At Rock Rock Bottom!

[ronw]

Have only just read this post,and I can really empathise with you....as the same thing happened to me after 30 years of marriage......I tried to patch the holes....but once trust is gone.....the marriage is OVER.

A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.....pull out NOW....go find a shyster solicitor....ask around.....there are many of them.....listen hard to what he says.....and do not be provoked into using violence....keep your hand in your pockets at all times....this is SERIOUS advice..

whatever the reasons given by your wife for the situation.....they are immaterial......Pull out, say goodbye...move on!

[skippybangkok]

At the end of the day, there must be respect for each other in relationship. Its clear she has lost it or never had it, and if you let your self be used, it will just get worse.

Respect your self, bite the bullet, and send her packing.

[billzant]

Dear funfunfun,

I was very sorry to read of your heartbreak, and there is very little one can say at this time. I’m sure your user name doesn’t feel so God at the moment.

Firstly the one bit of advice that you don’t want to hear but you should try to get a grip on is that you have plenty of time in your life to get over this heartbreak and do something else. And if you do decide to leave the UK, a very sensible decision in my view, and as there are so many places to go using teaching as a means to travel you would be able to start anew.

Without wishing to cast aspersions on your wife, if she has done this sort of thing once with the Swiss guy she can do it again. You describe her as middle-class, would that not mean that her parents would be furious with her at her behaviour? If she has broken the mould of her own culture, is she not likely to do it again? Are you going to be able to trust someone who has done this to you even if she promises not to do it again? And she hasn’t – as far as you have said. Is there stability in the relationship for you?

Are you going to be happy in a country you don’t want to be in for what little relationship you might get?

I would also feel angry and used if this happened as soon as she obtained the citizenship. However whether you consider she has been using you or not, is this an issue that really matters for you in deciding what you do in the future? You can focus on battling with her about being used, or you can think what is best for you in the future?

I hope that you get something useful from this thread in the hope that you can move forward.

Hope you are keeping well,

All the Best

Bill Z

PS I would support much of the embittered advice I have read in this post- if not the tone, at times like this being practical and protecting yourself is the best way forward.

[Mighty Mouse]

She had never had any kind of boyfriend before me,

– she spent two nights in NY on her own before meeting her friend. During these two nights she met a Swiss man and slept with him (only the second person she has slept with).

She is not in love with the Swiss man, she is in lust with the memory of her second sexual partner.

She was in holiday mood at the time and had a one (or a few) night stand. Does this sound familiar to some of you guys?

The Swiss man probably whispered all the right words into her ear, impressed her and pantsed her. To his credit, he didn't know at the time that she was married and he is now telling her to piss off.

It sounds to me that her life with the OP had become rather boring. The same sexual position whenever they made love, the same conversation each night, the same social activities week in, week out. etc. etc.

Perhaps the OP should have tried to introduce more excitement, more fun, more holidays, more variety into their marriage.

When relationships become boring, couples grow apart.

The trust in this marriage may now be gone, but I have a mate who divorced his wife over a similar situation. She had a further fling with other men after the divorce, but kept in friendly contact with him.

They started dating each other again, re-married and now are the happiest couple, probably more happy with each other than they were before their first marriage.

Strange things can happen with two individuals.

[markuk]

Oh and my wife conveniently will be receiving her British citizenship any day soon!

I would have thought there is a mechanism for you to prevent this now or at least hinder her chances.

[Donz]

I think there is enough advice being posted on this thread. Everyong pretty much says that you need to get out and get out now and dont take anymore crap. No need to read her emails, she has told you and thats all you need to know. If you do have any temptations to try patch things up then come back here and read these posts again so you can balance your thought more.

[OlRedEyes]

23 when you guys shacked up, about 29 now. Just getting citizenship. After 6 years together - no assets and not great salary. Didn't want children now thinking of it.

She may not be bad, but all kinds of clocks ticking in her. Maybe she was commited in the beginning, but now worrying about what the future holds for her with you... There must be a lot in her mind.

Having said that, if you think you are at rock bottom you could be mistaken. If you do not get your own emotions under control and take decisive action things can get a whole lot worse. This must hurt like hel_l, but to try and analyze what went wrong and what could have been done better and what...

You simply have to accept the present, no matter how bad. Forget about what went wrong. It went wrong, thats it. Move on. Forget her family. You'll just prolong and intensify your agony.

[macb]

I think matey reading all the rest and being an expert on divorce in the UK cos I got stupid stamped on me head.

