Afraid to go back home

[elgenon]

OP not sure of your purpose in returning. Is it to get a feeling of "home" you don't get here?

Do you have friends here?

I just went to dinner with a Thai family I have known for 30 years. The two daughters and their cousin call me Uncle. I would trust my friends with my life. One daughter will start University and wants to counsel prisoners, one daughter is so loving and caring she was fanning me wile we waited for a table. She is an excellent artist. The cousin is studying International Business and we met up with her at a pastry shop where she was helping her friend who worked there. No big deal helping her friend for free.

If I didn't feel warm and at home with them I would be crazy. I am blessed. I hope you can cultivate friendships here.

[MaeJoMTB]

You only have ONE family and you stand by them NO MATTER WHAT.....yes, you may not get alone, may even hate some of them....but their family and when the chips are down, or need some help, or even need a place to stay ......I was raised to be there for them NO MATTER WHAT....I was also raised with the motto that your "word is your bond" and a "handshake" is your word and bond.

Different strokes for different folks .....I guess

I've had several families, when one disappointed me, I just moved on and created a new one.

As long as you don't do something silly, like a vasectomy, you can just keep on trucking.

'Word and bond' honour system is between unrelated men, nothing to do with family.

'No agreement is binding or final' is the way woman operate.

[fish fingers]

Maybe I was a bit too strong with my post. I don't know all your reasons for wanting to go back but it sounds like it requires some planning first, if you did. I'm guessing your current job means you are stuck in one place in Thailand.

[Cypress Hill]

You only have ONE family and you stand by them NO MATTER WHAT.....yes, you may not get alone, may even hate some of them....but their family and when the chips are down, or need some help, or even need a place to stay ......I was raised to be there for them NO MATTER WHAT....I was also raised with the motto that your "word is your bond" and a "handshake" is your word and bond.

Different strokes for different folks .....I guess

I've had several families, when one disappointed me, I just moved on and created a new one.

As long as you don't do something silly, like a vasectomy, you can just keep on trucking.

'Word and bond' honour system is between unrelated men, nothing to do with family.

'No agreement is binding or final' is the way woman operate.

Wow you've got serious issues with women, haven't you?

Still, great plan you've got there . . .

Just keep hooking up with poorly-educated farm hands who'll let you knock 'em up in return for a 5,000 baht monthly stipend.

[rgs2001uk]

No fear of going home and yes, I still regard London as home but Bangkok suits my needs better for now.

All bridges remain intact including hard cash, social connections, car and family.

Shit, even a couple of my career-minded exes are still in their mid-30s and they've kept themselves in shape.

Options, options, never burn bridges or close doors.

[elgenon]

So Cypress Hill, can you stay with your exes? I think the OP bemoaned friends not up for a homemstay. Many options. Good to hear.

[jasmoran66]

This thread sure hit a nerve. I've been grappling with this issue for over 2 years now. I think I'm past the point of returning back to the US anytime soon. I always dread visa renewal time. I hate having to deal with the US Embassy. Not because I've had any problems with them, it's just that you never know. I sort of came here out of duress. Each of us has our own reasons for coming to Thailand. Chok Dee, everyone.

[MatteoBassini]

If you're afraid of going back...

then Thailand IS your home.

[50baht]

Check into a real anky Homless shelter like this one in Aspen ,CO.

http://aspensafetynet.org/

You can stay about a month in a beautiful town where Dishwashers make 500 baht a hour.

You can also legaly smoke pot

Lots of idiots with too much money so they help people like you.

https://www.google.com/search?q=homeless+in+aspen&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAmoVChMI--7Qx8_YxgIVSzw-Ch2fyQKT&biw=1280&bih=658#imgrc=7uJsh3MdVTylRM%3A

You could probable get a car donated to you if you work hard or bang some rich old lady

and get a new Jeep. Up too you.

http://rockies.craigslist.org/fbh/5099733024.html

[ryanhull]

Good post op, and I am sure one we all here can relate too.....

At the end of the day, no one can beat my mums Sunday roast, and when I arrive back home, I dump all my dirty clothes in a heap and as if by magic the next day they arrive all cleaned and ironed in my drawer.

Most important women in my life aside from my wife is my mum and always will be, she brought me into this world and I will always make the time to visit her at-least once every few months, luckily I still have quite a few good mates in the UK, and as others have said making time using skype/facebook to keep up to date is the key, and the good thing is the ones who you never liked are easily forgotten!

It is strange for me, having been here 3 years+ now, after 2 months mark here I kind of get excited to shoot back to the UK and see family/friends plus breath some cold air, wear my north face jacket, give some greif to my little nephews and what not, then 2 weeks later get excited to get back to the sun, my wife/son, dogs, plus general Thai madness etc.... its good to have a bit of variation in your life I think. Funny thing is, I have mates in the UK I will pop in to see each time I am back... shoot back to Thailand for two months, then when I go back and see them again, its almost like they have`nt left the seat they was sat on before! Unfortunately some of my mates and people I know in the UK lead very boring lifes with little prospects which is sad in some ways, plus the old saying 'the grass is always greener' comes into play.

