My Marriage

[Donz]

Ive been with many farang girls who would kick up a storm me going out with the boys without her. So this isnt just a Thai thing. It has to do with girls that are insecure.

Usually a girl who has been cheated on before will be like that

[simon43]

After 2 years living with my Thai wife, she too hates me going out alone! This was the same with an ex GF as well. My wife's line is that while she trusts me, she doesn't trust other Thai women! So the suggestion is that whilst I might be minding my own business when out on my own, I may be seduced by the advances of another Thai woman!

(I am not bald, fat and nor do I have BO, so there is a possibility that other Thai women might find me handsum man!)

Anyway, this really seems to be a trait amongst Thai women. I put it down to all the trash soap operas on TV which are forever portraying handsome Thai guys being seduced by a hot woman, only 5 seconds after he has bid goodbye to his loving wife in the morning....

I think there is misunderstanding between you about differences in your cultures, and how having some time to yourself is important. This is explained in good detail in the book 'Thailand Fever' - in both Thai and English. I suggest you get yourself a copy of this book and both read it...

As for me, I have no interest in going to bars anyway! I solved the problem by telling my wife that I wanted to exercise every day for 1 hour by cycling along the beach. This would keep me in good shape and she would be happy with her very handsum man (I argued). I knew that the thought of physical exercise would be a no-no to her!!

So I get some free time to think and relax and exercise, whilst eying up the babes on the beach!!

Simon

[El Taco Loco]

I came to Thailand to find love and live a peaceful life here.

The last year of my life in the U.S.A. was not very fun and most of the time i was miserable.

I really do not like spilling my guts on a public internet forum either. Most of the time i prefer to keep my personal life private.

please help!

Maybe I am just lucky, after reading about this issue for many years. Mine insists that I go out and I do the same with her. She is a homebody and a good mom.

However, there comes a time, and I had to do this, to put your foot down, explain to her who brings the bacon home and say that you are going out, call me if you need me, should I bring you some food home (that is always a winner with Thai wifes).

She is like a 2 year old. Testing you to see how far she can go with you. 2 years of marriage? Put your pants on now, bud!

Good luck!

Edited September 18, 2006 by sniperteam6

[a2396]

If you have a good relationship with her, communication and cooperation will be good as well. It sounds like these two areas are not to solid with you two. If you are satisfied with her behavior to you as a wife, I would try to reason with her and explain your feelings. If her English is not good, you may need someone to help translate. In my case, discussion of complex issues is impossible without some outside assistance. But, my relationship has other serious deficincies also. She generally doesn't care what I am doing, until about 11 at night. After that, I might have to make some explanations. Most of the women I have known here, don't care much what I do, because they are busy themselves shopping around for an "upgrade" or already have some liasons with other gents who are unknown to me.

[terry57]

Hello,

I have been married to a Thai lady for almost a year. Everytime that i want to go out by myself my wife says "no, i want to go with you." I have absolutely no problem with my wife wanting to go out alone by herself. I would think that being married to a woman for almost one year that she would trust her husband enough to allow him to go out alone by himself every once in awhile.

Our marriage is in crisis state we are regularly getting into fights with each other even in public places and i feel it is extremely embarassing.

I came to Thailand to find love and live a peaceful life here.

The last year of my life in the U.S.A. was not very fun and most of the time i was miserable.

I really do not like spilling my guts on a public internet forum either.

please help!

mate,

if your fighting with the trouble and strife after one year of marrage your life will continue to turn into a <deleted> sandwich.

be a man ,

step up to the plate, realise that your going down the gurgler and get the frig out of there.

elementary dear watson.

cheers friend

I certainly hope your not a troll - look dont panic - it happens here in west everywhere - does not mean you or her are in crisis unless you make it one - calm down

Ive been married now 4+ years - me and my thai wife used to have terible rows - now we just have bad rows

Post mark me - problems could be many - she might feel insecure jelous lots of reasons - if your sure of your lady work at it - but after just 1 year - depens on history

dont expect an easy ride here or anywhere

all i want is a nice peaceful life my friend and experience has taught me that if your having cracking blues with the trouble and strife from get go, then you got to go.

for me, its better to be alone than fighting full on with some female especially in thailand where a person has the opportunity to meet woman.

that's all my friend, and i say give it a fair crack and if its not working run away as fast as you can and get on with ones life.

at the end of the day we come to thailand for a better life, so why put up with all that silly drama ?

cheers

[Donz]

my fiancee trusts me alot, When we were in Thailand she stayed at her parents house and me and my mate when to Phuket and stayed Patong and in Samui for 2 weeks.

