Raising Our Kids Thai Style Is Driving Me Insane

[benalibina]

I have a Thai girlfriend and we have a 3 month old son together. Before my girlfriend was working a lot, but we decided she should stop and now she stays at home full time with our son. I work from home, so I am also constantly around.

Honestly, I can not recognize the "Thai-style" you are talking about. My girlfriend is constantly in motion during the day and takes care of our son in all aspects. She plays with him, feeds him, go for walks with him and at the same time takes care of all the house work (I do mostly all cooking). Having children from an early marriage, I can only say that I see Thai-women as perfect mothers. I was actually quite surprised of this, because my girlfriend does not have a high education. She however has a huge amount of common sense and ability to put her own needs aside. All her energy is focused on our child and our family.

The fact that your wife leaves the kid hungry and that she just sits watching TV is not something I can recognize at all. If I were you, I would try to stay home some more and try to help her. But I really do not see any "Thai-style" upbringing in our home. I actually see more awareness and energy put into it than I have seen earlier in my home country.

This topic is about raising not nurturing. Many good comments made on this thread regarding that.

[rayongchelsea]

Interesting thread.

Do we know where the family in question live?

Lots of replies from Issan related fathers.

I know nothing of Upcountry, only Bangkok and from reading this, there is obviously a great difference.

Agreed, nearly all these threads are basically about marrying upcountry poorly educated women, many of these available women are from isaan..

A lot ( on this thread) seem to be unstable, gamblers, drinkers, wanting houses..etc..

On another thread they are discussing if there are more mongers in Singapore than here..the mind boggles..another Classic was about cleaning the house, another my wife is older than me,horrendous one about 15 years getting pregnant..

What has happened to Thailand over the last 15 years..it use to be a place " live and let live", now we get neurotic foreigners not liking to be called farang..seriously the place is going down hill and Thai visa with it.

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I have been here longer, is that one up manship?

I have a child, but we were married seven years before.

To provide for a child ( money), is easy in Bangkok and in Bangkok, well at least my family, respect me as much as I respect them.

I was commenting about what is stated on this thread..does it reflect life in general maybe, maybe not..

I wasn't trying any one upmanship..I quoted 15 years ( not how long I have lived here, which is way longer) as that is roughly when the Asia crisis effect came and with it mass tourism, mass retirees, Internet etc..

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[buhi]

Interesting thread.

Do we know where the family in question live?

Lots of replies from Issan related fathers.

I know nothing of Upcountry, only Bangkok and from reading this, there is obviously a great difference.

Agreed, nearly all these threads are basically about marrying upcountry poorly educated women, many of these available women are from isaan..

A lot ( on this thread) seem to be unstable, gamblers, drinkers, wanting houses..etc..

On another thread they are discussing if there are more mongers in Singapore than here..the mind boggles..another Classic was about cleaning the house, another my wife is older than me,horrendous one about 15 years getting pregnant..

What has happened to Thailand over the last 15 years..it use to be a place " live and let live", now we get neurotic foreigners not liking to be called farang..seriously the place is going down hill and Thai visa with it.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

I have been here longer, is that one up manship?

I have a child, but we were married seven years before.

To provide for a child ( money), is easy in Bangkok and in Bangkok, well at least my family, respect me as much as I respect them.

I was commenting about what is stated on this thread..does it reflect life in general maybe, maybe not..

I wasn't trying any one upmanship..I quoted 15 years ( not how long I have lived here, which is way longer) as that is roughly when the Asia crisis effect came and with it mass tourism, mass retirees, Internet etc..

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

I agree, no problem!

[Sandman77]

I think here is not possible to change

The thaistyle!

Only when a Thai wife was working long time outside Thailand in Europe or where ever , she let the husband controll the style when move over to Thailand !

Don't waste your energy , it will not solve the problem!

Thais thinking I read many time on dating sites you have do accept thaiculture!

But our culture will be ignored !

Maybe only diplomacy can help!

I think Iam patient,but when both size are stolid,everyone knows what can happen !