True mates will always be around for you no matter how long you leave it, the ones who 'sack you off' are not real mates anyway.... I have mates I rarely speak too these days but I know and they know if sh*t ever hit the fan and i needed help, they would be there for me and same applies... 'bro`s for life'.

Anyway regardless of my personal situation to the OP, the main thing is you try to be happy where you are and not dwell too much on location... and you might by the sound of it be needing a lady in your life!

Good luck

[Goldbear]

Everyone's situation is so different. Family, money, their own attitudes and perspectives.

It seems like a lot of retirees go back to their country of origin less and less the longer that they are in Thailand.

[facthailand]

I actually intended to live with a foot in both places when I moved to Thailand 28 years ago. Money dwindled and so did the time we spent there.

However, Mum is 87 and I'll go every year she's still alive.

There is one stark realisation with which I am burdened. No doubt that I would become estranged from my grown children and grandchildren if they could not gaze on my visage every year. They have all been to Thailand but always make excuses why they won't be back.

I certainly would not stay only a few days after spending $1K+ on a ticket! But I maintain a 1982 campervan for my town bedroom.

Friends? Well, I guess most are memories. Although I make exceptional effort to keep in touch by email, I rarely get a reply. I think it's too bad they're so provincial but mai bpen rai.

I enjoy the shopping, bring home two suitcases of books and food and eating locally. But I have a sweet and simple life in Thailand, with a hugely devoted mate. I find it hard to leave!

No room to be bored anywhere there's Internet!

[wolfmanjack]

Sad to say.....but I guess your "so-called" friends weren't really your friends then

I went back to australia 3 years ago,i asked my oldest son if i could possibly stay with him and his wife.Was asked for "how long"...i said 1 week.The response i got was 3 days would be ok!

I hope my kids do not end up like that.

When my parents were still alive I told them they could come stay with us and we would take care of them in their old age.

My brother told me if I have to move back to the USA I can stay with him as long as I like but he isn't married.

[wolfmanjack]

Friendships, like marriage need input. If not, they slowly fade away.

Frankly, if someone contacted me after being away seven years and asked me to put them up, I'd make excuses, too.

I wouldn't. I also have a friend that I contacted in the USA and asked him to do some thing for me that required him to drive a80 miles round trip and he answered that it was no problem for him. I haven't seen him for 10 years but we do chat on facebook every once in a while.

I guess it just depends on the person.

[fang37]

Lets face it if we've been away along time(have been here 10 years)then we've really started a new life and going back "home" for a visit our previous home seems quite alien,we are like fish out of water.

I understand what you're saying ......but FAMILY!

FAMILY is just a word.

Long time expats - there would not be many who are not in the same boat as you.

When you first came here, my guess is that there was regular communication. As time goes by, it wanes.

I suggest that you consider yourself divorced from your US family,

[MaeJoMTB]

Just keep hooking up with poorly-educated farm hands who'll let you knock 'em up in return for a 5,000 baht monthly stipend.

Hey,

My wife just gained her high school diploma, that makes her equally educated to most posters on this forum.

She starts university in a month or two....... then I can claim hiso, half chinese, degree, blah, blah with the best of the members.

[gyrosman]

Well, you have some kind of income to have remain in Thailand, so, take that money and when you go home buy a RV. I lived in a Winneabago ( 2200$) and loved it, latter I bought a Southwind for 5,700 cash both ran great. Stay in RV parks, state parks, Wal-Mart parking lot etc.. Why are you depended on other people? Your a big boy and made decisions to come into a new culture, what's the difference going home? Gas is cheaper there, western food is cheaper. Yes, many things are cheaper here but when you average cost what you spend just as much here to live compared to what you would at home. Want work, try Labor Ready which pays cash each day. I worked there as a road flagger following the projects with my RV and always had work because I could travel with the company.

Its time to shake off lifestyle of Thailand and muster up.

[beachproperty]

Lets face it if we've been away along time(have been here 10 years)then we've really started a new life and going back "home" for a visit our previous home seems quite alien,we are like fish out of water.

I understand what you're saying ......but FAMILY!

FAMILY is just a word.

Long time expats - there would not be many who are not in the same boat as you.

When you first came here, my guess is that there was regular communication. As time goes by, it wanes.

I suggest that you consider yourself divorced from your US family,

Yeah ...you may be right (NOT)

Been here only Ten years (I guess not long enough for you)

As for your guess.....again wrong.....When I lived in the states I communicated LESS with family (I guess being accessible meant you didn't have to communicate)....

