Serious And Disturbing Email

[Popeyethesailorman]

Hey Tip,

Sorry to hear about your dilema. I've followed the post from start to finish. I was in the same boat about 2 years ago. There were no signs and I was the happiest man in the world. Bought a condo, married the woman of my dreams after 3 years of dating and in one e-mail, it was gone. I loved her with all my heart and she was very faithful in the beginning but as my work at sea got more demanding, it took me away from her and Thailand. I believe she loved me but needed me to be there more than I could be. I thought all was good until I got a mysterious e-mail telling me she was shacking up with some guy in my condo. I couln't believe it but through talking with her found it was all true. I'm over it now but it took some time. I sincerely hope that this is not the case with you and that maybe it's just a misunderstanding. I wouldn't want anybody to go through what I went through. Best of luck and keep your chin up.

[johnb]

Tip

I have read this with great sadness and my heart goes out to you BUT please please CONFIRM the circumstances with a PI before you write off this relationship based on one persons accusations as IMHO you do need independant documented evidence

IMHO

THe best of luck to you for the future

Johnb

[tourleadersi]

To be honest, I don't feel much pain now. I needed to put this in a proper perspective. Despite what my wife is doing now she has nonetheless give me 4 years of pure joy and laughter. I'll always have that to cherish. She can't remove that from my memory.

Whether she intended to or not, she has given me something extremely valuable. She's shown aspects of herself during that time that were truly beautiful to behold. But then again, she has some deep seated pain within her that she doesn't know how to deal with. I had hoped to draw more of those wonderful qualities out of her, to expand them. Unfortunately, the dark side of her that lay dormant for so long surfaced in the end. A bloody shame.

So, do I condemn her for what she's doing now? Is my pain the only reason I have to withdraw my love from her? Do I ignore all else that was good and wonderful? I can't. I'll always feel grateful to her and maybe I'll send her more love now than ever because she's truly in need of it. No problem, I'll deal with the <deleted>. That will pass quickly. And when that's gone I'll simply remember her for the beauty I was fortunate enough to share with her.

Sorry Tip but this is where I get off. I am going to channel Sam Kinnison here, so sorry for shouting, but I think it is something you need to hear:

//shout removed//

A bit strong there mate.

As is usually the case in these instances (I know from experience) you go through a series of emotions. The initial gut dropping shock is replaced by a hope that it is all wrong. The panic when you discover it is all true gives way to the hope of reconciliation and forgiveness. Later comes depression as the reality sinks in that its all over. Eventually the body and brain kick in and over rule the heart and push so much adrenalin through you that rage and anger take hold. People become desperate and will do almost anything at this time, from killing to begging to be taken back. Then this too subsides giving way to a melancholy feeling of nothingness. But slowly, ever so slowly the sun begins to hit your skin again, you start to hear birds singing, the muscle in your face that have atrophied begin to work and the smile returns. The chest swells, belly laughs return and one day you wake up and realise you are bloody ten foot tall and bullet proof.

Life sucks but how bloody boring would it be if we were all happy trippy space cake love puppies everyday? Jesus Tip, some of the best moments I have had in my life are towards the end of that roller-coaster ride! So much so that I never fear going through hel_l anymore.

Tip, don't fight it, just know that you have stepped on a roller-coaster and at the end of it all you will be laughing and smiling and still surrounded by good friends.

[tourleadersi]

Duplicate post deleted....

Edited August 25, 2006 by tourleadersi

[thedude]

To be honest, I don't feel much pain now. I needed to put this in a proper perspective. Despite what my wife is doing now she has nonetheless give me 4 years of pure joy and laughter. I'll always have that to cherish. She can't remove that from my memory.

Whether she intended to or not, she has given me something extremely valuable. She's shown aspects of herself during that time that were truly beautiful to behold. But then again, she has some deep seated pain within her that she doesn't know how to deal with. I had hoped to draw more of those wonderful qualities out of her, to expand them. Unfortunately, the dark side of her that lay dormant for so long surfaced in the end. A bloody shame.

So, do I condemn her for what she's doing now? Is my pain the only reason I have to withdraw my love from her? Do I ignore all else that was good and wonderful? I can't. I'll always feel grateful to her and maybe I'll send her more love now than ever because she's truly in need of it. No problem, I'll deal with the <deleted>. That will pass quickly. And when that's gone I'll simply remember her for the beauty I was fortunate enough to share with her.