The conduct disorder of the thaipartner reflects the daily love move soap opera!watched everyday from childhood!

It's manifested in there brain, no matter what farang say!

Sadly to keep the relationship active

We have to follow a traveler book advice

It says!, when you come to another country you have to follow the rules of this country you stay!

Iam not sure talk , Thai traveler books about Europe the same!

My wife also not accept another style when she Is in my country!

[bowerboy]

I guess what annoys me is the lack of common sense...I would think (and had hoped) that my wife had the common sense to look at me (obviously I dont mean just me and my wife but any people in that situation) and think "hmm here is a guy that can live anywhere in the world, earns 10 times more than most Thais in the same position, can afford to pay for this very nice house and great holidays anywhere in the world, doesnt need a visa to go most places, has access to great and free education in his home country etc etc" and think "Hmmm, they must be doing something right, maybe we should do it his way".

There is a lesson in all this though: Be careful what you wish for!

I wanted a "traditional" Thai girl from a nice family and someone that was not a "farang hunter". Most of the families I have seen where the woman really embraces and adopts the Western Way are with women from a background where they were not employed when they met (maybe not working girls per se but lets say for example they met at Spassos or something along those lines).

Its all pro's and cons I guess....on the one hand I will never complain about gold digging etc etc but at the same time she is not eager to embrace the Western way.

[bowerboy]

For the record my demeanour is happy, my staff at work really like me (reflected in the hugely decreased turnover since I started 2 years ago and the large increase in revenues) and my family relationships are very good. I am 43 and 181cms tall and 78kgs and run every day and I am teetotal.

What I am saying is (and I am preempting here) is that she is not looking at me and thinking "he may have all those things going for him but he is fat, miserable and unhappy" so please dont go down that road

Just sayin No offense intended.

[kannot]

I have a Thai girlfriend and we have a 3 month old son together. Before my girlfriend was working a lot, but we decided she should stop and now she stays at home full time with our son. I work from home, so I am also constantly around.

Honestly, I can not recognize the "Thai-style" you are talking about. My girlfriend is constantly in motion during the day and takes care of our son in all aspects. She plays with him, feeds him, go for walks with him and at the same time takes care of all the house work (I do mostly all cooking). Having children from an early marriage, I can only say that I see Thai-women as perfect mothers. I was actually quite surprised of this, because my girlfriend does not have a high education. She however has a huge amount of common sense and ability to put her own needs aside. All her energy is focused on our child and our family.

The fact that your wife leaves the kid hungry and that she just sits watching TV is not something I can recognize at all. If I were you, I would try to stay home some more and try to help her. But I really do not see any "Thai-style" upbringing in our home. I actually see more awareness and energy put into it than I have seen earlier in my home country.

Its like a new puppy, the novelty will soon wear off then the kid can be dumped in front of a tv or le t loose in a supermarket to run round screaming etc, later age 4 and upwards it can wander outside your house into the road whilst the grandparents look on, later still at 8-10 it can drive a motorbike..into the ground after you have funded it, soon it will be on the beer....but thats enough of the positives Ill let TV tell you the rest

[Rupert2]

at 2 years old = sleep love and food.

i use youtube , netflix and hulu - and as a babysitter too - maybe i can have a nap.

mine are 5 and 7 - burirum wife - live in hawaii now. i think many are educated via thai soap opra .

anyway - the computer with high speed internet opens a would of education.

teaching english is priority - speaking comes first.

[kannot]

at 2 years old = sleep love and food.

i use youtube , netflix and hulu - and as a babysitter too - maybe i can have a nap.

mine are 5 and 7 - burirum wife - live in hawaii now. i think many are educated via thai soap opra .

anyway - the computer with high speed internet opens a would of education.

teaching english is priority - speaking comes first.

Bluddy hell Groundhog day.....Bluddy hell groundhog day.... Bluddy hell groundhog day

[raybal5]

From what you have written, if Thai's could be blonde - she would be one.

[hopdafru]

You say in the first paragraph that your wife "is a lovely girl and a great mother".

