USA

[pokoal2000]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

--

Sent from Fast notepad

[pgrahmm]

http://www.forbes.com/sites/timworstall/2014/08/25/britain-is-poorer-than-any-us-state-yes-even-mississippi/

Nice try and no thanks - per Forbes if England were a state it would rank as the poorest - below any of the 50 U.S. states....

That's not exactly an upgrade of any sort for the US.....

[timtscott]

"God save the Queen?" No thanks. Granted we Americans are pretty dysfunctional but one thing we almost universally agree on is our disdain for monarchies, even if they are only ceremonial.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

[kowpot]

Thank you for the offer. But, there are just too many Catholic Irish living in the USA. So, I don't see how it could ever work out.

[NickJ]

No it was not ranked below all 50 States. I read the study. It came about 36th.......

[NeverSure]

It will never work. The Brits couldn't enter the tech age. How would we Americans ever teach them how to pronounce even ONE of these 18,000 new AMERICAN English words properly? Could they ever learn how to use an American invented computer with an American operating system or the American invented internet? Not likely. How would Americans ever mix with people who still write on stone tablets?

Edited February 25, 2016 by NeverSure

[AZBill]

Haha very good! This is why I read this forum!

Edited February 26, 2016 by AZBill

[eaglesflight]

Funny but Andie MacDowell played an American in 4 Weddings didn't she?

2 or 3 American posts confirming they have no sense of humour is also funny.

Edited February 26, 2016 by eaglesflight

[Gsxrnz]

Actually I'd recommend to Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II that rather than revoke the Independence of the American Colony, she should cede the territories to the Canadians. They both play similar sports such as rounders baseball, field ice hockey, and netball basketball. All of which were high school girls games in Mother England - so amalgamation shouldn't be a problem.

Oh.....and in addition to the 15 points mentioned in her Royal Decree, can she please add that the correct spelling of "arse", is in fact......"arse". An ass is and always will be a hoofed mammal of the horse family.

[wow64]

Thank you for the offer. But, there are just too many Catholic Irish living in the USA. So, I don't see how it could ever work out.

I have always found this strange how so many think they are Irish living in America.. Most have never even been there and could not find Ireland on the map.

Sent from my c64

[ivan96822]

The fact that you not only watched "Four Weddings and a Funeral"--but publically mention it--makes your opinion and this topic completely irrelevant.

How asinine...

[50baht]

Next refugee wave to America will be the Brits. You long gave up your country to your servants long ago.

.

[TuskegeeBen]

Thank you for the offer. But, there are just too many Catholic Irish living in the USA. So, I don't see how it could ever work out.

Truer words were never before written

[TuskegeeBen]

Next refugee wave to America will be the Brits. You long gave up your country to your servants long ago.

.

Considering that Islam is currently known to be the fasting growing religion in the U.S., I'd say the chickens are returning home to roost, on both shores.

Can anyone spot the face of the cold-blooded killer, in that photograph?

Edited March 4, 2016 by TuskegeeBen

[NeverSure]

Thank you for the offer. But, there are just too many Catholic Irish living in the USA. So, I don't see how it could ever work out.

I have always found this strange how so many think they are Irish living in America.. Most have never even been there and could not find Ireland on the map.

Sent from my c64

Most Americans couldn't find the UK on a map. They all tried really hard but it's too small to see.

[NeverSure]

Next refugee wave to America will be the Brits. You long gave up your country to your servants long ago.

.

I can see it now. Brits washing up to the US shores in small wooden boats while looking over their shoulders to be sure that they weren't followed. After they are fed some jerky, proper french fries and some proper beer, they'll be put up in tents on Plymouth Rock.

The one thing we know is that cooking will be a job reserved for Americans.

[TIMMOC]

Dear Illustrious British Monarch,

We are in receipt of your recent memo regarding usurpation of the USA. We are extremely flattered by your gracious gesture. We refuse to lend any credence to the wild rumors that this is merely a desperate ploy to shore up an alliance with us and avoid further isolation in the event of a likely Brexit and Scotland’s consequential departure from the UK. No, we take your kind words at face value as a sincere offer to intervene to help us with our all-too-obvious problems.

Far be it from us to quibble endlessly about the particulars of your magnanimous offer, but to avoid any future misunderstandings, we feel obligated to short list a few necessary edits to the proffered exchange:

We will gladly take the British actors, but only if you throw in the British comedians as well. Extra bonus if you thrown in Adele. And consider the dumping of Andie McDowell a done deal.

We will keep our driving on the right side of the road and our gas prices. We do find it quaint and oddly admirable that you seek to be different than most of the world in this particular detail. We imagine it is a point of pride with you and wholeheartedly concur with your bucking the trend. Though left-driving is not for us, we happily will submit to a ban on firearms.

You may keep David Cameron and the Parliament, though we may revisit if Trump is elected President.

With respect to UK cuisine - in other words, chips and beer - we are deeply touched by your concern for our food welfare. Out of respect for Your August Person, we resolve to eating UK food at least once a year, but really (and how can we put this politely), UK food isn’t quite up-to-snuff according to American standards. We will simply have to make do with the hundreds of varieties of tasty, healthy cuisines available here.

With respect to sports, I understand that baseball may be beyond the ken of the average British — all that strategy and what-not — but it really is a sentimental favorite here (and dozens of other countries for that matter) and don’t see how we could forgo it. But to keep you happy, we will give rugby a try and see how it goes. How is it catching on in other countries?

Finally, dear Queen, we have to most respectfully decline your gracious invitation to be our Sovereign. You see, Sir Elton John already resides here much of the year and, as you well know, one British Queen at a time is all we can hope to accommodate.

Ever yours,

Sons & Daughters of Liberty