Random Jokes

[Stan42]

This is a thread for you to post jokes and musings that do not fit into other categories and bypass the unnecessary need to create a new topic each time you want to post a joke. All jokes are welcome: clean, dirty, short, long, poetic, sarcastic,... skies the limit! This is not a thread for pictures or videos, (there's already one for that). So let the show begin!

[Stan42]

Have you ever stopped to think about the life of a dick? I mean a dick has a very sad life: His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door neighbor is an a-hole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him regularly.

[Stan42]

"Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?"

"You bet I do son!"

"How did it taste?"

[Stan42]

-What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?

-A 100$ bill

[Stan42]

One time I was sunbathing at a nude beach, along comes this super sexy blonde, spreads her towel on the sand in front of me and starts to undress. I watched her every move and said to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection..." But in the end, she did.

[nikmar]

i made an honest woman of my girlfriend yesterday. the wedding was perfect; set on a beautiful beach, we had all our friends there and afterwards there was dancing under the stars, it was so romantic.

later, i took my new bride to our wedding suite and as i started to undress her, i whispered in her ear, "i know you had to be patient but i wanted to save myself for my wedding night to show my true devotion to you. but now, at last, we can explore each other physically as well as emotionally. i love you my darling wife and i have waited for this very moment ever since i was a little boy."

she looked at me with tearfull eyes and said " so have I."

Damn thai dating sites!

[Stan42]

What did the terrorist with a bomb up his bum say to the stewardess?
"Hey! Pull my finger!"

[Stan42]

[NiwPix]

Heaven Is Where:

The French are the chefs
The Italians are the lovers
The British are the police
The Germans are the mechanics
And the Swiss make everything run on time

Hell is Where:

The British are the chefs
The Swiss are the lovers
The French are the mechanics
The Italians make everything run on time
And the Germans are the police

[Stan42]

At what point during a date do you know for sure that you're going to have sex later on?

The moment she says "Hmmm... this drink tastes funny.".

[faraday]

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says:

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says:

"Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says:

"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

[mogandave]

Two bar flies closed the bar sh*t-faced without finding a "sponsor" to give them a ride home.

Walking home, although it was dark they decided to take a short-cut through a diary when one slipped in the mud and slipped under one of the cows.

Her friend was frantically looking for her before seeing her under the cow with a teat in each hand an one in her mouth.

She was stunned and yelled Maggie, what the heck are you doing down there?

Maggie yells back: "Aww hell, all these guys here, someone's sure to give us a ride home..."

[nikmar]

I met a lady last night. She was absolutely gorgeous and highly intelligent with it. Ive never been so good with the ladiesso imagine my delight when she adked me to go home with her. On arrival she led me by the hand to the front room and with a smile told me to "get naked" while she left the room. This is it I thought, a night with a beautiful lady so I stripped down and stood waiting.

Moments later she reappeared with three kids, pointed at me and said "Thats what you look like if you dont eat your vegetables!"

[AhFarangJa]

Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had <deleted> all', he says, 'F-U-C-K-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got <deleted> all for breakfast!"

[BB1950]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day...

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started a adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are!!!

Edited June 6, 2015 by BB1950

[BB1950]

[BB1950]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said:"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,

"What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?", as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer drops little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,"Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death.....when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Edited June 6, 2015 by BB1950

[BB1950]

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to someone to see who else falls for it.

I've posted this because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category!

Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing "It's a Beautiful Morning" even when it's not!

Edited June 6, 2015 by BB1950

[AhFarangJa]

A husband returns home from work to find his wife raging mad.

"Your Johnny has been expelled from school for having sex with his French teacher" she tells him.

Husband pretends to be angry but inside he remembers his sexy French teacher, and thinks 'good on you Son'.

He goes upstairs to talk to his Son, tells him it is not really the done thing, then says that secretly he is very proud of him.

His Son turns round, and says "thanks Dad, and as soon as my bum stops hurting i am going to let him do it again."

[Stan42]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said:"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,

"What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?", as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer drops little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,"Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death.....when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

What did the Atheist say when he was burning in hell?

"I still can't believe I'm here."

[faraday]

If you say 'Gullible' very slowly, it sounds like the word 'Orange'.

Try this, it really does.

[Daffy D]

The gallant Scotsman ...

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman' he thought,
"What the heck ... I'll give her a treat!"

So, they walked past it again.

[Stan42]

Wanna see some great internet porn? Go to Google images and type in "great tits".

Do it. Now.

[Stan42]

2 people encounter a bear.

The first guy gets on his knees and starts to pray.

The second guy gets on his knees and starts tying his shoes.

"What are doing?" asks the first guy "You know you can't outrun a bear!"

The second guy says "I only need to outrun you."

[Rykbanlor]

>Hi darling, wanna play the rape game?

> No!

> That's the spirit!

[Rykbanlor]

Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

A catholic priest doesn't need to wait until you reach adolesence before coming up on your face.

[Stan42]

Excuse me Mam, but I have to say, I'm looking at the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.

So could you please move? You're blocking the view.