We just can't get along

[winstonc]

As mentioned earlier ...

He is acting the way he has for the past 40 years or whatever ....

Now you have come along and expect him to change immediately , because you buy whiskey & food & rent.

He didn't ask you to buy anything ... he didn't ask you to be his son in-law ...

It's the way he is and he won't change just because you came along ....

It's probably not that he resents you ... it's just the way he is & has been .. for a long time.

Snip

Just because he doesn't talk or bow to you should'nt be a concern at all. Just forget about it and get on with life !

THIS.

Why should be fawn over you? What makes you so special? That you married his daughter, that you are a foreigner?

I would just accept that he doesn't find you interesting, possibly doesn't even like you but isn't the one who married you so choses to just ignore you.

As to your wife not leaving him & you living alone...., well that is a bigger problem you have to deal with. My advice would be to rent a bigger house or one with a guest room & move your family into it & FIL into the guest quarters. Make it clear that you need to sleep in the day so the house is off limits. Provide some kind of covered outside space for them to waste the day & stop with the whiskey & food buying or if you enjoy it apart from him, ignore him & have your fun & leave him be to have his quietly in the corner.

I doubt he cares if you have more money, alpha nonsense etc etc, he probably just isn't that into you.

Oh & he doesn't have to wai you, YOU have to wai him, doesn't matter what you think your status in the house is, he is the father, the elder & YOU should show him due respect, he does not have to show it back. It is what it is.

doesnt care you have more money..???? oh contrare sir..this parasite loves it that hes a bone idle loser..and to get respect you gotta give a little thailand or not...stop making excuses for him...he should be back inside for oxygen theft..

[ukguyinthai]

I think your problem is much bigger than just the FL ignores you. It seems no-one respects or wants to be with you,or tries to care for you.It seems you are an ATM and nothing more.Get out of there,go take a long holiday with your wallet.

[starkey_rich]

Pee in his whiskey Then sit there with an inane Thai smile on your face whilst he drinks it.

[mikiea]

huh. .... when you went thru security at the airport did you drop your brain in that plastic bin and forgot to pick it up? these two have you by da short hairs & i think you kinda like it. oh. ...by the way i drink jack and i like my steak medium well. ... dont be late :-)

[DrTuner]

Get a mia noi to live with you in the apartment. Might win some respect from the old geezer, if not, make her mia luang.

[2fishin2]

That's a real serious answer thanks

He's being very serious with his answer.

[Straight8]

I'm afraid you started to loose your marriage a year ago. You made a perfectly reasonable offer to house this ex gaol bird but your wife wouldn't have it. Grow some cojones, and put your foot down and get him out. If wifey won't agree to that then you know where the land lies. You walk. remember you hold the aces, they are folded in the money pocket of your wallet.

On top of that it seems the child is not even his.

The OP is still a young, seems to be decent guy, wanting to do the right thing and he has to put up with this!!!

Unless I am mistaken, [you said your wife lives with her father and her child, you didn't say our child] leads me to believe its not his, he doesn't warrant being treated this way.

Time to cut all ties [and losses] and move to greener pastures.

[NeverSure]

When I was much younger I was very distressed about how I was treated by a girlfriend. I went to a counselor who solved it all for me for the rest of my life by asking me one question.

"What is it about YOU that would tolerate this situation?"

Think about that.

[mikiea]

hmmmm. maybe fi is true husband, that would answer all your questions. ask the baby....who's your daddy ? :-)

[Straight8]

Maybe your wife could explain to him how you feel. Maybe you could share a drink together.....or go fishing. Or ask him for help in a project.

You kant be serious..

[realenglish1]

To put it simply. Hes an alcoholic and you are enabling him.

Paying the rent and buying food He has no reason to talk to you.

Its easy street for him.

Take it all away and see how he reacts. I think you are the fool

[Evolare]

Seems like your stuck in limbo. I feel for you my fiancees uncle treats me like air because he is a rasist <deleted>, but the rest of the family is great I'm lucky that way. So I put my foot down early he is not welcome at our house he cannot borrow money or anything else of mine. If we have a party everyone is welcome but him. I used to invite him also if he showed up he always acted like a bitch. They still ask why I don't invite him I said he is welcome if he comes with a big apology for acting that way until then he is nothing to me, his wife want to come to our parties but can't go because I don't invite him...cant argue with a stubborn old drunk.

[IAMHERE]

If you think the whiskey is important then next week end leave it in the car/bike or at the store. If he asks about whiskey then you and him go together to get it, some time to chat about the weather or whatever. Maybe getting the bottle together will be a bonding process for you two. Probably the guy just feels awful that a farang has to take care of his daughter and grandson, he can't.