You only being married for short time you can file for divorce using the phrase 'Unreasonable Behavour'. Als consultation with most solicitors is free for the 1st hour.

You get legal seperation then decree absolute after one year.

make the move your still young, put it down to a learning curve

Pm if you want more info or ask on her

Good luck

[Scott]

Best of Luck to you. Your in a difficult situation.

[Noel]

From the wealth of sound advice above, you should now know that the most sensible course of action is for you to move on as soon as possible.

I found it significant that your wife appears to have shown not an iota of regret, let alone remorse. That strongly suggests to me that, in the emotional sense, you mean nothing to her. All you are is a means to her ends, whatever they may be.

From the picture you have painted, her long-term plans most certainly do not include you. The only person she appears to care about is herself, so give her the opportunity to care for herself.

She has betrayed the trust that is the bedrock of any sound relationship. The moment she opened her legs to the Swiss guy, she effectively pronounced your marriage dead. Painful as it might be, get shot of her now.

Move on with your life and do not look back: there is nothing to see...

[t.s]

Well welcome to the club, trust me it's a huge one. Not dealing in reality, no your not and nobody does at first in these situations.

You keep looking for what you did worng and you probably did make some mistakes most of us do, but that doesn't make you a jerk, it only makes you human.

It's intersting for the first time sounds like she is telling you at least some of the truth and you simply don't want to beleive it. It's easier to beleive the lies because they go down better. Why would you want to look at the e-mail she has told you what is happening. What is it now you don't want to believe her?

You have a long road ahead of you just to be in another trusting realtionship and the sooner you get on it the sooner things will be better in your life.

You metioned that you could handle her indescretion if it were only a weekend thing, do you really mean that? Or are you just deciding to be a victim cause you now realize you have no control of this aspect of your life.

I have been through three devoirces and into my fourth marriage. Never once did I get married with the thought of getting devoirced. But I can tell you that today it is until death do us part or the judge signs the documents. Now that is real world.

So I guess the only thing left is did you post this cause you wanted to vent or were you looking for real answers, you've been given the answers. Now it's up to you, by her and the forum members.

You know you just had one of lifes major Butt kickings, you've been knocked on the ground, now you have to decide if you want to be a winner in life or a loser. Will all get knocked down winners gte up and try again losers stay on the ground. Which want do you want to be? It's all up to you. You have only lost control of your life if that is what you have decided.

As long as you stay in that situation you have choosen to stay on the ground. You have shut down any chance of being a winner in life, if don't get off the ground.

Your thinking you will never have love agian, well wake up you haven't had it yet, and your not going to have it there. There will be others in your life and if your lucky you may find one that you love and that loves you pasionately. That may only be for a while but to have lived a life and not to have known that is a true tragedy. Stay there and you have no chance of ever having that.

In the end it's not my life, it' not a forum members and not even your wives, it's yours and it is up to you to decide what you want. Whatever that is you have to put 100% into it and thereare no guarantees, but that is just life for everybody

Good Luck

This post is the post the OP should read very carefully. Couldnt of said it any better.

who are you kidding, you couldn't have said it at all. it exceeds 6 words and doesn't mention your girlfriend or her parents

[Donz]

Well welcome to the club, trust me it's a huge one. Not dealing in reality, no your not and nobody does at first in these situations.

You keep looking for what you did worng and you probably did make some mistakes most of us do, but that doesn't make you a jerk, it only makes you human.

It's intersting for the first time sounds like she is telling you at least some of the truth and you simply don't want to beleive it. It's easier to beleive the lies because they go down better. Why would you want to look at the e-mail she has told you what is happening. What is it now you don't want to believe her?

You have a long road ahead of you just to be in another trusting realtionship and the sooner you get on it the sooner things will be better in your life.

You metioned that you could handle her indescretion if it were only a weekend thing, do you really mean that? Or are you just deciding to be a victim cause you now realize you have no control of this aspect of your life.

I have been through three devoirces and into my fourth marriage. Never once did I get married with the thought of getting devoirced. But I can tell you that today it is until death do us part or the judge signs the documents. Now that is real world.

So I guess the only thing left is did you post this cause you wanted to vent or were you looking for real answers, you've been given the answers. Now it's up to you, by her and the forum members.

You know you just had one of lifes major Butt kickings, you've been knocked on the ground, now you have to decide if you want to be a winner in life or a loser. Will all get knocked down winners gte up and try again losers stay on the ground. Which want do you want to be? It's all up to you. You have only lost control of your life if that is what you have decided.