But I do have the best gf IMO.

she hasnt got all the faults as like many posters gf's here

[roguegirl]

Just say :

"Yes, dear!"

"No, dear!"

"Okay, dear!"

If all else don't work,

"Good bye, dear!"

[taxexile]

Our marriage is in crisis state we are regularly getting into fights with each other even in public places and i feel it is extremely embarassing.

I came to Thailand to find love and live a peaceful life here.

The last year of my life in the U.S.A. was not very fun and most of the time i was miserable.

please help!

it sounds like you are suffering from acute flangina (physical or emotional pain brought on by the nagging of a female partner.)

i would prescribe a few days of bed rest , preferably in the company of a couple of loamy loined lasses from your nearest go go establishment.

once you have emptied the tanks , things should seem much clearer and calmer.

[mrbojangles]

once you have emptied the tanks , things should seem much clearer and calmer.

Unless his Mrs finds out and then i fear his "tanks" would be lopped off and fed to the ducks

Tax, don't take up marriage guidance for a career, especially if only earning commission on a success rate

[gpt]

My wife and I have a 'kissing marriage'. Sometimes I tell her to kiss my ass, other times she tells me to kiss hers!

[Dakhar]

My wife had the same thing, never have I thought it was because she did not trust me. But I don't drink, dont "go out with the boys"etc. We are a family, and because of this, we behave as a unit, even when if I needed something lame like a new light bulb, she wanted to run out with me.

Now we are busy, and barely have the time to comminicate (we are now in Thailand) Now she is around family, and that UNIT feeling we/I had before has diminshed greatly. So I guess my point is, be careful for what you wish for.

I think she is just Thai, and lonely. My wife stayed at the house all day without a person to communicate with, when I came home from work she finally had someone to talk to. Heck, even the sex was better back in the states!

So good luck to you, it sounds to me like it is all normal what you two are going through.

[GracelessFawn]

I certainly am not trying to join the "all women are evil" crowd but i dunno maybe i just have not found the right woman yet.

Keep looking! (You might find her sooner than you think!)

Keep praying! (Someone out there might catch a great woman for you using a fish net, and drop her in your door stop!)

[chuchok]

I certainly am not trying to join the "all women are evil" crowd but i dunno maybe i just have not found the right woman yet.

Keep looking! (You might find her sooner than you think!)

Keep praying! (Someone out there might catch a great woman for you using a fish net, and drop her in your door stop!)

how would you know?you are a man.

[phibunmike]

Actually, it might not only be distrust. It could be that she cannot handle being alone. Pretty common among Thais in general, this society is much more collective, and most activities involve lots of people.

As soon as night falls, there is the fear of ghosts as well.

Meadish is right, THais hate being alone. That being said, my wife is happy for me to socialise with my mates, she doesn't like parties but doesn't want to restrict my fun.

Terry said if you are fighting after a year, give up. I disagree. There are many reasons arguments start, especially in a cross-cultural relationship, and, given time, they can often be worked through. So we can't really advise you on that., only you know how your relationship is.

If the main issue is having time alone, explain it to her and draw a comparison with something she likes. Do this quietly when not in an argument. Explain that farangs have a desire for privacy and time alone, which neither better nor worse than Thai culture, but just different.

Just my 2 satangs... Good luck.

[jamman]

Hello,

I have been married to a Thai lady for almost a year. Everytime that i want to go out by myself my wife says "no, i want to go with you." I have absolutely no problem with my wife wanting to go out alone by herself. I would think that being married to a woman for almost one year that she would trust her husband enough to allow him to go out alone by himself every once in awhile.

Our marriage is in crisis state we are regularly getting into fights with each other even in public places and i feel it is extremely embarassing.

I came to Thailand to find love and live a peaceful life here.

The last year of my life in the U.S.A. was not very fun and most of the time i was miserable.

I really do not like spilling my guts on a public internet forum either. Most of the time i prefer to keep my personal life private.

please help!

Hi Gabe,

I've been living in Asia for nearly 5 years now, and have had some experiences similar to yours. Firstly, you might want to take a look at the website www.bpdcentral.com and especially the web forum there at http://bpdcentral.com/nookboard . A lot of women in Thailand have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, and if your wife does, you will learn a lot about her patterns of behaviour and how to cope here.

Secondly, as westerners we are used to having our mates be considered equals and peers. We take for granted a certain level of mutual consideration. In Asia the man is expected to take more of a leadership role in a relationship, to be more of a manager than merely a mate. You have the authority to be firm and fair. Some things are not negotiated, but are stated.

