Relationship Advice Needed

[listenup]

I’ve read a few threads of men needing advice with there relationships and have been impressed with the advice some of you have posted.

Firstly, I feel ashamed I have to ask for advice on a public forum. However, I have none else to turn to that would understand. I would have asked my mates back home, but they would just say “leave her man, it will be ok”. I could also have asked my family for advice, but I don’t want to worry them.

Here goes:

I met my girlfriend a year ago, put her into Beauty school which lasted a year and has just finished. Over the last 6 months things have been getting bad, really bad. She argues with me in public, has tried killing herself either by drinking bleach or attempting to jump of the balcony, has punched me full blown in the face and has also said some very nasty things. We mostly argue over the littlest of things like me asking what she wants for dinner or I say no if she wants me to buy her something. I would guess we have 3 big arguments per week, the other times we get along ok, apart from my social life has stopped. She threatens that she will do something stupid if I go out, so instead we have an argument and I normally just sit on my PC. I’m too scared to go out in case she does something stupid.

So, you are probably thinking “get out of there” … If only it was that easy.

I wanted to wait until she had left school until I did something about it, as I know she could not support herself without me, she also doesn’t know anyone in Bangkok.

The biggest hurdle is that her hair is falling out, big time. She has got some dieses that the doctors can not cure, it’s just a matter of waiting until it gets better. I have tried to help, taking her to 3 doctors in Bangkok and a specialist in Singapore. But they all say the same, nothing they can do. To be honest, I feel sorry for her. She feels that she is no longer beautiful, which I can completely understand.

She has also said that she will hunt me down if I leave her, which will be easy as she knows where I work. She said that if I brake up with her she will make sure I’m on TV (Don’t know exactly what she meant by this but I’m sure you get the idea.)

I care for her, as I would anyone I have spent a year with. But I do know that it’s not going to last so I want out. I just want to be happy and enjoy life.

Any thought on how I can handle this?

[bkkmadness]

She's gotta leave, or you have to leave. As much as you feel sorry for her she's threatening your life isn't she?

Edited November 6, 2006 by bkkmadness

[warriors]

Give your notice at work and leave the country for 3 months till the dust settles.

Your life is worth more than $$$$$.

It will be hard but do it.

When you come back if you ever do then you will be wiser over the facts

[fruittbatt]

Your girlfriend's behaviour is obviously very very unwell and extreme. It sounds to me as if she has alopaecia, ie hair falling out unaccountably. Stress often makes this condition much worse. Certain drugs can cause this condition. Your girlfriend's rages and self-harming actions may also be drug-induced. Is she into yaa baa? Worth checking out.

Meanwhile, this young woman needs help. She seems to suffer from extreme jealousy and paranoia, as well as a total lack of emotional control. Her self-harming actions and threats to you are very serious.

IMHO you need to protect yourself by ending the situation as soon as possible, and to put her in good safe hands. Where is her family? Do you have any contact with them? Can you get her to go to a doctor with you to discuss her issues? or a strong counsellor? I wish I could be of more help, but that's about it ....All the very best

[VanZam]

Your gf is crying out for help, the attempted suicides, the threats in your direction etc. You trying to stay out of her way is probably making the situation worse.

Suicide attempts need to be treated very seriously, and although I can't give any diagnosis without seeing her, it sounds like she is suffering from severe form of depression.

I strongly suggest you seek professional help for her, as often there is nowhere to go but down.

PM me for further discussion.

Van.

[King Dong]

Stock up on bleach

[VanZam]

Thats a pretty nasty comment. Bad form.

[bkkmadness]

Come on, it was pretty funny.

Lets take the other viewpoint here, the suicide attempts aren't real and she's trying to emotionally blackmail the guy with them.

[ThaiPauly]

GET OUT ...you seem to have gone over the top to help her

I have been in a similar situation..except that instead of drinking the bleach the biatch would throw it at ME!!

I GOT OUT...and I really suggest you do the same.

[britmaveric]

Leave and do so quickly. She is obviously unstable and this is putting your own life at risk. Think about yourself.

[ling men]

If your girl is starting big arguments over the smallest of things then its really down to something else ie. her state of mind cos her hair falling out. She might be insecure about it or maybe she's struggling st her school. Either way you shouldn't rise to the bait and argue back. She's probably just trying to get a reaction from you and if you stop reacting to the outbursts they will probably stop.

It sounds like she is in a bad way and you have been with her for a year so you should at least make some effort to help her. If you ask on this forum for advice on what help to give her you will get something stupid like buy her a wig or a couple of hats. If you take her to a councellor he/she will be understand her probelms and be able to help.