Plan 'B' would be to keep a lookout for a single lady with no kid, perhaps even no or few living relatives. To be 29, speak Thai, and have a steady job.

[Keesters]

Is he from Issan by any chance?

Their as dumb as a broom handle and the conversation will end up in a big stupid laugh most of the time.

Man up and stop giving him any respect, as he does to you.

That's a big sweeping, generalization, derogatory comment. Do you know every single person in and from Isaan?

[Stokakrishna]

stop the whisky, stop the money.

what respect??

most of those cockroaches think they are better than farangs, so whatever you do , you will be too blame.

and when one day he dies because of overdose they will blame you for buying him that whisky

you cannot buy respect

[huawei]

He envies you.

Your apparent wealth and popularity highlights his failings to him.

I find your living arrangements a little confusing though, not necessarily related to your father-in-law's attitude, but I would say you should be living with your wife and the child.

There is also a good chance he is an alcoholic, and/or suffering from depression.

Where is his wife?

I am inclined to say don't worry about him and get on with your life.

Where is his wife? My guess she died prematurely having to look after him, compounded by a drink problem.

[NCFC]

You have to ask yourself just how bothered are you by the situation? Can you let it go as some posters are suggesting, and ignore him? As you're posting it in a public forum then I'm assuming it bothers you greatly. In that case the ball is really in your court to deal with the situation. It seems as if your wife and her father are reasonably happy with the current setup and they are not going to change it on their own violition. The change has to be initiated by you.

The bad news is that you are one stage further down the road to divorce, as you have already moved out of the marital home to be replaced by another male.

You can walk away now if you want. If you'd rather try save the marriage then you have to get the setup that you want. I don't think there is any other solution than to get him out of your home. Just cutting out his whisky won't do it. He will still be there resenting you even more and poisoning the atmosphere further. He sounds like he is not going to change and acknowledge your presence. You need to get him out, and maybe you can ease his removal as others have suggested.

If your wife stands by her father, as she may well do, then you have to make clear that she needs to choose between you and her father, as you can't accept him to be in the marital house along with you. Aren't there other family members where he can stay?

I had a similar situation with my wife's sister moving in with us and then promptly giving up her job. It bothered me enough that I told the wife one of us had to go. In the end I left because blood was thicker than water.

The good news for you is that you are a young guy and can easily find another partner who will respect you.

[Oryx816]

Flying saucer,

You seem like a decent fellow, but your first mistake was allowing him to move in. Removal will now require a very unpleasant confrontation, but it is far better than prolonging this situation. Your wife won't like it, the FIL certainly won't like it, and it will be heartbreaking for you. Secondly, in moving out you exacerbated the situation further by placing your needs of a family life second to his living in your home.

Do not follow some of the advice here to try and reason with this man (I use the term loosely here). To invite him to get the whiskey together, as some have suggested here? What? No. Even if he went with you it would be feigned interest in order to obtain what he wanted and you would be the loser....AGAIN. Cut it off. If he asks for it, tell him "it's your turn". As for the house situation, tell your wife to move herself into the apartment or another home with you and her son, and her son can move to another school. Let the FIL figure out his situation. He must have done something to put a roof over his head and food in his belly before you, and he will surely figure out a way to do so again after you turn off the tap.

Forget this it is the Thai way nonsense. News bulletin: you are not Thai! I'm not saying that we shouldn't have respect for the culture we live in, but there are limits, and if a situation conflicts with your cultural values, you need to analyze it LOGICALLY. You are a human being who is helping them out, and in any culture that requires politeness at a bare minimum. If you feel you are being disrespected and treated like an ATM, then you are.

You are in a position to extract yourself more easily, because you already live apart. I need to make the observation that as a woman (albeit a Western woman), I find it remarkable that your wife allowed you to move out rather than move herself and her son (regardless of the school situation) to live with you. Something is sorely amiss. I'm very sorry for your situation but in such matters it is best to be decisive and act sooner rather than later. The only one who can change here is you--they have no incentive to change, and will not do so as they are quite comfortable, you are the only one who isn't.

[mango66]

I am always happy if my FIL take his dinner separate,

as, even if he take a rice soup,

he needs half an hr on the table to clean up his tees;

sometimes i ask him friendly : are the teeth are still there ?

I could not imagine he would ask me some support to change

for " new teeths " prothese,

because after he could do this just on the plate :-((

[frank0424]

Most people mistake kindness for weakness. You've been too kind to this family.

At least It is a situation you can walk away from in 2 seconds. Its not your son and you live alone anyway.

Is this a family you want to spend the rest of your life with?

