Gay Basher?

[Rc2702]

Hi, let me know what you think of this please.

 

My younger brother is gay he is 7 years younger than me he came out on his 18th. He only ever worked as a waiter in restaurants he's done it globally he declines promotions he don't like responsibility at all and I mean all his friends are girls I am certain  the guy does not have 1 close male friend. He has never had a boyfriend he takes a few class a's now and then nothing to concern about I hope but he does drink a fair bit which seems like the "lifestyle" for this industry "mothers words not mine"

 

He lived with me for a short while in london and I noticed he used the grinder app but this guy was on it way too much I thought and kept shooting off for an hour here and there whenever he had time. His friend who stayed over once just said. That's all he ever does unless he hooks up out clubbing, he always does I knew this.

 

Imagine you got a friend like this tell me your thoughts? 10 years on do at 28 with no sniff if a relationship during that whole time. I would love to see the guy just date a guy for a while and get out of that disposable lifestyle. This guy treats men like a disposable razor. Use once jobs. Understand every now and then a blow out a new notch 3 weekends in a row but 10 years of meaningless sex with random people?

 

Sorry about the title I need some feedback so I thought it may work.

 

Yes soz I'm not a fan of grammar either.

 

 

[Oxx]

What's the problem? He's having fun.  With most monogamous relationships the frequency of having sex falls off after a year or two.

 

He reminds me of a good friend of mine who was a very busy boy until his early thirties.  He them met someone and moved in with him.  They're now married and monogamous.  At the same time he trained to be a teacher, and now holds a senior position in a private school.

 

My principal concern would be safe sex - particularly if he's mixing his drug taking with sex.

[isanbirder]

Plenty  of people like that, OP.

 

Some eventually find a steady partner, some never do.  Aren't there  'straight' people like that too?

[Jingthing]

He's enjoying his youth. If he's still like that at 35, then you'd have a point. 

[orchis]

it is entirely up to him, at any age, it might be unskilful but you cannot tell people what to do.

Edited September 10, 2016 by orchis
expanded

[Jingthing]

Agreed. It's up to him. No need for everyone to conform to external expectations. I recently heard Whoopi Goldberg speak to that. It's her choice to avoid relationships. Respect it.

[Rc2702]

Well just seems a bit odd the one time use aspect I mean if it were any good surely you go back for 2nd's and so on?

 

Straight gay etc if the person is someone you care about the concerns would be the same. Respect it, no not really a person who seems incapable of personal development on an emotional level and views other people as merely a f u ck is not progressing. I mean this guy has done the same thing since day 1. Is he happy. Very much doubt it but alcohol and a bit of cheng can liven things up I guess. Seems like some type of addiction to me. But of course your all right it is his choice or is it?

 

 

[Jingthing]

It's his life.

[Oxx]

14 hours ago, Rc2702 said:

Well just seems a bit odd the one time use aspect I mean if it were any good surely you go back for 2nd's and so on?

 

Why? The second time would almost certainly be a letdown.  Both parties will put more effort into their performance the first time.  After that it's all downhill.

 

Also, there's a question of novelty.  Being with someone new has a thrill of its own.  I rather suspect it's the same with pornography:  people would rather watch something new, than watch the same scene again and again.

 

You seem to have a presumption that he should conform to a heterosexual stereotype - one that is driven by child creation and rearing.  His life isn't constrained by those factors.

[orchis]

15 hours ago, Rc2702 said:

Well just seems a bit odd the one time use aspect I mean if it were any good surely you go back for 2nd's and so on?

 

Straight gay etc if the person is someone you care about the concerns would be the same. Respect it, no not really a person who seems incapable of personal development on an emotional level and views other people as merely a f u ck is not progressing. I mean this guy has done the same thing since day 1. Is he happy. Very much doubt it but alcohol and a bit of cheng can liven things up I guess. Seems like some type of addiction to me. But of course your all right it is his choice or is it?

 

 

 

It is your brother so you might be more familiar with his situation than readers on a public forum, somehow try to make sure that you are there for him if there is an issue. 
 

[Rc2702]

1 hour ago, Jingthing said:

It's his life.

really? Never!

[Jingthing]

Yeah. I would agree. Be a good brother. It's not your role to change him. If he wants to change, it's got to come from him. Expressing judgments towards his behavior won't be helpful. I'm guessing he already knows you judge him negatively so good luck with that. 

[Rc2702]

19 minutes ago, orchis said:

 

It is your brother so you might be more familiar with his situation than readers on a public forum, somehow try to make sure that you are there for him if there is an issue. 
 

Outsider looking through the window unfortunately come on you know the script it's all "yeah i'm fine" facebook crap. Honestly I think he is a joke and all those "friends" look great on pictures but when he did need something funny how it was me he came to and then the little blighter screwed me for the sake of his friend. I took the high Road and said thanks mate don't worry if you need help again I will be here. What was it Sam smith said? Grinder should be banned it ruins romance - kind of like a take away service for sex, very basic needs really.

[Rc2702]

1 hour ago, Oxx said:

 

Why? The second time would almost certainly be a letdown.  Both parties will put more effort into their performance the first time.  After that it's all downhill.

 

Also, there's a question of novelty.  Being with someone new has a thrill of its own.  I rather suspect it's the same with pornography:  people would rather watch something new, than watch the same scene again and again.

 

You seem to have a presumption that he should conform to a heterosexual stereotype - one that is driven by child creation and rearing.  His life isn't constrained by those factors.

Have to disagree entirely first time is usually the tip of the iceberg. Re: porn I actually look for the same content or I did. American psycho book springs to mind lol I once knew a nurse who kept a copy by her bedside so she could "fantasise" on a particular segment of the book.

