Feeling Hard Done By.

[mark henry]

It's nearly time again when i must go to my bank and part with around £250. which will wing it's way to my wifes family in Bangkok. I give them 5000 Baht a month and send it every 3 months (keeps the cost of sending it down). The money helps in part to support my wifes Daughter go through college and support the family in general, which is very reasonable and fine i quess.

I would'nt say they are dirt poor, they live in what my wife terms a "slum" a mixture of corricated iron, wood and brick which they built them selves a room on top of a room kind of affair situated in a long dark and very dirty allyway off a main road, quite a shock to see the first time. They have all mod cons so it's not so bad i thinks. However i'm rambling a bit the point of my post is that i feel considerable pain when i must part with this money! not sure why, i'm in no way i high earner so it is quite a lot of money for me. To make it worse i have never had one thankyou from any of them in the three years i'v been married, i know it's not part of their culture but it is mine!

I also choose to send the wifes Daughter a Birthday card and a £1000 Baht every year again never had a thankyou and when we go Thailand at the end of the month my wifes Daughter and her Sister have agreed to have our 18 month old Son for a bit again i must give a little money or at least a gift to them (i'v not been told this i just know it's expected!).

When i think i'v already paid a sinsod (that it cetainly is, a sod!), engage gold, air fares and so on i some times feel a little hard done by; what do other folk feel about this? am i being a tight git? or do you think i'm just a little justified in feeling hard done by? How else could i view/percieve this so that i feel better about it? I am interested to know how others feel so let me know.

Cheers Mark

[leisurely]

First I would ask why you posted it in the pets and vets section, secondly I would ask why your wife and child aren't with you in Thailand/.

[jdinasia]

You aren't a victim .... you are a volunteer.

[ashacat]

Don't know where to start on this one!!!!

[Casanundra]

You are far more generous than me.

My view is that the wife's obligation to her family is her obligation and not mine and it was something we discussed and agreed on before we got married. It's never been a problem for us in the two years we have been married and the rule is the wife does with 'her' money what she wants but what we do with 'our money' is a different matter altogether.

My view was and always will be this. When she starts sending money to my parents in the UK (which is far more expensive than it is here) then I will start sending money to her family here but as both of these events are never likely to happen then I am onto a non starter. I am not being tight either, just sensible!

Each to their own of course and if you are happy being the supportive type to her family then that's cool too but I believe the success to a Thai marriage in particular is that you have to set rules at the beginning and never waiver from them lest they exploit you for it.

Edited November 3, 2006 by Casanundra

[mark henry]

First I would ask why you posted it in the pets and vets section, secondly I would ask why your wife and child aren't with you in Thailand/.

oops pets and vets how'd i manage that? To be honest i don't know how to post i just go to some one elses post any and go to new topic.

I'm not in Thailand!!!! i'm here in Blighty with them, we are all going end of the month if thats what you mean.

[mark henry]

You are far more generous than me.

My view is that the wife's obligation to her family is her obligation and not mine and it was something we discussed and agreed on before we got married. It's never been a problem for us in the two years we have been married and the rule is the wife does with 'her' money what she wants but what we do with 'our money' is a different matter altogether.

My view was and always will be this. When she starts sending money to my parents in the UK (which is far more expensive than it is here) then I will start sending money to her family here but as both of these events are never likely to happen then I am onto a non starter. I am not being tight either, just sensible!

Each to their own of course and if you are happy being the supportive type to her family then that's cool too but I believe the success to a Thai marriage in particular is that you have to set rules at the beginning and never waiver from them lest they exploit you for it.

Thanks for that, sounds like you done the right thing getting the grounds rules sorted from the start. The wife and i have a loose agreement (one i made really) that when she gets a job she can send the money home. But as we've a very kid me thinks it will be some time before that happens!

[manjara]

Don't know where to start on this one!!!!

Mark, I would set up an account and pay money into it monthly automatically, so that you only part with 80 quid a month, then get your bank to do a standing order every 3 months to transfer the money to Thailand. That'll make it much easier, coz you won't see the money.