I've been seeing a woman in Bali for nearly 3 months now. She can have an explosive and abusive temper. There was one day when she was losing it in public. I took her as far away from others as possible, and tried to talk with her, on the sidewalk. I reigned in all my emotions and kept my cool with physical and mental effort. But when her voice escalated to an embarassing level again, the time for patience was done, and I boomed out in a loud and deep voice "Don't. Talk to me like that!" That was all I said. It publicly humiliated her.

She broke up with me on the spot.

Two days later we were together, and she never talked to me like that again.

Since then there have been times when I've had to be very diplomatic around her temper. I do this by trying to both keep my humor, and not take any crap. I don't pussy foot around her, nor do I inflame her. Overall the change in her character over the three months has been remarkable. I haven't re-inforced her negative energies, as I don't argue with her or get dragged down by her bad moods, and I have re-inforced her positive energies, and so she generally gives me positive energies.

Luckily she doesn't have BPD. A person with BPD can at times be nearly unmanagable. My point is that there are times when a person needs to be dominant and assertive. A calm, dominant, and assertive presence will avoid confrontations if it is surrounded by a jovial fun loving spirit that often praises.

Edited September 19, 2006 by jamman

[jamman]

But for me, life's too short to walk on eggshells. There's always another one out there. Maybe someone without that "magic" will give you a more serene life. That ultra-hot passion usually came to a bad end for me.

That's a balance that's hard to measure - serenity weighing on one side, and passion on the other.

My rule of thumb for how beneficial a lover is to me is in what ways I am inspired and changed. Yes, serenity is good, but if there is nothing in me inspired, I'll chose a passionate, temporary, roller coaster fling.

There are some idiot savants out there who have more to offer than well rounded mediocre people. And adventurists enjoy the thrill of challenge, thinking it hones our skills and that the play makes us more alive.

[Dakhar]

One time I droped a can at a store, and my wife said in a loud iratated voice "What is your problem?"

My reply was, in a calm manner, "Could you at least pretend to respect me in public?" It defaced her pretty bad, because I reminded her, that she had been brought up better than act like that.

Any how, good luck to you.

[Charma]

Where's the OP? Is this another "hit and run"?

[VanZam]

Hello,

I have been married to a Thai lady for almost a year. Everytime that i want to go out by myself my wife says "no, i want to go with you." I have absolutely no problem with my wife wanting to go out alone by herself. I would think that being married to a woman for almost one year that she would trust her husband enough to allow him to go out alone by himself every once in awhile.

Our marriage is in crisis state we are regularly getting into fights with each other even in public places and i feel it is extremely embarassing.

I came to Thailand to find love and live a peaceful life here.

The last year of my life in the U.S.A. was not very fun and most of the time i was miserable.

I really do not like spilling my guts on a public internet forum either. Most of the time i prefer to keep my personal life private.

please help!

Hi Gabe,

I've been living in Asia for nearly 5 years now, and have had some experiences similar to yours. Firstly, you might want to take a look at the website www.bpdcentral.com and especially the web forum there at http://bpdcentral.com/nookboard . A lot of women in Thailand have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, and if your wife does, you will learn a lot about her patterns of behaviour and how to cope here.

Secondly, as westerners we are used to having our mates be considered equals and peers. We take for granted a certain level of mutual consideration. In Asia the man is expected to take more of a leadership role in a relationship, to be more of a manager than merely a mate. You have the authority to be firm and fair. Some things are not negotiated, but are stated.

I've been seeing a woman in Bali for nearly 3 months now. She can have an explosive and abusive temper. There was one day when she was losing it in public. I took her as far away from others as possible, and tried to talk with her, on the sidewalk. I reigned in all my emotions and kept my cool with physical and mental effort. But when her voice escalated to an embarassing level again, the time for patience was done, and I boomed out in a loud and deep voice "Don't. Talk to me like that!" That was all I said. It publicly humiliated her.

She broke up with me on the spot.

Two days later we were together, and she never talked to me like that again.

Since then there have been times when I've had to be very diplomatic around her temper. I do this by trying to both keep my humor, and not take any crap. I don't pussy foot around her, nor do I inflame her. Overall the change in her character over the three months has been remarkable. I haven't re-inforced her negative energies, as I don't argue with her or get dragged down by her bad moods, and I have re-inforced her positive energies, and so she generally gives me positive energies.

Luckily she doesn't have BPD. A person with BPD can at times be nearly unmanagable. My point is that there are times when a person needs to be dominant and assertive. A calm, dominant, and assertive presence will avoid confrontations if it is surrounded by a jovial fun loving spirit that often praises.