As long as you stay in that situation you have choosen to stay on the ground. You have shut down any chance of being a winner in life, if don't get off the ground.

Your thinking you will never have love agian, well wake up you haven't had it yet, and your not going to have it there. There will be others in your life and if your lucky you may find one that you love and that loves you pasionately. That may only be for a while but to have lived a life and not to have known that is a true tragedy. Stay there and you have no chance of ever having that.

In the end it's not my life, it' not a forum members and not even your wives, it's yours and it is up to you to decide what you want. Whatever that is you have to put 100% into it and thereare no guarantees, but that is just life for everybody

Good Luck

This post is the post the OP should read very carefully. Couldnt of said it any better.

who are you kidding, you couldn't have said it at all. it exceeds 6 words and doesn't mention your girlfriend or her parents

So here is another one who just cant bare me being a lucky chap. Your life cant really be that bad now can it?

[Berty]

Plenty more fish in the sea mate, Chin up!!!

[Noel]

Well welcome to the club, trust me it's a huge one. Not dealing in reality, no your not and nobody does at first in these situations.

You keep looking for what you did worng and you probably did make some mistakes most of us do, but that doesn't make you a jerk, it only makes you human.

It's intersting for the first time sounds like she is telling you at least some of the truth and you simply don't want to beleive it. It's easier to beleive the lies because they go down better. Why would you want to look at the e-mail she has told you what is happening. What is it now you don't want to believe her?

You have a long road ahead of you just to be in another trusting realtionship and the sooner you get on it the sooner things will be better in your life.

You metioned that you could handle her indescretion if it were only a weekend thing, do you really mean that? Or are you just deciding to be a victim cause you now realize you have no control of this aspect of your life.

I have been through three devoirces and into my fourth marriage. Never once did I get married with the thought of getting devoirced. But I can tell you that today it is until death do us part or the judge signs the documents. Now that is real world.

So I guess the only thing left is did you post this cause you wanted to vent or were you looking for real answers, you've been given the answers. Now it's up to you, by her and the forum members.

You know you just had one of lifes major Butt kickings, you've been knocked on the ground, now you have to decide if you want to be a winner in life or a loser. Will all get knocked down winners gte up and try again losers stay on the ground. Which want do you want to be? It's all up to you. You have only lost control of your life if that is what you have decided.

As long as you stay in that situation you have choosen to stay on the ground. You have shut down any chance of being a winner in life, if don't get off the ground.

Your thinking you will never have love agian, well wake up you haven't had it yet, and your not going to have it there. There will be others in your life and if your lucky you may find one that you love and that loves you pasionately. That may only be for a while but to have lived a life and not to have known that is a true tragedy. Stay there and you have no chance of ever having that.

In the end it's not my life, it' not a forum members and not even your wives, it's yours and it is up to you to decide what you want. Whatever that is you have to put 100% into it and thereare no guarantees, but that is just life for everybody

Good Luck

This post is the post the OP should read very carefully. Couldnt of said it any better.

who are you kidding, you couldn't have said it at all. it exceeds 6 words and doesn't mention your girlfriend or her parents

[Donz]

Well welcome to the club, trust me it's a huge one. Not dealing in reality, no your not and nobody does at first in these situations.

You keep looking for what you did worng and you probably did make some mistakes most of us do, but that doesn't make you a jerk, it only makes you human.

It's intersting for the first time sounds like she is telling you at least some of the truth and you simply don't want to beleive it. It's easier to beleive the lies because they go down better. Why would you want to look at the e-mail she has told you what is happening. What is it now you don't want to believe her?

You have a long road ahead of you just to be in another trusting realtionship and the sooner you get on it the sooner things will be better in your life.

You metioned that you could handle her indescretion if it were only a weekend thing, do you really mean that? Or are you just deciding to be a victim cause you now realize you have no control of this aspect of your life.

I have been through three devoirces and into my fourth marriage. Never once did I get married with the thought of getting devoirced. But I can tell you that today it is until death do us part or the judge signs the documents. Now that is real world.

So I guess the only thing left is did you post this cause you wanted to vent or were you looking for real answers, you've been given the answers. Now it's up to you, by her and the forum members.

You know you just had one of lifes major Butt kickings, you've been knocked on the ground, now you have to decide if you want to be a winner in life or a loser. Will all get knocked down winners gte up and try again losers stay on the ground. Which want do you want to be? It's all up to you. You have only lost control of your life if that is what you have decided.