Sorry Tip but this is where I get off. I am going to channel Sam Kinnison here, so sorry for shouting, but I think it is something you need to hear:

//shout removed//

agree with qualtrough. this has been all too painful to watch unfold. my heart goes out to you tip. i once tried to carry on a relationship after similar circumstances. looking back, it was never the same again, and those were wasted times when both she and i were emotionally zombies.

its quite natural for a sensitive guy to want to think about the positives and maybe working it out if only love continued to exist. maybe you are unwilling to believe that your goodness didn't rub off on her, maybe you think you had neglected her. whatever it is, move on mate, don't try to rationalize it. its really for the best.

[Cigarette Burn]

//shout removed//

Don't sit on the fence qualtrough

[Tippaporn]

To be honest, I don't feel much pain now. I needed to put this in a proper perspective. Despite what my wife is doing now she has nonetheless give me 4 years of pure joy and laughter. I'll always have that to cherish. She can't remove that from my memory.

Whether she intended to or not, she has given me something extremely valuable. She's shown aspects of herself during that time that were truly beautiful to behold. But then again, she has some deep seated pain within her that she doesn't know how to deal with. I had hoped to draw more of those wonderful qualities out of her, to expand them. Unfortunately, the dark side of her that lay dormant for so long surfaced in the end. A bloody shame.

So, do I condemn her for what she's doing now? Is my pain the only reason I have to withdraw my love from her? Do I ignore all else that was good and wonderful? I can't. I'll always feel grateful to her and maybe I'll send her more love now than ever because she's truly in need of it. No problem, I'll deal with the <deleted>. That will pass quickly. And when that's gone I'll simply remember her for the beauty I was fortunate enough to share with her.

Sorry Tip but this is where I get off. I am going to channel Sam Kinnison here, so sorry for shouting, but I think it is something you need to hear:

//shout removed//

A bit strong there mate.

As is usually the case in these instances (I know from experience) you go through a series of emotions. The initial gut dropping shock is replaced by a hope that it is all wrong. The panic when you discover it is all true gives way to the hope of reconciliation and forgiveness. Later comes depression as the reality sinks in that its all over. Eventually the body and brain kick in and over rule the heart and push so much adrenalin through you that rage and anger take hold. People become desperate and will do almost anything at this time, from killing to begging to be taken back. Then this too subsides giving way to a melancholy feeling of nothingness. But slowly, ever so slowly the sun begins to hit your skin again, you start to hear birds singing, the muscle in your face that have atrophied begin to work and the smile returns. The chest swells, belly laughs return and one day you wake up and realise you are bloody ten foot tall and bullet proof.

Life sucks but how bloody boring would it be if we were all happy trippy space cake love puppies everyday? Jesus Tip, some of the best moments I have had in my life are towards the end of that roller-coaster ride! So much so that I never fear going through hel_l anymore.

Tip, don't fight it, just know that you have stepped on a roller-coaster and at the end of it all you will be laughing and smiling and still surrounded by good friends.

Good post, tl. You've described the emotional rollercoaster exactly. It's not at all fun for me. I've been on it too many times, and not just instances relating to relationships.

It still happens. The gut wrenching pain I felt after reading the first emails. Then hoping that it was a hoax and I would not receive any replies from the sender. Then more emails the next day, which to me gave more credibility to the fact that the emails weren't a hoax. The pain is so intense that I can't sit still. But I've learned that anger and resentment only prolong the feeling. Love and compassion melt it away almost instantly. I don't like the rollercoaster ride. If I am on it I work to get myself off as quickly as possible.

Qualtrough, I understand where you're coming from. Do you think I've not been there myself? Many times? It doesn't take backbone to feel contempt. It takes backbone to feel love despite it all. That can seem to be the toughest road to take, but it gets easier the more you do it. I want peace of mind. Hatred, contempt, jealousy, anger, spite, vengefulness - none of that will get you there, or at least it hasn't worked well for me.

Besides, it is a good question? Thousands of good deeds cancelled out by a single misdeed? Doesn't make sense to want to do that. Remember the love, the good times, the happiness. Spending time wretching over the <deleted> isn't worth it. Not to me.

At any rate, go with whatever works for you.

Edited August 25, 2006 by lopburi3

[tourleadersi]

Good post, tl. You've described the emotional rollercoaster exactly. It's not at all fun for me. I've been on it too many times, and not just instances relating to relationships.

It still happens. The gut wrenching pain I felt after reading the first emails. Then hoping that it was a hoax and I would not receive any replies from the sender. Then more emails the next day, which to me gave more credibility to the fact that the emails weren't a hoax. The pain is so intense that I can't sit still. But I've learned that anger and resentment only prolong the feeling. Love and compassion melt it away almost instantly. I don't like the rollercoaster ride. If I am on it I work to get myself off as quickly as possible.