I'm sorry but I would have to strongly dissagree that "many Thai women show traits of BPD", not to mention that the site you posted lists symptoms that are totally wrong. Seems to me that its just a site with people who maybe feel a bit bad, or cant explain something and feel the need to group themselves using a label.

If the OP is having marriage issues, they are best discussed with a therapist. As good as internet forums are, they will never provide a planned solution, or even gauge the complete problem correctly. There is more to relationships that what one can type, and it's very important to take into account all aspects (body language, general wellbeing etc) before making any judgement.

Cheers.

[jamman]

I'm sorry but I would have to strongly dissagree that "many Thai women show traits of BPD", not to mention that the site you posted lists symptoms that are totally wrong. Seems to me that its just a site with people who maybe feel a bit bad, or cant explain something and feel the need to group themselves using a label.

If the OP is having marriage issues, they are best discussed with a therapist. As good as internet forums are, they will never provide a planned solution, or even gauge the complete problem correctly. There is more to relationships that what one can type, and it's very important to take into account all aspects (body language, general wellbeing etc) before making any judgement.

Cheers.

There are various estimates about the percentage of the general population in the US who have BPD traits. Some say it is about 10% for females. Many people have speculated that the percentage is higher in SE Asia. There are good reasons for this speculation, but that would be off topic. Regardless of what the % is, having at least a vauge and cursory understanding of the personality disorder can be of some use.

I don't know why you dismiss that website. You sound as if you claim to be more knowledgable about BPD than the contributors to it.

As for the possible value of seeking advice on internet forums, at the very least they provide the opportunity to clarify a problem, and to feel heard.

[Lobsterman]

Hello,

I have been married to a Thai lady for almost a year. Everytime that i want to go out by myself my wife says "no, i want to go with you."

you should find her a job and make her busy with something.

[VanZam]

The list of symptoms for BPD is a long one, and includes traits that people encounter every day of their life.

I do agree that you may be able get a slightly better understanding of symptoms and how to deal with them, but that does not treat the root of the issue and is simply a band aid solution.

I make no claims to know more about BPD than the members of that site, and although I am a clinical psychologist, I do not have any paticular expertise in BPD (and even doubt if it actually exists). One quick look however, at the number of people with "undiagnosed BPD" in their sig, says it all.

Internet forums are a starting point for people to get mixed ideas. They are not, however, an ideal medium for relationship or mental health advice.

[jamman]

The list of symptoms for BPD is a long one, and includes traits that people encounter every day of their life.

I do agree that you may be able get a slightly better understanding of symptoms and how to deal with them, but that does not treat the root of the issue and is simply a band aid solution.

I make no claims to know more about BPD than the members of that site, and although I am a clinical psychologist, I do not have any paticular expertise in BPD (and even doubt if it actually exists). One quick look however, at the number of people with "undiagnosed BPD" in their sig, says it all.

Internet forums are a starting point for people to get mixed ideas. They are not, however, an ideal medium for relationship or mental health advice.

You are a clinical psycholigist who doubts that BPD exists. That's truly frightening. Do you also doubt that the other personality disorders exist? Are there Psychopaths in the world, for example?

And if it does not exist, why do you talk about band aid solutions and root issues?

You seem to consider yourself an expert and advocate that regular people seek out qualified experts, however your ignorance is both frightening and dangerous.

[VanZam]

You are a clinical psycholigist who doubts that BPD exists. That's truly frightening.

Then it would frighten you to learn that about 95% of mental health professionals would agree with me, in fact many want the term scrapped as it is one of the most controversial diagnoses in psychology today

Do you also doubt that the other personality disorders exist? Are there Psychopaths in the world, for example?

Petty comments

And if it does not exist, why do you talk about band aid solutions and root issues?

Becasue regardless of whether the condition exists or not, the symptoms people suffer do, and can relate to other forms of mental illness. Do I really need to go through psych 101 to bring you up to speed on root causes? You seem to know everything already.

You seem to consider yourself an expert and advocate that regular people seek out qualified experts, however your ignorance is both frightening and dangerous.

Rubbish, I think its quite clear that you have no idea what your talking about.. what's the bet that you're a member of that site

[danone]

first of all try to accept conflict as a basic ingredient of married life.

how you handle conflict is another thing.

perhaps you should refrain from inflaming the situations.

I know, you yourself think your wife is inflaming the situations.

but try to be stronger. try to keep quiet if she makes another loud scandal.

being loud is a sign of insecurity.