As long as you stay in that situation you have choosen to stay on the ground. You have shut down any chance of being a winner in life, if don't get off the ground.

Your thinking you will never have love agian, well wake up you haven't had it yet, and your not going to have it there. There will be others in your life and if your lucky you may find one that you love and that loves you pasionately. That may only be for a while but to have lived a life and not to have known that is a true tragedy. Stay there and you have no chance of ever having that.

In the end it's not my life, it' not a forum members and not even your wives, it's yours and it is up to you to decide what you want. Whatever that is you have to put 100% into it and thereare no guarantees, but that is just life for everybody

Good Luck

This post is the post the OP should read very carefully. Couldnt of said it any better.

who are you kidding, you couldn't have said it at all. it exceeds 6 words and doesn't mention your girlfriend or her parents

It was funny though i have to admit.

[PhilHarries]

lawyers will not be involved. We really really have no assets - a grand and a half in debt but no assets and no mortgage. Apart from what ive outlined in the original post my wife is genuinely one of the most honest and decent peole i have ever met.

No one has said but another has alluded to the reason for her split and you won't like it.

Think about it, you are now 33 and she is 29 and you have no assets plus a grand and a half debt. She is approaching 30, an age where women particularly start looking for future stability. I seem to remember that you said she didn't want to go to the UK but went with you when you returned because your mother was ill. So I think it wasn't the UK citizenship that she was after but maybe she believed the old Thai line that all farangs are rich and couldn't cope with the reality.

She's a gold digger that's gone down a blind adit. Was her spending the reason for your debt?

You said she was one of the most honest people you know. Bovine scatology! She cheated on you and covered it up for six months.

I really feel for you and can, to an extent, understand your feelings at this time but you need to read and take the overwhelming amount of advice and get out fast. You talk about getting work out of the UK. Don't talk about it ,DO IT sooner rather than later. Tell her that, in addition to the divorce, she needs to start looking for accommodation. DO NOT let her divorce you and live in the same house. How do you think you'll feel those night she goes out and doesn't return untill the following morning. If you feel bad now what the hel_l are you going to feel like then?

I just wish you the best of British and as several others have said go out get pissed and get over it.

[MiG16]

I totally agree with all the other posters who have advised you to get over her and move on. trust me, this coming from a woman...who usually would take the side of women over men in most cases. but in this case, i dont see how i can sympathise with her. whichever way i look at it, theres nothing left in it for you.

sorry to have to be blunt, but in situation such as this when we are still in denial and disbelief...the blunt way is the best. would hurt as heck, but has to be done

and yes I know you said you are not looking for advice, but it doesnt hurt to listen and read to what others have said. one day when you sit down to think about it all properly, some of these advice may come handy.

my advice is -- dont leave things too long. its gotta be done, whatever you decide to do, so might as well make it soon. and yes you are the one who has to decide how and what you will do, but make sure it is not to do nothing.

i really wish you the best.

[a2396]

In the future don't get legally married again, at least not without a pre-nup. This marrigage game has often turned into a rip-off scheme that usually benefits women who have contributed little or nothing to the relationship. Permenent romantic situations are rare these days and you should take precautions to protect your assets, emotional and financial.

[Peterpan]

If you leave it too long to file for a divorce and she does it behind your back then she has got you on a hook. When the divorce is granted 6 weeks later the final decree absolute will be issued but YOU can not get it unless she requests hers. Believe me I have been waiting 6 years for mine.

I was away working when I got my divorce papers, she filed for it the Algerian bitch as soon as her British passport was issued. You brought her to the UK so now protect yourself quickly.

My EX wants money for the decree absolute, sorry got none, dont work in UK dont Bank in UK and dont live there. Money will bring the best out of people and a judge doesnt give a crap for you.

If she cant support her self you will be doing it.

I suggest what one of the other people said, Get in touch with the Home office, via your lawyer and get it it stopped.

They dont need your wifes passport only photo copies

Peterpan

[GuestHouse]

I suggest what one of the other people said, Get in touch with the Home office, via your lawyer and get it it stopped.

Good advice here, but be careful.

Burried within the text of the rules governing the award of Citizenship are clauses that cover 'Break Down of Relationship'.

If you are no longer married, or are filing for divorce then a notification to that effect will stop her being issued with UK Citizenship.

But there is a get out clause for her. If she claims she is the victim of domestic violence she can then claim her citizenship regardless of your statement.

So don't make this move without talking to a lawyer.

My advice would be GET HER OUT OF YOUR HOUSE BEFORE SHE THROWS YOU OUT.

