. I guess you are not a parent yourself.

They are very much controlled and supervised. The elders dont trust anybody else except themselves.

As they know there are many crazy people they are very protective of the kids. All is correct what you wrote if they only stay within the confines and surroundings of the family in the village.

Of what i experienced, young kids at school dont play with each other, ie going to other kids houses, after schoolhours.

This does not help the development of children.

Edited April 27, 2014 by benalibina

[MobileContent]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

You say in the first paragraph that your wife "is a lovely girl and a great mother".

Leave it to her. You mention that she worked in the Head Office, is this relevant to working in a branch? Whether she was a cleaner or an accountant is irrelevant to being a good mother. Intelligence, job, level of society etc don't make a good mother.

Communication is the main issue with my wife in bringing up our kids.

Fair, firm and consistent.

My wife wants to do things the way that she knows(how she was brought up) and I the same.

Some things I didn't like, like chilis in the mouth as a deterrent' or 'the knitting needle across the legs'. Similar to parents of my parents' age. We have the added benefit of child psycholgy in our countries so remember that Thailand is behind in this area.
Some things I did not allow to continue - "what you allow, you condone".
On the other hand, I'm a lazy, selfish **** and ideally would have spent more time with the kids.
A word of warning - don't talk to your kids about the Thai way as being inferior. This will instill a feeling of not being whole in your kids. I've seen a friend's kids turn out to have sever psychological issues. The father didn't allow Thai language in the home, talked about Thais being inferior etc. Your kids are half Thai and they should be proud of this.

Can you really see a big difference in 2 year old kids from your country an Thailand?

I bet your mother is filling your head with what is right.

Talk with your wife and work as a team. Forget International nursery and all that bs. I've seen kids go down that route and end up total wasters with drug, alcohol, and psycological problems.

Love is all you need and they will end up fine. If you push them to be a brain surgeon, they might just rebel.

I couldn't say it better. +1

[dotpoom]

Just wondering what else can you expect If you are out at work all day. You're son's Mother is Thai., your wife's Mother is Thai...how can you expect your son to be reared in any manner other than in the Thai way.....If your wife was American...and her Mother was an American.....your son would be reared the American way....only logical...is it not?

[mama falang]

A tricky situation....I am the western mother of a half Thai son with another on the way... And I must say despite my knowledge and background in the field of education I have also been guilty of to much tv/ technology time over the past few months. Our son is two and a half and I have another bub on the way....and I'm exhausted! I definitely think the best place for your boy is at home with family. A few structured activities a week would definitely be good for his social interactions and may help your wife to make some friends, I'm sure she would like to have something on aswell.... Staying at home can be mind numbingly boring...maybe if u could sneak a few mornings in at home and do a couple of trial classes... Swimming lessons would be great! We have a relatively flexible routine and there are some occasions where he is up till 10pm... I would be very cautious of how you approach the subject with your wife... You need to let her know that she is a fantastic mother and that u appreciate all she does at home before suggesting any improvements!!! Then I would go on to say that u would like to have some more playtime with your son when your home from work so please could she not let him sleep past 3pm...etc... The joys of cross cultural parenting hey! I'm so laid back and into encouraging independence and my husband (also a chronic tv/phone addict!) is such a stress head and won't let my son make a peep or get dirty...he often says it's my job to raise our son and to do it the western way... Because it's better, I'm always very quick to remind him neither is better, just different, you just have to choose what elements work for you as a couple and be prepared to compromise! Good luck! Check out mama falang on Facebook some good bilingual resources

[Toscano]

I'm not sure where you live , but maybe it is Roi Et , which is a nice little town and must have infant schools .

My wife is head teacher of an infant school , they take children from age two to five years .

The children are given some proper teaching , their day is programmed , good exercise , dancing , they get a good lunch , milk , have a good rest period , are bathed and powdered before going home .

At five years old they are socially and educationally adapted to go to a junior school . The infant school goes a long way to make up for disorderly family life . It also gives mother's a break .