I have no idea how you met here and where she's from (what kind of upbringing and family), but in such an inter-cultural marriage it is an illusion to try to find proper common ground.

today is my 8th wedding day, with my wife, a thai, whom I love dearly. but its impossible to discuss with her certain things that are important to me.

you have to set clear priorities. you have to accept clear limitations. and did I say that you should not try to inflame her, even though she may be wrong?

if you really see no way out then get out as quickly as you can. but dont think life on the other side of the fence with another wife will be much different or much better.

in conflict we first have to overcome ourselves. therefore its easy to get out of a relationship, but quite a task for anyone to stay in there. you're no exception, just try to deal with it properly without deluding yourself.

[jamman]

You are a clinical psycholigist who doubts that BPD exists. That's truly frightening.

Then it would frighten you to learn that about 95% of mental health professionals would agree with me, in fact many want the term scrapped as it is one of the most controversial diagnoses in psychology today

Do you also doubt that the other personality disorders exist? Are there Psychopaths in the world, for example?

Petty comments

And if it does not exist, why do you talk about band aid solutions and root issues?

Becasue regardless of whether the condition exists or not, the symptoms people suffer do, and can relate to other forms of mental illness. Do I really need to go through psych 101 to bring you up to speed on root causes? You seem to know everything already.

You seem to consider yourself an expert and advocate that regular people seek out qualified experts, however your ignorance is both frightening and dangerous.

Rubbish, I think its quite clear that you have no idea what your talking about.. what's the bet that you're a member of that site

Yes, it does surprise me to learn that 95% of mental health professionals agree with you. Where did you get that number from?

I don't know how to answer your reply about root causes. You agree that some people suffer from the symptoms that have been classified under the umbrella of BPD. You imply that there are solutions to the root issues of these symptoms. You don't agree that the grouping of these symptoms is a personality disorder. I am assuming that you feel that the grouping is nearly arbitrary. I am assuming that you don't see a pattern of emotional dysregulation and perceptual organization consistent with a neurological developmental delay. I am assuming that you are aware of the very low success rate of any therapy for improvement of the real symptoms for those classified with this disorder, and that roughly 10% of those diagnosed succeed in suicide. Perhaps you are unaware that the highest therapeutic success rate has been pharmacalogical. Whatever the root causes, authenticated certified baptized psychologists have largely been unable to treat the root causes.

Which reminds me of something I've often read, about the clergy of the ordained priests of psychology. That their success rate of improving symptoms is roughly the same as that achieved by any average counselor, such as friend or neighbor.

Which reminds me of a trend in psychology. To be completely and dangerously wrong. To be gay was very recently classified as a mental disorder.

Which reminds me of a trend in academia. To think of those not ordained within their circle as "lay people". In any field of human endeavor, a portion of the best contributors will be self educated. The fact is that the rare few among us who are the most apt, have the capacity to self educate. And the average among us, with even the best education, can be inept.

Which reminds me of some psychologists whom I have met where were socially and clinically inept. One woman maintained a small boarding house and ran a clinical practice treating alcoholics. Her boarders could only tolerate her for two months maximum, and she lost her professional appointments regularly. She was also a meditation instructor. She had no idea how inept she was, which is not uncommon for the inept. A person with schizophrenia doesn't want to think of them self as crazy, a person with BPD is unable to have the clarity of introspection to compare their actions to those of others, and an inept psychologist assumes insight based on education.

This may seem harsh, to say that education does not bestow insight. I knew a professor of philosophy who could read and comprehend detailed and subtle philosophies, but who could not hold various views simultaniously in his mind, and compare them at once. He had logic, but not visionary logic. He understood rules, but could not grasp systems. He attracted only two or three students to his class each semester, as he was unable to enter the mind of his student and impress his gifts in ways that could be received. He considered that only those who were trained within academia had any right to speak about issues philisophical. As if knowledge itself requires ordination to recieve, and only ordained professors could bestow it.

However you view the symptoms of BPD, there are people with them, and to see that pattern, to understand what are reasonable expectations to have for a person who has theses symptoms, is useful. If your mate has actions that are hard to understand, but that can be better predicted by understanding people with similar patterns of behavior, then learn these patterns.

Edited September 19, 2006 by jamman

[fourbaht]

Buy her a ladies toy and tell her to get ready for when you come back.. alternatively stop her going out alone see if that does the trick..

[Donz]

I certainly am not trying to join the "all women are evil" crowd but i dunno maybe i just have not found the right woman yet.

Keep looking! (You might find her sooner than you think!)

Keep praying! (Someone out there might catch a great woman for you using a fish net, and drop her in your door stop!)

how would you know?you are a man.

grow up

[daz2chat]

hi gabe if your wife doesnt give you any freedom she will lose you anyway. stand up to her and tell her your going out alone with the lads.

you need some space.if she doesnt agree to this trade her in for a new model there is plenty to go through