Qualtrough, I understand where you're coming from. Do you think I've not been there myself? Many times? It doesn't take backbone to feel contempt. It takes backbone to feel love despite it all. That can seem to be the toughest road to take, but it gets easier the more you do it. I want peace of mind. Hatred, contempt, jealousy, anger, spite, vengefulness - none of that will get you there, or at least it hasn't worked well for me.

Besides, it is a good question? Thousands of good deeds cancelled out by a single misdeed. Doesn't make sense to want to do that. Remember the love, the good times, the happiness. Spending time wretching over the <deleted> isn't worth it. Not to me.

Good on you Tip, you deal with it how you think is best.

Man those roller coaster rides can be rough. The fear at the start, the blowing chunks as you go through the loops (usually alcohol induced) the tiredness, the boredom, the waiting for it to stop, and finally the relief felt when you get off.

This has been a long 72 hours for you mate, but the worst is nearly over. You are handling it like a king.

Edited August 25, 2006 by tourleadersi

[Papa_Lazarou]

Best rid of her mate. What a liability.

Welcome back to the land of the single male.

[jing jing]

... Qualtrough, I understand where you're coming from. Do you think I've not been there myself? Many times? It doesn't take backbone to feel contempt. It takes backbone to feel love despite it all. That can seem to be the toughest road to take, but it gets easier the more you do it. I want peace of mind. Hatred, contempt, jealousy, anger, spite, vengefulness - none of that will get you there, or at least it hasn't worked well for me.

Besides, it is a good question? Thousands of good deeds cancelled out by a single misdeed? Doesn't make sense to want to do that. Remember the love, the good times, the happiness. Spending time wretching over the <deleted> isn't worth it. Not to me.

Love and hate aren't the only two choices, Tip. The one you neglected to mention is the one that I believe makes the most sense in your situation: indifference. Why keep an emotional attachment to someone who has committed such an egregious act of deception against you? Anger isn't constructive but one can carry the good-guy martyr act a little too far at some point. I suppose that's up to you... whatever lets you sleep easy at night.

[tourleadersi]

Best rid of her mate. What a liability.

Welcome back to the land of the single male.

Thats the bit of the rollercoaster ride I love!!!

followed by

[VanZam]

Besides, it is a good question? Thousands of good deeds cancelled out by a single misdeed? Doesn't make sense to want to do that. Remember the love, the good times, the happiness. Spending time wretching over the <deleted> isn't worth it. Not to me.

At any rate, go with whatever works for you.

I don't think being married to another guy while you are away and lying about it would be a "single misdeed". To think that you could return to having a normal relationship with this woman after what has occured is delusional, although given the situation it is not surprising that this is your way of thinking. Your response is typical of men who find out their wives/gfs are cheating on them, they go against all logic and let emotions take over, get the girl back at any cost no matter what she has done. These relationships fail around 99% of the time, and just prolong the emotional stress.

At the end of the day, you must decide what makes you happy, I can assure you that re-entering into this relationship would not achieve that goal. You are simply setting yourself up for round 2, and letting her know that she can pretty much do whatever she wants and you will stick around regardless. Many others I know would call that being a "Sucker".

You may have many feelings towards this woman, but what's the point of having a relationship with a person who has so little regard for your feelings that she shacks up with another man the second you go away. Is that the sort of person you would want to spend the rest of your life with?

[taxexile]

I don't think being married to another guy

i dont think she is married to the policeman , my understanding is she is having an affair with him ??

[VanZam]

First email stated that she was married to the guy, then Tip stated that his own marriage was of the "jungle" type.

Impossible to know what's really going on.

[Tippaporn]

I don't think being married to another guy

i dont think she is married to the policeman , my understanding is she is having an affair with him ??

Yes. Typical translation of boyfriend for many Thais is husband. Well, perhaps not the typical translation, but I have heard the term husband used to describe a boyfriend many times.

Edited August 25, 2006 by Tippaporn

[Neeranam]

Tip, are you going to let this woman and guy get off free?

Although it is maybe the wrong thing to do - I'd punish them.

[Tippaporn]

First email stated that she was married to the guy, then Tip stated that his own marriage was of the "jungle" type.

Impossible to know what's really going on.

Read my above post. Someone made the mistake of taking that literally, which would be natural. But, yes, our relationship was a jungle marriage. Shouldn't be too confusing.

[Tippaporn]

Tip, are you going to let this woman and guy get off free?

Although it is maybe the wrong thing to do - I'd punish them.

No, I'd sooner walk away than seek any type of retribution or satisfaction by way of seeing them brought to justice. Justice will catch up to them sooner or later. Give a man enough rope and he'll eventually hang himself. It ultimately sorts itself out.

[LoveDaBlues]

Tip, are you going to let this woman and guy get off free?