OK, it might be a rented house, but she'll take it, the deposit, the furnature and the roof over your head.

Go see a lawyer and get rid of her.

[udon]

Donzo

This post is the post the OP should read very carefully. Couldnt of said it any better.

t.s.

who are you kidding, you couldn't have said it at all. it exceeds 6 words and doesn't mention your girlfriend or her parents

or hi-so :D Touche!

[fruittbatt]

fun, fun, fun,

the heart-breaking bottom line is that your wife has stated that she does not love you.

She has also suggested an "open marriage" as a means for her to transit smoothly to the next man without having to face herself or the way in which she has treated you. This behaviour means that she really does not care how you feel, and that she is merely concerned to protect her own emotions.

While your wife may be considerate and gentle, she has no real capacity (YET) for loving another human being for themselves. The Swiss guy was simply "greener pasture" for her. She evidently did not know him at all well, except through his steamy text messages/emails. If she had known him well, she would have realised that he did not share her infatuation. He was merely a peg on which she could hang/project her fantasies.

The problem with your wife is that she has never grown up emotionally. I suspect you may be rather like this too. Her ruthless behaviour toward you does not necessarily make her a "b*tch", but it DOES mean that in her confused desire to protect her own emotional well-being, YOU WILL BE HURT REPEATEDLY FOR AS LONG AS YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY HER GAME. And that hurt will be harder to bear and longer-lasting than if you opt for your independence.

Ultimately, we all have only ourselves. We came into the world alone and will die alone. No one can "do" life for us. It's up to each of us to make of it what we will. I learned rather late in life that there are many people in this world who want you to "do" life, thinking, and loving for them, while they sit back and either enjoy or bitch about the ride. That's when I stopped taking on passengers and flew solo instead. When I had become a better navigator and thinker, I was lucky enough to meet a co-pilot. I wish you the same happiness after your marriage becomes a memory.

Edited November 6, 2006 by fruittbatt

[jing jing]

I will add another vote in the "seek legal advice and get rid of her immediately" column.

One thing that hasn't yet been mentioned is her phone containing all the text messages -- that right there is powerful evidence of her infidelity which could prove invaluable in any future legal dispute over the reasons for the breakup, i.e. her possibly claiming domestic violence as a precipitating factor.

funfunfun, you really need to snap out of the blind lovestruck stupor you seem to be in and face up to the fact that, as ray23 said, you have just gotten a major league butt kicking and your response to it will determine whether you move on as a winner or get trampled over as a (please forgive my bluntness) rather pathetic loser.

[TAWP]

Ps. Secure phone-records of her calls to make sure you have all the evidence, so it doesn't turn into a he-said-she-said-deal Ds.

[funfunfun]

Can i just thank everyone for their comments, the vast majority have been constructive and have helped me see this situation clearer. I do appreciate the time people have spent.

Im not sure yet what im going to do, but most likely is that i will move away within the next 4 weeks (korea/japan??)- put some distance between us and hope that in her case absense makes the heart grow fonder. Realistically that wont happen but at least we will both be able to move on easier - I do intend to always remain in touch with her though, and on good terms.

We will see!

Thanks again

Fun

[britmaveric]

Time to move on. She's made her bed, so let her lie in it. Keep evidence of the relationship with the swiss lad though for proof of infidelity. I see little she can do to you to be quite honest.

Seek a barrister advice though to be certain and good luck!

Edited November 6, 2006 by britmaveric

[guardian]

One thing that no one has asked so far and which might be relevant is about her background before you married her. Where did you meet her and what type of job was she doing (if any)?

[bkkmadness]

One thing that no one has asked so far and which might be relevant is about her background before you married her. Where did you meet her and what type of job was she doing (if any)?

I don't think that has any relevance, does it?

[qualtrough]

As everyone else has said, dump her and move on. Now that you know how deceptive she can be you should be re-examining everything you thought you knew about her, including that you were the first, he was the second, etc. & etc. You should also get tested to be sure she hasn't given you any unwanted souvenirs from her visit to the US.

[mittheimp]

One thing that no one has asked so far and which might be relevant is about her background before you married her. Where did you meet her and what type of job was she doing (if any)?

If you had read the original post then you would see that the kind of 'girl and background' you are alluring to is not the case here! Not that i really see the relevance either!

"She had never had any kind of boyfriend before me, comes from a middle class Thai family and has a very good education. We have lived in the UK since marrying – and she has got on very well, has a professional job"