[mrfaroukh]

I am sorry may be I got it wrong, you live in your apartment and your wife and her child live with her father. Is that right? If yes then there is something wrong with you and not him. He just want to have fun, have his drink and got nothing to do with the one who provide them for him.

[laobali]

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How old is this cantankerous old git ?

He is approx 60 years old.

I am 29 and my wife is 30

You are too young especially to have a Thai wife

Certainly too young to have a Thai wife with a Thai son, living Thai style with a Thai family with obviously no intention of changing any of their ways. Must be pretty desperate to accept living like that - not to mention paying for it. Seems a strange relationship. You must have discussed this with your wife. What about her son? Does he consider you in any way a father figure? Where is his real father? So many issues here.

Edited September 23, 2014 by laobali

[Gracas]

OP, sorry to hear about your situation.

But this has nothing to do with alpha dogs, reading the right book, culture or any other BS. The FIL just does not like you and is taking advantage of the situation.

You made the move by leaving and moving to a new apartment, ONLY because he would not move and why should he, free house, free food, free whisky and people waiting on him. What has he done to deserve this life ??? NOTHING.

I would stop the whisky now and any additional money that goes into his pocket. If he has a problem with this tell him to get a job.

If the wife cannot see the problem and will not support you, maybe time to move on completely.

Good luck.

[Nemesis7]

First of all, try to ignore if you can, seems you are thinking about it too much. And the best way to keep good relationship with inlaws are to stay apart.

I bet your FIL thinks he deserves all those as you are married to his daughter, this is where you should make your point clear. I wonder if you shared this with your wife, and if you did, why isnt she trying to resolve the matter?

simply stop buying booze for him....period, learn to say NO.

Things will automatically change onwards...

[ChiangraiTony]

When I acted like a spoiled brat and wanted to eat alone and not together with the family my dad use to say if you can't sit down and eat with the family together then you won't eat at all. Of course this was when I was a young lad but this sounds exactly like what your father-in-law is doing.

Personally, I wouldn't spend even 10 baht on someone that doesn't show any respect especially when you're being considerate enough to spend your own hard earned money.

Seems like you're showing the entire family respect by helping them and if the old guy doesn't care how he acts then so you should too. Just give him 100 baht and tell him to go out by himself to get something to eat or drink and that you really are tired of seeing his funny looking self sitting there and eating alone.

As for the rest of the family, I would stand up at the table in front of the whole bunch and tell them what you feel... Example: you will not tolerate anyone that does not appreciate what you do for the family and you think it's a terrible thing that the father of the woman you love doesn't show you any respect. Make it a big point and then say that if something doesn't change soon that the family will no longer get together for meals and that you will not waste your money on those that show no respect.

And then I would tell them that you have tried to be nice and friendly but he doesn't accept it. I would then be prepared to walk away from the table and just leave. Go on your own and eat something without the family at some other place. When you're gone, and if you make it seem serious they will be forced to talk about it.

I think they (the family) will discuss this and talk to the father. If after that he doesn't come around then I would change your family routine to suit your needs and desire. If your wife doesn't get on board then you should see where you really stand. And, by living alone while they are all together is not helping the cause with family bonding. Wish you good luck! (Just so you know, I too have in-laws and they are always trying something new on me to piss me off but I don't let them give me any sh_t. I will not have any of it. If it's my money that I'm spending, I'm the one that makes the rules not anyone else in the family.

[ATF]

I speak Thai already

So if you speak Thai why can't you convey your feelings of alienation to him and encourage him to understand the predicament everyone is in.

[nithisa78]

Eliminate the whiskey. If that doesn't help, grin and deal with it. His issues don't need to be your issues. Don't make them so.

The meaning of your life is the Mrs. Stay with that.

[ALFREDO]

My wife has a son and they all live near the son's school so she lives there to take care of him and take him to school.

I have tried to live there at the house with him but there is just not enough room and I need peace and quiet because I work a graveyard shift.

Change school to one near your place, if this is the reason for her behavior.

[BrooklynNY]

Is the father-in-law about the same age as yours or is he older?

Supposedly you were about the same age as your father-in-law that could be a reason that he could not accept you are his daughter's husband.

I also think that your wife and her side of family are milking you. They are free loaders including your wife.

[Straight8]

Is the father-in-law about the same age as yours or is he older?

Supposedly you were about the same age as your father-in-law that could be a reason that he could not accept you are his daughter's husband.

I also think that your wife and her side of family are milking you. They are free loaders including your wife.

Statistically you are spot on.

I wanted to say this is a 9 in 10 situation but that's 90%. I think it's a tad higher than that.. that farangs get milked when married / involved with a thai.

No right or wrong, some people can simply afford it, others need it and others simply have no idea that's its even happening.

It is what it is.