Leave it to her. You mention that she worked in the Head Office, is this relevant to working in a branch? Whether she was a cleaner or an accountant is irrelevant to being a good mother. Intelligence, job, level of society etc don't make a good mother.

Communication is the main issue with my wife in bringing up our kids.

Fair, firm and consistent.

My wife wants to do things the way that she knows(how she was brought up) and I the same.

Some things I didn't like, like chilis in the mouth as a deterrent' or 'the knitting needle across the legs'. Similar to parents of my parents' age. We have the added benefit of child psycholgy in our countries so remember that Thailand is behind in this area.

Some things I did not allow to continue - "what you allow, you condone".

On the other hand, I'm a lazy, selfish **** and ideally would have spent more time with the kids.

A word of warning - don't talk to your kids about the Thai way as being inferior. This will instill a feeling of not being whole in your kids. I've seen a friend's kids turn out to have sever psychological issues. The father didn't allow Thai language in the home, talked about Thais being inferior etc. Your kids are half Thai and they should be proud of this.

Can you really see a big difference in 2 year old kids from your country an Thailand?

I bet your mother is filling your head with what is right.

Talk with your wife and work as a team. Forget International nursery and all that bs. I've seen kids go down that route and end up total wasters with drug, alcohol, and psycological problems.

Love is all you need and they will end up fine. If you push them to be a brain surgeon, they might just rebel.

Really well said; i'm currently visiting family in paris and nephews/nieces live in stress and the teenagers are dealing with addictions and drugs although parents have highly 'respected' jobs and education.

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[Tacho De Lao]

Thanks for the thoughts guys...I am defnitely going to aim for the pre school starting in May...at the end of the day if we cant provide some semblance of structure then school is a good foundation block to start from.

As for the coming home from work and spending time with our Son it is that part that is driving me insane. I love spending time with him and the time we spend together on the weekend is really the only time he gets out of the house. But when I get home at 6;30 what I would like to happen is that I spend quality focused time with him and what I see as mormal back in the west (and what I would like) is something like this:

6:30 - Play time together.

7:15 bath and story time

8pm sleep

8pm to 10:30 relax with wife and unwind

What hapens due to lack of structure is that I get home and 6;30 and he is running around or feeding or playing or bathing or sleeping (yes he sometimes doesnt even wake up from afternoon nap until 6:30pm) it is anyones guess. Then it is basically chaos for the rest of the evening until 10pm at which point he may or may not sleep and because he is now so used to sleeping with us that he wont sleep unless we are in the bed with him! So basically due to lack of structure and poor parenting I have no time to relax and unwind (or my wife either). EVERYONE I know in the UK does it the right way so the kid has discipline and also so they have a routine and time for themselves.

I fear my wife (as is common here) just takes the easy way out without being able to think of the future and possible consequences. Give him the ipad now, or let him sleep for 4 hours, or chase him around with food to save 5 minutes of pain without any possible way of conceiving of the idea that the 5 minutes less pain causes 4 hours of pain later!!

Anyway, many thanks for the comments and he is starting school on 12th May...