5000 baht is about the minimum you could send and have an impact. Don't expect a thankyou, but look for signs of respect when you go to Thailand. They will respect you for taking care of the family.

Alternatively, why not move out to Thailand, you'll save a fortune in bank fees and the cost of living is lower than the UK. You can 'pay' your wife's daughter to help take care of the baby and around the house. If you can earn the equivalent of 800 quid a month in Thailand, you'll be better off than in the UK on twice that!

[jdinasia]

other option .... set up a bank account in the UK and send them a debit card and PIN # ... deposit the cash monthly and let them withdraw that way ... saves $$

[mark henry]

Thanks Manjara & Idinasia great ideas/advice. You're right Manjara i think its the physical act of the trip to town, filling in the form and handing over the money that causes me to feel sick and faint! Definatley go for one of your ideas.

I will look out for those "respect" signs!

Thanks both again

Mark

[bkkmadness]

All this talk about the 'wife's family', surely they are your family too. Like in the original post about sending money for the wife's daughters birthday, surely that daughter become yours when you married your wife, it's a responsibilty you took on yourself and you should be able to honour it without thanks even though a 'thanks' would be nice.

Does your wife work and give money to the family?

Have you discussed this situation with your wife?

[poorfarang]

I love reading these stories.

[Beavis and Butthead]

Nothing wrong with what you're doing Mark Henry

[mark henry]

All this talk about the 'wife's family', surely they are your family too. Like in the original post about sending money for the wife's daughters birthday, surely that daughter become yours when you married your wife, it's a responsibilty you took on yourself and you should be able to honour it without thanks even though a 'thanks' would be nice.

Does your wife work and give money to the family?

Have you discussed this situation with your wife?

You're right i hold my head in shame i do tend to think of her family as being seperate from me. I think this is because i don't see them very often, they speak no English (I speak a very little Thai) and i have to say the lack of "Thankyou" niggles me a lot!

My wife only gets what the state gives her + a little from some home ironing work she does so no is the answer she don't send any home. She does buy the milk though!!

[GuestHouse]

I know of at least two Farangs who are supporting the wifes' aged parents.

The aged parents being younger than the Farang who supports them.

But as someone already said. They, and the OP, did volunteer.

[mark henry]

Nothing wrong with what you're doing Mark Henry

Like these type of replies short and sweet you sound like a man (woman) of reason and level headiness

[taxexile]

My wife only gets what the state gives her

no fcking comment.

[mark henry]

I know of at least two Farangs who are supporting the wifes' aged parents.

The aged parents being younger than the Farang who supports them.

But as someone already said. They, and the OP, did volunteer.

I like you Guesthouse your posts and replies always have a certain gravity about them like no more need be said, Cool.

Although you do scare me a little!

[mark henry]

My wife only gets what the state gives her

no fcking comment.

You've taken it out of context, i'm talking what she gets personally, of course i provide everything pretty much.

[VanZam]

The general rule I follow in relationships is that if you stop giving hand outs to family members, and they get pissed off (like they have some sort of right to your had earned cash) then you're probably being used as an ATM machine.

Regardless of opinion, I have zero tolerance for laziness, and expect a "thank you" every now and then.

Each to their own though.. the suggestion re: sending an atm card, is a good one.

[pumpuiman]

I can not fathom how selfish you are concerning your own daughter. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I have been contemplating what to write concerning this post, and find myself so angry I cant think straight, and would probably be thrown off the website for the amount of expletives I feel should be directed at you.

[pnustedt]

i have to say the lack of "Thankyou" niggles me a lot!

This used to annoy me too and I know that a number of my friends find this. I get used to it now and my wife has told her family that it is Farang custom to say "thanks" for a gift or favour given and they now sometimes honour this.

[davidjtayler]

i have to say the lack of "Thankyou" niggles me a lot!

This used to annoy me too and I know that a number of my friends find this. I get used to it now and my wife has told her family that it is Farang custom to say "thanks" for a gift or favour given and they now sometimes honour this.