Although it is maybe the wrong thing to do - I'd punish them.

Exactly how would you do that? The cop isn't even breaking any law as far as I can see. Remember, Tip is in a 'jungle' marriage; not really official. Last time I looked, it's not against the law to bang a single lady in a condo owned by someone else.

Or.....maybe you would have her legs broken; yea that's the ticket.

punish them......lol.......you're sick

[taxexile]

short of a jolly good thrashing how can you punish her.

she was free to choose that path , and will now lose her falang husband and the things that went with it.

but i wouldnt spare her a piece of my mind.

[2long]

Is it possible that this whole story is made up? You know, to get an exciting thread going?

Many apologies to Mr. Tipaporn if not.

[dekka007]

I'd punish them

Punish the Thai Police - Brilliant suggestion! duh...stop for say 1ms and think about it

How long do you think Tip would live if he did that....2 weeks / 3 weeks max...

[chuchok]

Is it possible that this whole story is made up? You know, to get an exciting thread going?

Many apologies to Mr. Tipaporn if not.

I don't think so.

[udon]

Is it possible that this whole story is made up? You know, to get an exciting thread going?

Many apologies to Mr. Tipaporn if not.

No.

[Neeranam]

QUOTE(Neeranam @ 2006-08-25 15:52:16) *

Tip, are you going to let this woman and guy get off free?

Although it is maybe the wrong thing to do - I'd punish them.

No, I'd sooner walk away than seek any type of retribution or satisfaction by way of seeing them brought to justice. Justice will catch up to them sooner or later. Give a man enough rope and he'll eventually hang himself. It ultimately sorts itself out.

Wise answer.

[Tippaporn]

Is it possible that this whole story is made up? You know, to get an exciting thread going?

Many apologies to Mr. Tipaporn if not.

No. Mai pen rai.

[totlanh]

Tipp,

Having read this script and followed it closely one thing puzzles me.Why do you trust this person(who you think you know-you,re not sure though)who has sent these annoymonous messages to you more than your partner??It is my assertion that you dont and would appear never to have trusted her .I know if a similar situation happened to me i would have a lot more faith in my wife than you have displayed.Again,and i dont want to sound like im having a go because im not,WHAT PROOF HAVE YOU GOT?????Why are you so quick to believe abd TRUST this mystry person??I must confess i think there must be something else that has happened that you hav,nt stated or perhpas something previously has occured.That would be the only reason why you appear to distrust your partner of 4/5 years!!

[tourleadersi]

Tipp,

Having read this script and followed it closely one thing puzzles me.Why do you trust this person(who you think you know-you,re not sure though)who has sent these annoymonous messages to you more than your partner??It is my assertion that you dont and would appear never to have trusted her .I know if a similar situation happened to me i would have a lot more faith in my wife than you have displayed.Again,and i dont want to sound like im having a go because im not,WHAT PROOF HAVE YOU GOT?????Why are you so quick to believe abd TRUST this mystry person??I must confess i think there must be something else that has happened that you hav,nt stated or perhpas something previously has occured.That would be the only reason why you appear to distrust your partner of 4/5 years!!

To be fair to Tip I think he has shown a great degree of trust in his wife. Initially he placed his trust in her but was prudent to follow up on the emails 'just in case'. He has now informed us that it appears that the emailer is genuine (a 99% belief is pretty strong in my book, and under the circumstances 1% is too risky to hold on too). If this mystery person is coming up with some accurate and honest facts, then why would he not believe her. I am guessing that some of the things she has said has lead Tip to believe that she is his wife's best friend, perhaps letting slip something that only she might know. He has been with her for 4/5 years, but the last 8 months they have been apart. We all know what can happen in that length of time.

[sbk]

I don't think being married to another guy

i dont think she is married to the policeman , my understanding is she is having an affair with him ??

Yes. Typical translation of boyfriend for many Thais is husband. Well, perhaps not the typical translation, but I have heard the term husband used to describe a boyfriend many times.

I have heard the terms boyfriend and husband (or girlfriend and wife) used interchangeably. When my husband is trying to make a point to someone else he calls me 'palaya'.

Also, at least where I live, if you are living together for a period of time you are considered married by the community, wedding or no, license or no. And to be fair, if you are living with someone for an extended period of time it is the same kind of relationship as husband and wife so, really, you are married.

Tip, my heart goes out to you reading this thread, I can't give you any advice except for a couple of things: be true to yourself and take care of yourself.

[Jockstar]

Man. 32 pages. I read the original 3 pages. I hoped as you did, that it was all bullshit. Mate i wish you luck with whatever you decide to do next. Keep the head up . You are not in the wrong. All the best mate.