In the mean time you could try buying her a couple of hats and tell her she looks great in them.

[Cigarette Burn]

A few people here have suggested leaving the country, i don't believe this is a viable option for the OP as i believe he ownes his own company here and is quite firmly rooted. Besides that, why should he leave if he wants to live here?

I hope it goes well for you mate.

PS. cheers for the PM about the other thing.

[mazo]

Wow man i do feel for you i would advise you to try to get her to go see a doctor It sounds like depression to me i sufer from bi polar depression and my mood swings can be unbearable for my partner. I keep it in check with meds but every now and then it gets that bad i just can not cope with anything. The hair falling out is a classic sighn of stress more comon in woman than men you can get depression at any time in you life but some pepole are more susceptible than others. I see doctor kavi suvarnakich at the bumrungrad in bangkok by the sounds of it she does need help the doctor will probley give her some antidepressants. pepole have difrent views on antidepressant but they have helped me although i had a tough time finding the right ones for me. I will say though living with someone with a illness like this is not easy ask my wife we do live a normal life we have a 3 month old baby and are veray happy at the moment but i have an illness and we have to live with that you have ask yourself can you ?. I have my illness for life i know that now but some pepole do get over depression and never suffer again so she might but she does need help. I will also add that depression rarely comes on its own i get real bad anxiety to a talking therapy should go hand in hand with the meds to get to the root of the problem but i dont know how easy it is to get in thailand i know its darn hard to get even in the uk i had to wait six months for c.b.t if you look in the health forum on thai visa they have some threads runing on this subject. So try to get her to the doctors to get a proper diagnoses but be warned there is not magic wand if she has got a mental illness the road will be hard i would not wish this on my worst enemy seriously

some links that may help

http://www.crazymeds.org/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/?sectionid=6

http://brain.hastypastry.net/forums/

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/index.php

http://www.healingwell.com/community/

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/index.php

good luck if you want any help just pm me

[GuestHouse]

Stocking up on bleach is one option, another might be greasing the balcony.

But to be honest, I'd just put her in the car, take her home to her parents and leave her there.

Hair dropping out or not, threatening to kill herself is the worst kind of emotional blackmail, and it's not something that she suddenly dreamed up.

Do yourself, and her a favour - break it off, break the dependency.

Move on.

[ColPyat]

I don't know if you are in Thailand.

If you are, you should speak with her family, and think about getting her committed into a mental institution such as the Somdej Chao Praya hospital, an excellent place with very qualified doctors. She seems to be a danger to herself and others in her present state of mind. This is beyond what amateur relationship advice on an internet board can possibly handle.

If you are not in Thailand you should notify the nearest Thai embassy, which could support you by notifying their social workers or other affiliated organisations. It is very common that Thais do get into such problems, and Thai embassies are aware of this.

Do seek professional help ASAP!

[GuestHouse]

CopyCat has a point.

"A danger to herself and to others".. Do not wind up being 'The Other".

[bkkmadness]

CopyCat has a point.

"A danger to herself and to others".. Do not wind up being 'The Other".

Look what happened to Henry Gale.

Joking aside it's a fair point, you dont wanna be a topic in the news forum after getting stabbed by the angry wife.

So we know that leaving a job is impractical. From your point of view do you think she would actually carry out these threats or is just calling your bluff?

[mazo]

Some of the replys you guys have posted are a good reason not to ask advice about personal subjects on the forums . Please try to get her some help if she refuses to do so then you have to make a decision to live in a veray unhappy way or leave. I dont think by the way she is acting she is just going to click back in to the the girl you knew. I personally think if you dont get real help and i mean real help things will get that bad you will get that sick of it you will leave anyway and it could end up in a veray messy way. There must be some reason why she is acting out of character try to find out why

Edited November 6, 2006 by mazo

[deon]

I would have to say that i agree with mazo,here on this one. If anything i would say its her hair falling out as you have said , and as she is worrying about it and that could even make it worse .

Edited November 6, 2006 by deon

[TheAceFace]

Its not doing yourself any good mate staying with her no matter how much you care for her, do try and get her help and try and speak with her friends and family as they maybe able to help you with the burden.

However lightly the emotional blackmail is, it is still there and will just do your head in.

Was she a bit unstable when you first met? Yaa Baa is also a poss?

Hope it works out for ya pal.

[udon]

Amazing, innit.

Three topics abt relationships that have gone, or are going tits up and these guys are too stupid to take notice of the advice offered.