Agreed with the above comment ... you just get used to it Mark ... bit like going to the toilet in the morning ... its not particularly pleasant buts its gotta be done .. and you feel kinda relieved once its finished ...

[mark henry]

I can not fathom how selfish you are concerning your own daughter. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I have been contemplating what to write concerning this post, and find myself so angry I cant think straight, and would probably be thrown off the website for the amount of expletives I feel should be directed at you.

well why don't you try thinking straight and then you might be able to read the op correctly she is NOT my Daughter i reffer to her as being my wifes Daughter which kinda suggests she's not mine!! She's from my wife's first husband/partner.

Yia Jen!

[mark henry]

i have to say the lack of "Thankyou" niggles me a lot!

This used to annoy me too and I know that a number of my friends find this. I get used to it now and my wife has told her family that it is Farang custom to say "thanks" for a gift or favour given and they now sometimes honour this.

Agreed with the above comment ... you just get used to it Mark ... bit like going to the toilet in the morning ... its not particularly pleasant buts its gotta be done .. and you feel kinda relieved once its finished ...

Thanks post 22 & 23 it's reassuring i'm not the only one who feels this. I hope for some recognition of my generosity when i see them end of this month but i'll try not to get worked-up if i don't!

[Thaipwriter]

Your in the early stages of contracting "ATM syndrome" this debilitating disease eats away at your central monetary system causing nausea and heartache. The prognosis is not good, once you have this disease it stays with you until death or financial ruin - whichever comes first.

[mark henry]

Your in the early stages of contracting "ATM syndrome" this debilitating disease eats away at your central monetary system causing nausea and heartache. The prognosis is not good, once you have this disease it stays with you until death or financial ruin - whichever comes first.

Thanks super member (is that a reference to your posts or what?) guess it's curtains for me then. Is there some thing i can take for ATM syndrome?

[pumpuiman]

I can not fathom how selfish you are concerning your own daughter. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I have been contemplating what to write concerning this post, and find myself so angry I cant think straight, and would probably be thrown off the website for the amount of expletives I feel should be directed at you.

well why don't you try thinking straight and then you might be able to read the op correctly she is NOT my Daughter i reff er to her as being my wifes Daughter which kinda suggests she's not mine!! She's from my wife's first husband/partner.

Yia Jen!

Marriage=YOUR daughter now. You feel good waking up in the morning, nice and well fed, in your comfy home....knowing your wifes( now Yours) family live in squalor?

For the price of what you drop at the pub on a weekend, or the monthly cost of cigarettes, you are whining? It is no wonder you aren't showered with thanks from your new family....your wife must be so proud of you.

I regularly contribute to my new family,They have never asked for a penny. I have built them a home. I am always treated as a son, because I act as one.

[ThaiPauly]

Mark. my take on your situation is that if it is not ruining your life by giving your Wife's family this money ..then don't sweat it.

Look upon it as a charitable donation each month.

we send my Wife's dad a thousand baht a month as he is too old to work..I don't resent it..its all part of the culture here, and I feel good about giving him a little money. I also buy gifts for her Son from time to time although he does not live with us. I am happy to do this although as you say there is not much by way of a thank you from either of them.

Mai pben rai !!

If I were you I would just take it in your stride.

TP

[Ulysses G.]

You are far more generous than me.

My view is that the wife's obligation to her family is her obligation and not mine and it was something we discussed and agreed on before we got married. It's never been a problem for us in the two years we have been married and the rule is the wife does with 'her' money what she wants but what we do with 'our money' is a different matter altogether.

My view was and always will be this. When she starts sending money to my parents in the UK (which is far more expensive than it is here) then I will start sending money to her family here but as both of these events are never likely to happen then I am onto a non starter. I am not being tight either, just sensible!

Each to their own of course and if you are happy being the supportive type to her family then that's cool too but I believe the success to a Thai marriage in particular is that you have to set rules at the beginning and never waiver from them lest they exploit you for it.

This may be Casanundra's first sensible post!

However, I am supposing that he does give his wife a reasonable allowance which would allow her to help her family and have a little something left over for herself.

Edited November 3, 2006 by Ulysses G.