I COMPLETELY understand as I think you just said exactly what has happened(happens) to me, except I don't go away for work but still get home at 6 most nights after leaving at 7am. Here is as Americans say, "my two cents". First I would say some of the responders are focusing on your "lack of" taking part in the parenting and less on what I thought was your main point which is her parenting skills. It is easier for people to say you aren't doing something. Maybe they have been in Thailand too long and have adopted the nothing is wrong with what any Thai does attitude. Anyway, I would say they are wrong and right as my experience tells me some of the other posters have good ideas as well. Second YES put your foot down for this very reason. My wife was/is the exact same way. The electronic stuff must go NOW. I suspect you are right in thinking that because she is sitting around doing nothing except the basics all day, you child is not getting enough interaction. This interaction is where structure and most importantly LANGUAGE acquisition comes from. My son is still in the process of being able to speak because his mom while being very loving, didn't spend time doing things the typical mom will do, escpecially verbal interaction. He is much more active and yes also doesn't sleep till 10. But most importantly his ability to socialize has been hampered and attention span as he started playing games on mommy's iPad and phone and that led to me coming down in the mornings or home in the evening to find them both on their respective electronic devices.(He is 5 now) Yes school will help. We only started our son last year but there has been improvement. Your proposed schedule is EXACTLY what I do. All my time is with him once I get home including reading to him which thankfully he enjoys and is now able to read, They are right, she probably won't change so getting him and school and taking away the electronic things and buying her books in Thai to read to your kid is what you need to do. I've seen a big improvement in the last 3 months since I said no more electronic gadgets for him at all or the wife if he is at home. I no longer even use the computer unless he is asleep. Although are wives are good, loving girls the Thai non-structure way I think is why we see some of the spoiled pu chai actions and you only have to look at their "leaders" on both sides to see what a non structured up bringing will get you. But that is a different topic for a different day. Put the foot down, explain your reasons, and spend all the time you can with him/her when you aren't at work. I'm a bit tired, sorry if I seemed to ramble on a bit. Take care

[glegolo]

Not sure really, we have 2 kids and do not have the issue you have and our kids are turning out fine...we/I did not intentionally try to raise them western or eastern, we just raised them with what seemed logical at the time...eat when hungry, sleep when tired etc....they developed their own routines and slipped into a normal life.

As for ipads and stuff....just have a word with her about establishing such bad habits at such a young age....ours did not get them until last year, aged 8 and 11.....so good grounding in normality I think/hope.

hahaha, exactly thai style.. kids do what ever THEY want... children develop their own routines.... you must be joking..

Cant read more....

Glegolo

[soalbundy]

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I am a working dad but I still make time for my kids. Yes I am the breadwinner but to have that ancient Neanderthal opinion that the wife takes care of the kids is your first and biggest mistake. My eldest(4yr old) has at least 30 minutes with me after work no matter how tired I am. We play or talk about what she did today and then we put her to bed and I read her a story. She loves the fairy tales and it gets her excited about going to bed. She gets a quota every day of iPhone games or tv and when that's done she gets Lego or other items that work her brain.

No way we would let her be a couch potatoe. My wife is a typical Thai that loves her tv and iPhone but she knows the kids come first. Our newborn will be brought up the same way.

It's not easy believe me there are tantrums at times when tv has to go off but that's the nature of being a family.

If your mother in law is making things difficult then tell your wife to step in. Good luck

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TV is one of the worst things possible for young people because of the addictive factor. I was lucky in that there wasn't any TV when I was a child.

When I was in a relationship with a woman with children I got so PO with the kid just watching TV all his spare time that I only allowed him 2 shows a day and then the tv was off. Also, he couldn't use it at all from after school till 5 pm. Even if he went round to his friends to watch, at least he was with someone else, and not just on his own.

These days of course, it's the computer- even worse for a young developing mind.

Kids should be playing, not stuck to a screen.

I couldn't agree more. TV, ipads, other glowing screens are not good for your child's development. Math games, reading, music lessons (especially music) all help to create neural pathways which make them better learners as they get older. Even infants who cannot yet speak are creating pathways to learning and interpreting information based on their human interactions and stimuli. Parking the kid in front of an electronic babysitter is not good for him, nor do I think it's The Thai Way unless that way was created with the advent of television.

I use the computer a lot to teach my son ( 6 ) English. I have spoken only English with him since his birth,his mother speaks Thai with him. He speaks English well and i am now teaching him to read ( great opposition from him ). I feel that the English input from just me is not enough so i have encouraged him to use youtube to watch English speaking cartoons,Winnie the pooh,Thomas the tank engine etc.works a treat, his English came on in leaps and bounds and in some way the western ideology is also automatically consumed as well.

[Rupert2]

Youtube is very good. Kids love to watch others play games - check out venturiantales .

It's 2 brothers and two sisters playing games.

also plenty of the same from british boys and girls too.

fast paced language that they want to understand.