 

I think your dragging heterosexuality into it when the real issue is the inability to sustain friendships/relationships regardless of orientation. If this was a guy/girl situation the guy would be a dog and the girl a slut or something like that. Self confessed or not at some point the same thing continually, stops being a novelty and for me became rather boring and very shallow. I got to the point when I stopped looking for pretty women and went for something more challenging let's say. Many moons ago.

 

Thanks to the contributors too and I mean that I value feedback very highly whether I agree or not. 

 

 

[Jingthing]

But you're imposing your values on him. If he starts to feel what he's doing is empty, then if it's not too late, he'll do something about it. I don't think there is anything you can do about this except to let him know that Big Brother is there for him regardless. 

 

On the other hand, if you think he's abusing your concern,  exploiting you for money,. etc. then it would be reasonable to put your foot down about that.

 

If he was doing something extreme, as in criminal, as in hurting other people, it would be different. Some of those guys he's playing with probably are interested in getting to know him  but if ghosted after one meeting, it's doubtful there is any long term damage to them.

 

As far as the drinking, I'm not sure about that. If he's an alcoholic it might be worth posting on the Drink Too Much forum and ask if there is anything you can do as a concerned brother about that.

 

Edited September 11, 2016 by Jingthing

[Rc2702]

38 minutes ago, Jingthing said:

Yeah. I would agree. Be a good brother. It's not your role to change him. If he wants to change, it's got to come from him. Expressing judgments towards his behavior won't be helpful. I'm guessing he already knows you judge him negatively so good luck with that. 

A good brother no never I would not spend my time being concerned or seeking advice if I did that? Drugs + alcohol + unsociable hours job ( a job many young people do at uni etc) is not a good pathway long term IMO and I formed that from his actions nor based on his sexuality. The only reason I came on here is that is the one thing I felt he identified as more than anything. Take his orientation out of the question and I doubt the feedback would be the same in many ways. So you are right I do view him negatively at present and I know too well imposing those views will not benefit, so the first post on this topic is where my optimism wants to be but I do wonder how many get there and how many people could have contributed to the flips side of that coin but it's his life as you say. Good brother! Seriously a good brother/person cares and loves my heart is always in the right place it is my thoughts/brain (reality) that sought some feedback.

[Jingthing]

You need to accept that there is good chance he won't ever change. Do you still want that brother because that brother may well be the only brother you're ever going to have. 

[Jingthing]

2 minutes ago, JHolmesJr said:

Where a guy wants to stick his pee pee is nobody's business but his own.

Of course, but it's kind of sweet that big brother wants his little brother to be happy. But he's imposing his view of what makes people happy, which may indeed be the popular mainstream view, on his brother, and it might NOT be what makes his brother happy. 

 

With the passage of marriage equality laws, gay people now have the CHOICE to be "hetero-normative" and settle down with hubby and even babies in the house with the white picket fence. But it's not REQUIRED. 

Edited September 11, 2016 by Jingthing

[Rc2702]

3 minutes ago, Jingthing said:

You need to accept that there is good chance he won't ever change. Do you still want that brother because that brother may well be the only brother you're ever going to have. 

I have 2 brothers both younger but one of them the youngest gets special treatment whereas middle brother gets overlooked does not get taken seriously never did but that's another matter. I really like the guy I just wish he had not quit college at 18 I wish he had more interests besides drinking excessively I wish he could take himself a bit more seriously because I know he has ability.

 

A good friend of mine is my shining example but the truth is he is 1 in a million or maybe right place right time but he once got a managers job in a bar for a very well known government funded tv channel's private bar. Within 2 years he was working for said tv channel in a management capacity overseeing all his colleagues who had degrees. He went from regional to london (national base) to Manchester (new national base)and to this day 10 odd years on he still works there and does very well. He developed a drink issue but he beat it. It's the drink that I'm worried about the most and paired with his choice of work I think it is akin to an alcoholic bar owner. 

[Oxx]

20 minutes ago, Rc2702 said:

I just wish he had not quit college at 18 I wish he had more interests besides drinking excessively I wish he could take himself a bit more seriously

 

The Lord Buddha taught about the cause of pain and suffering.  It boils down to "attachment".  In this case you are attached to the way you think your brother should be living his life.  Let go of that attachment, your expectations, and the pain will abate.

 

All you can hope to control is your own life.  Not his.

[Jingthing]

34 minutes ago, Rc2702 said:

I have 2 brothers both younger but one of them the youngest gets special treatment whereas middle brother gets overlooked does not get taken seriously never did but that's another matter. I really like the guy I just wish he had not quit college at 18 I wish he had more interests besides drinking excessively I wish he could take himself a bit more seriously because I know he has ability.

 

A good friend of mine is my shining example but the truth is he is 1 in a million or maybe right place right time but he once got a managers job in a bar for a very well known government funded tv channel's private bar. Within 2 years he was working for said tv channel in a management capacity overseeing all his colleagues who had degrees. He went from regional to london (national base) to Manchester (new national base)and to this day 10 odd years on he still works there and does very well. He developed a drink issue but he beat it. It's the drink that I'm worried about the most and paired with his choice of work I think it is akin to an alcoholic bar owner. 

I meant the specific brother you were referring to. He may never change. In fact, I'd say the odds are he won't. As far as the drinking, maybe there is some kind of intervention that might help. I don't know about that. Perhaps post on the Drink Too Much forum there and ask the people there is there is something you could do that would be constructive.

 

Cheers. 

[Rc2702]

You are right maybe alcohol and substance abuse are the catalysts..

 

 

[samuijimmy]

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