AND family may be just a word to you and others (sad) ...BUT not to me or apparently my family.....obviously raised different with different values

[Nowisee]

The problem for me is I sold everything when I left the usa...so, going back requires a lot (too much) logistics.

IF or when I go back for longer periods...at some point I will just be too bored here...then I will buy an airstream trailer and truck and travel around...when I need to go abroad and travel, I'll park it and it will be there for me when I come back.

No interest in staying in one place when I go there and no interest in staying with family for longer than 3 days.
I'm too independent from my family and have essentially let my "friendships" fade into just being cyber friends... it's fine for me.

Edited July 14, 2015 by Nowisee

[JLCrab]

It is always fun on some of these topics to learn of life in Thailand from the perspective of the alpha male or at least those who claim to be.

[micmichd]

Just keep hooking up with poorly-educated farm hands who'll let you knock 'em up in return for a 5,000 baht monthly stipend.

Hey,

My wife just gained her high school diploma, that makes her equally educated to most posters on this forum.

She starts university in a month or two....... then I can claim hiso, half chinese, degree, blah, blah with the best of the members.

My gf's got a university degree, so she should now be hiso, too. But she's from Isaan, and I really doubt that my old "friends" in Germany (the ones that survived) will ever see anything else than a bar girl in her.

Anyway, the natives of Old Heidelberg (the ones that know nothing else) are considered to be losers in German society. There's lots of international young people and tourists in Heidelberg. Life goes on there, too.

[PeCeDe]

Not been back for a holiday in 30 plus years. Talk to my father by phone about once every 3 months. Will be going back next year but decided to only go for a week instead of two. Would probably get bored to tears for any longer. Lost all contact with friends years and years ago. Will stay in a hotel as I do not want to impose on my dad while I am there.

The very thought of going back to the UK, even for such a short time, does not really fill me with excitement, although there are certain things I miss about the country. I think I am in for a big shock (reverse culture shock).

You are right! unfortunately.

My ancestors took a thousand years to build the Country, and it was given away in a generation... Grrr. Something the Thai are bound and determined not to do... More power to them.

[noahvail]

Guess I'm lucky. Got some friends in Oz that put me up for a couple of weeks before I left NZ -they were living in NZ at that time. They said they'd do that anytime. Got Thai and non-Thai friends who would put up with me for a bit, another friend in the US has offered to let me liive rent and utility free in one of his apartments. But what made me feel over the moon was when my son in NZ said, out of the blue, that if I ever needed to come back to NZ permanently, that he would have his double garage converted into a grannie flat for me. Brought a tear to my eye, that one did.

[louse1953]

Sad to say.....but I guess your "so-called" friends weren't really your friends then

I went back to australia 3 years ago,i asked my oldest son if i could possibly stay with him and his wife.Was asked for "how long"...i said 1 week.The response i got was 3 days would be ok!

sorry to hear......Guess we know who's the boss in that family

Guess he wont be staying with you in Thailand then.

[micmichd]

Sad to say.....but I guess your "so-called" friends weren't really your friends then

I went back to australia 3 years ago,i asked my oldest son if i could possibly stay with him and his wife.Was asked for "how long"...i said 1 week.The response i got was 3 days would be ok!

sorry to hear......Guess we know who's the boss in that family

Guess he wont be staying with you in Thailand then.

That's confusing. In my family the boss is a woman.

[louse1953]

Friendships, like marriage need input. If not, they slowly fade away.

Frankly, if someone contacted me after being away seven years and asked me to put them up, I'd make excuses, too.

I don't agree with what you say 'KarenBravo'.... I think the definition of friendship is the thing here.... What your describing, to me is an acquaintance......for me anyway.

Being an ex serviceman I have friends I've not spoken to for over 30 years...... What's changed? They are still my mates, I've just not spoke to them. If I bumped into them in the street tomorrow, we would go out of our way to make the reunion something to remember. I recently have made contact with a lot of my old service mates on Facebook, one came out to Thailand, he came and stayed at mine for a week.... We had a blast, it was as if we had not seen each other for only a weekend.

I think real friends don't forget there mates, sadly some, we see as a friend turns out to be an acquaintance..... Just let them go, they are not worth the time and effort.

I only have one friend who was not an ex-service man, (would have made a good one)

No disrespect to anyone here,........... I have found most civvies just don't get this concept of still being a friend.... just because you don't talk to someone for years. I had found, what I though a good mate after leaving the services, I though we were good friends. I moved, (again) we didn't talk for about 3 years, (just busy with other stuff) when I did make contact, he acted like a big tart.... went all 'handbag' on me, "you never rang me or called.......you don't care about me"....... Well sorry Princes....Life goes on.