I am English , my wife and I are grandparents , my wife's son is away from home and his wife works for Panasonic , one week nights and the other days . We get to do a lot of looking after children who are not domestically trained , they are intelligent , the 6yr old daughter reads and writes and has surprising computer skills . My wife's ex husband is marvellous with them , talks to them all the time , even the three yr old has amazing conversational skill .

[swissie]

I've always thought Thai kids seem much happier than their Western counterparts...

So true. By the time the males reach adulthood they will be pumping gas at the station during daytime and pumping 15 year old females during the night.

The females will remain on the rice-field or serve drinks to Farangs. None of the two categories strike me as happy-people in their adult life.

IMO the result of a childhood without discipline, sense of responsibility etc etc etc etc etc. Never mind, let them grow up happy!

Good luck, Thailand, especially in a globalized world where nobody has any use for "Thainess", except the feudalistic ruling class (consisting of 50 family-clans), that are desperately trying to re-gain political power.

Cheers.

[Robby nz]

Find out what the kids favorite games on the I-pad are, what TV kids programs he like and buy some books with the same heroes.

Drip feed them to him, one every so often, once he has tired of one give another and read them with him after work and on weekends, also coloring books and pencils, same theme.

Talk to him in English, let Mrs and MIL do Thai and make sure he becomes bi-lingual.

Relax and whatever you do dont start arguments about it with the tender gender, will only make things worse.

[nithisa78]

Not trying to be funny but what exactly are you contributing to your children's up bringing ? Sounds to me like your leaving all this to the wife and relatives and not contributing anything

Agreed. Though he is bread winner and is worried too much. In our part of Roi et it is called being, old lady. Relax and enjoy your life and love. Nothing was said that sounded uncivilized on the part of the Mum. Knowledge is much greater than opinion. You love your son, have faith in the creator that brought him here.

[canuckamuck]

If you are not in the OP's situation it will be easy for you to say it's his fault. Truth is, if you did a survey in this country about the definition of parenting, you would be shocked by the difference between Thais and the west. I would go as far to say that parenting, as a concept, does not even exist here (at least among the masses) beyond the idea of meeting basic needs and getting the kids into the system. Sure there will be exceptions, but the amount of times I have seen people turn everyday events into learning experiences here, I could count on one hand. Always the path of least resistance is chosen. If the OP's missus is not on the same page with him on this, he has years of frustration coming up. The best thing to do is to get her out west to spend a little time with western moms and kids. Sure the moms are paranoid and obsessive, but a lot of those kids are absolutely brilliant.

[benalibina]

If you are not in the OP's situation it will be easy for you to say it's his fault. Truth is, if you did a survey in this country about the definition of parenting, you would be shocked by the difference between Thais and the west. I would go as far to say that parenting, as a concept, does not even exist here (at least among the masses) beyond the idea of meeting basic needs and getting the kids into the system. Sure there will be exceptions, but the amount of times I have seen people turn everyday events into learning experiences here, I could count on one hand. Always the path of least resistance is chosen. If the OP's missus is not on the same page with him on this, he has years of frustration coming up. The best thing to do is to get her out west to spend a little time with western moms and kids. Sure the moms are paranoid and obsessive, but a lot of those kids are absolutely brilliant.

I concur.

[bowerboy]

Children need love, not structure.

Your wife and MIL are going a good job, from what I read.

Thailand is a great place for kids to grow up, much more freedom and less fear.

Much more freedom and less fear, utter nonsense..... it is not my personal experience. I guess you are not a parent yourself.

They are very much controlled and supervised. The elders dont trust anybody else except themselves.

As they know there are many crazy people they are very protective of the kids. All is correct what you wrote if they only stay within the confines and surroundings of the family in the village.

Of what i experienced, young kids at school dont play with each other, ie going to other kids houses, after schoolhours.

This does not help the development of children.

Yes I do agree 100% with this...i think your summary is perfect and couldnt add anything to it.