Why do they bother???

Talk to a lawyer NOW! & don't waste our time.

[Mighty Mouse]

It's a sad case, but I suppose we can look on the bright side, by drinking bleach she will at least have sparkling, clean teeth.

Sorry, It's a serious subject but if you ask opinions from complete strangers in this type of forum, you are sure to get some idiotic replies such as mine.

[Beavis and Butthead]

I'm thinking you are a troll but in the case that you are not, here is your advice:

Go to CD Warehouse and buy the movie "Sunset Boulevard". This is a 1950 movie but timeless and very relevant in your case. It is ranked #30 on IMDB for good reason. Watch this movie from beginning to end. It will enlighten you and you'll figure out what to do after you see it.

Edited November 6, 2006 by Beavis and Butthead

[ThaiPauly]

He has been around 2 long 2 be a troll. in fact I know he is not one.

However I must echo what Udon has said.

If Op's are NOT going to heed advice given then why bother posting?

As the saying goes "Shit or get off the pot"

[a2396]

Compared to many of these guys, such as this case, my life in LOS with the scamming ladies is a picnic. I guess I should stop complaining (for awhile).

[Rumourz]

I'd always try to look at both side of the stories. We never know what is her side of the story. Maybe OP provoke her into such situation that she would use drinking bleach to threat him. Remember, unknowingly we always hurt the one we love and care about- I don't know why.

OP, if she is the one starting a fight, you just have to keep quiet/cool then there will be no fight. Fights started when both party are defensive. After one hour or so, she would shut up or she felt no point in fighting. Try to talk to her when her mood is better. Talk to her about to move on or to reconcile. You have to decide. No one can make final decission for you. The choice is in your hands.

[PhilHarries]

I agree with mazo, we are talking about the lives of real people here and it is not a subject for bar room analysts, you need professional help. Problem will be getting her to go to see a doctor, maybe you could find a specialist who does home visits.

Anyway best of luck for the future.

[listenup]

Thanks for some great advice, especially those highlighting the serious problems she has. The main reason for posting was to get some "out side the box" advice as it's not always clear when you are in side that box. Does that make sense?

Anyway, after reading the advice I do have a plan:

I will take Mazo's (many thanks!) great advice and take her to the doctor at Bumregrad. I go home at xmas so she will head up to Udon and spend time with her family. If I don't see an improvement by then I have no option to leave her. I just need to sort out work issues now, which is not easy. Maybe take a month off to see if she visits my office, I can always work in a starbucks somewhere.

Once again, thanks for the advice and the PM's I have received. There are some great people on this forum, (with its fair share of idiots!).

Mods – Please close this thread.

[chiang mai]

I was really sorry to hear your tale - I know how difficult it can be to see things clearly when you have been in the relationship for a year or more and you obviously care. My take on all of this is in three parts:

1) you are at risk, as is she but you are the one who is asking for help not her therefore my advise is directed to you - get yourself out of the firing line and very quickly. Even long term expats here who think they understand Thai culture often get nasty surprises when it comes to the emotional and phsycological aspects of Thai females.

2) Her problems seem to be a mixture of the physical and emotional - ask yourself how far you can go in a country such as Thailand in successfully treating them. If you were in the West it would be an easier challenge but you are not. You have tried from the sounds of things to seek appropriate help but ask yourself how much further can you go and how much money are you prepared to spend on this issue.

3) If she is to the point of physical violence and attempted suicide (real or just a cry for help) then the situation is well advanced and highly dangerous for YOU. If you chose not to get out then you need to get these events and their associated facts documented with some form of authority such as the Police. If the very worst happens and I hope it does not, you need to make sure you are not the one facing a jail term as a result.

Hope that helps

Good luck.

[Simmo]

Had a friend in a similar situation with a "bunny boiler" deranged Thai girlfriend. He rang me late one night and said he was doing a runner on her and would have to break off all contact for a few months as he didn't want to give her any clue where he was going. When she woke up in the morning he'd cleaned out with just a bag of clothes, wallet and passport leaving everything else.

She was frantic for 2 weeks of course, constantly ringing me and his other friends , searching his known haunts & even taking trips to Hua Hin , Pattaya & other places asking hotels, guesthouses and bars if he'd been there! A week after that I saw her with a new boyfriend at a hotel bar. He came back after another month by which time she had her hooks deep in milking off the next sucker and had all but forgotten about my friend.

Now he's got a far better girlfriend and doing well in business. I even managed to get a fair amount of his stuff back of the pshyco including 1 months apartment deposit.