That's why I feel we have different opinions........ real friendships, for me means you don't need effort or input...... Friendships just are what they are and if you have to work at them...... It an't a friendship.

Real friendships are effortless and require no input you are not happy to put-in!.... with no 'you owe me one'...... So many just don't see the difference between acquaintance and friend.

A friend is someone you would take incoming fire for....... An acquaintance is someone you patch-up after the firefight..........

Sounds like friends in footy teams(Aussie Rules),5 preimerships together,mates for life.

[thaibeachlovers]

Hell, I genuinely hope and doubt I'll ever be in many people's position on here.

I'm only mid 40's and own several properties. I also have many genuine friends in Aus wishing for me to visit and stay regularly.

Perhaps I'm harsh, but many of you old guys here just didn't ever plan well enough.

As the old saying goes; if you don't plan, you plan to fail.

No one wants to be with a mediocre failure. That's why many of you have so few friends.

Yes, harsh, but very much the truth in my opinion.

Reading many of your posts, I wouldn't want your kee nhoc arse hanging around my house either.

You don't have the wealth to spend time in your home country's well....why the <deleted> did you even come here?

Counting your pennies; eating at food courts and chasing happy hours for many I bet.

Don't whine; you've only got yourselves to blame.

Yours is the perspective of a well adjusted, normal person. You have done a better job at keeping your friendships than me as I neglected some of mine and didn't take care of them. One has to put some effort into it, as you do. You will be criticized and it will come from the people with nasty failed marriages, who's children want nothing to do with them and who have some serious behavioural problems but don't see it. One cannot reason with such people. Everyone else is to blame for their problems except them. One thing I do understand is that there are a lot of foreign losers in Thailand, often ending up in IT or "internet sales" or "promotions". They are creepy and cringe worthy. Well adjusted people avoid them.

I'm only mid 40's and own several properties. I also have many genuine friends in Aus wishing for me to visit and stay regularly.

Perhaps I'm harsh, but many of you old guys in here just didn't ever plan well enough.

You understand very little about life, because you are too young.

As you get older, all your relationships fail.

That's the way life is.

In my 40s, I would have said exactly the same as you, in my 60s I know better.

Absolutely nothing you can do about it.

That's a dismissive cop out. If all your relationships fail, then that's your problem.My father who is elderly has maintained some of his friendships and relationships dating back to his childhood. Far better than me, but I hope to be able to do that.. Now, his relationships are ending because people are dying. Yes, we move on in life and yes many of us develop. We gain new friends and relationships as we shed some of the bad relationships. However, only someone with serious behavioural problems is incapable of maintaining relationships over time. Is it any wonder that some children hate their TVF parents? I learnt the values of generosity and compassion from my family. It is obvious that the people whinging about abandonment do not understand these concepts. People don't want to be near chronic complainers, drunks, slobs, cold hearted judgemental pricks and those without jaidee.

If all your relationships fail, then that's your problem

Rubbish. as I already pointed out, I had a friend of 30 years went psychotic from too much MJ and another that I "thought" was a real friend of 20 years that turned out to be a backstabber. Not everything is "my" fault.

[little mary sunshine]

Good parents and good friends will

Always be welcomed into their

Friends

And children's homes. Deadbeats

And users. Stay away!!

[Craig krup]

I am from Michigan, Flint, a city that was torn apart and basically most everyone lives somewhere but there after the auto factories all closed down. Just turned 60. Been gone a long time, too long I guess. Everyone is married there, so that affects it all too. I feel sad, but I need to be able to accept that I have had a good life over here working, better than most back there. Thanks for the notes.

Off-topic, but if anyone hasn't seen "Roger and Me" you've got to see it. Michael Moore fails to find anyone who agrees with him and makes a movie about it.

[Craig krup]

Rubbish. as I already pointed out, I had a friend of 30 years went psychotic from too much MJ and another that I "thought" was a real friend of 20 years that turned out to be a backstabber. Not everything is "my" fault.

As you get older you have more and more questions about the actual nature of identity. Hobbes said that unchecked thoughts are mainly madness, and if people knew the vain thoughts that fly through your mind they would know that you were mad. Hume thought that learning to see yourself as a single person is learned behaviour. It's only familiarity that means you know yourself better than you know other people. You'd have to be pretty strange (or unobservant) not to have caught yourself doing something and then later thinking of a good reason why you did it, which is plausible, but which you weren't conscious of at the time. Everyone's weirder than you think they are, and so are you

If you're interested specifically in the notion of friendship you should read what Aristotle has to say in the Nicomachean Ethics. If you accept his account hardly anyone has any friends. Friends are people who admire one another's good qualities. It's got nothing to do with passing the time, enjoying their company, being useful or anything else.

As you head into the grave you begin to realise that you're on your own, and then you realise that maybe you were never a "you" at all!