mark henry Posted November 4, 2006 Author Share Posted November 4, 2006 A final comment from me for all of you who've been kind enough to add your bit, i'v enjoyed reading your points of view and i reakon i'v learnt a lot to. I'd like to say that there are other aspects to this that are related to the origianal post i made such as the imbalance that occurs when your Thai wife leaves her country and the added pressure this puts on the husband/me and of course the huge cultural differences that can cause conflict for both. Also, in my case (again this maybe cultural) my wife has had quite a sheltered upbringing living with her extended family all her life (aside the 3 years she's been here) and working 12 hours a day 6 days a week (in various Plazza's). This has given her quite a narrow view on life and the world outside. Don't get me wrong i love her to bits but it aint easy and it's frought with difficulties. I read some where on this site that Thai people are quite child like in many respects, i'd have to agree with this comment. I think this is what initially attracts us guys to them in the first place but i wonder some times how viable it is in the long term, particularly in a Western culture? Anyway thanks again for your wise and not so wise words. Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 I would say tight git mark, well you did ask. Sending money to support your daughter big deal. Wake up the young lady became your step daughter and your joint responsibility when you married her mum. You might think about thanking your inlaws for looking after your daughter, that way you might even gain some face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manjara Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 I haveta agree with those that say to not expect gratitude or thank yous for assistance that you may have given to the wifes family. I have given pretty much all that I have to my wife's family...not much else to do with the dosh otherwise. There has been a perceptible improvement in the families standard of living...they no longer eke out a meager existence as rice farmers, the extra money has allowed them the flexibility to drop that and find other more reliable work in construction instead...nobody ever worries about medical or school expenses. My wife is very resourseful and has used the money that I have given her wisely.in return (I suppose) when I am at home I am not allowed to lift a finger for anything...the kids and womenfolk take care of any need/whim...I only have to think about something that I want and it appears on the kitchen table the next minute....roast chicken, sliced mangoes and watermelon, steamed shrimp...I feel like the old prospector in Treasure of the Sierra Madre... displays of gratitude are unusual in Asia...kick back and enjoy what's available instead... See, that's what I'm talking about! My wife's family is the same. You can choose to fence yourself off, or you can choose to become part of the extended family. I wish more farang would choose the latter and see how little hoarding their wealth benefits them compared to the experience of belonging to a Thai family. I'm not rich enough to provide for everything they need, but I have improved their lives a little and taken away the worries about medical or school expenses. They know that the family will help (and is able to help) if needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 My other half said to me before meeting the family. "Don't give them any money; not now, not ever. If you start you will have to do always." Good words, good advice and I heeded it. It has saved a lot of grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donz Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Should I feel bad that my future mother inlaw bought me a van? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TokyoT Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Should I feel bad that my future mother inlaw bought me a van? Only if the van was to help you to move out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donz Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Should I feel bad that my future mother inlaw bought me a van? Only if the van was to help you to move out. Yeah maybe she was trying to give me a hint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TokyoT Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Just curious, what if the situation were reversed and it was your family in need of help and your wife capable of helping? Do you think she would do so gladly or grudgingly as you do? Just a thought to consider next time you go to the bank. Well I have no doubt that if my wife was a multi-millionaire that some money might trickle down to her in-laws. But this would only happen if all of her aunties, and uncles stretching from Nakana-nowhere to Vientiane all had new houses and were driving beamers. It has been my humble experience that Farangs are not thought of as poor enough to need any help. I mean all the roads in The States are paved with gold right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donz Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Just curious, what if the situation were reversed and it was your family in need of help and your wife capable of helping? Do you think she would do so gladly or grudgingly as you do? Just a thought to consider next time you go to the bank. Well I have no doubt that if my wife was a multi-millionaire that some money might trickle down to her in-laws. But this would only happen if all of her aunties, and uncles stretching from Nakana-nowhere to Vientiane all had new houses and were driving beamers. It has been my humble experience that Farangs are not thought of as poor enough to need any help. I mean all the roads in The States are paved with gold right? Yes but im sure its just generalising about all farangs have money like farang generalise that all Thai woman only want farangs for money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t.s Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 I can not fathom how selfish you are concerning your own daughter. You should be ashamed of yourself. I have been contemplating what to write concerning this post, and find myself so angry I cant think straight, and would probably be thrown off the website for the amount of expletives I feel should be directed at you. well why don't you try thinking straight and then you might be able to read the op correctly she is NOT my Daughter i reff er to her as being my wifes Daughter which kinda suggests she's not mine!! She's from my wife's first husband/partner. Yia Jen! Marriage=YOUR daughter now. You feel good waking up in the morning, nice and well fed, in your comfy home....knowing your wifes( now Yours) family live in squalor? For the price of what you drop at the pub on a weekend, or the monthly cost of cigarettes, you are whining? It is no wonder you aren't showered with thanks from your new family....your wife must be so proud of you. I regularly contribute to my new family,They have never asked for a penny. I have built them a home. I am always treated as a son, because I act as one. you are likely a better man than me and definitley a sanctimonius prat. What understanding do you have of the op's position? What understanding do you have of the op's relationship with the child. Would you have been offended had the op used the term stepson? quit being so smug. As for the op, give what makes you comfortable. If you feel you are being taken advantage of, then you probably are. Find a reason to tail back on the expenditure for a couple of months, if ire is their reaction, then as someone has previously said they are likely taking the piss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Briggsy Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 MH, Look at it this way. You are investing in your wife's daughter's future. Somewhere down the line she will receive a degree and then meet a nice boy and get engaged. This is where you come in. It's sin sot time = get your money back with interest. You'll be quids in. That flashy SUV you always wanted will be yours. Perhaps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donz Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 If you cant afford to give that much then dont. Its as simple as that. My fiance's friend gets money from this farand here in Sydney and hires her a car just because he likes her. There is no relationship, this guy just wants for her to have everything she wants, buys her dresses that cost over $1000.00 but he is not really that rich. What im saying is why do many farangs give money away to girls that they can barely afford? I know a few stories like this and I just cant see the logic in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TokyoT Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 A couple of items in this thread I would like to voice my meek opinion about: Family payments – each family needs to find some kind of happy ground on this front. All families are different and therefore what is good for one family is not necessarily good for another family. Many a story out their about the lazy in-laws and pooring money down the drain, but quite a few stories around about the in-laws learning to fish as well. For my family the wife gets a weekly “allowance” (for lack of a better term), that money is hers to do with as she pleases. If she wants to send the whole lot to her folks that is up to her. Outside of that I pay for my sister-in-law to go to college (this was a very easy thing for me to do as I see a great value in education), and every year at new years I give my wife a lump sum that equals the amount of money I will spend that year on my family (I add up all the money I spend on Christmas presents, birthday gifts, mothers day, etc on my side of the family) and I give her an equal amount of money in baht. She can spend that money however she sees fit – family gifts, cash gifts, loans, etc. Thank-you – quite an interesting topic and could probably support a thread in and of itself. I used to never get any kind of thank you and was constantly feel “taken advantage of” early in our relationship. Things have improved somewhat on that front, but rarely do I get what I feel is a genuine “Thank you”. IMHO this does have a bit to do with age issues, my being a Farang, and that saying “Thank you” in not “natural’ for my in-laws. I do find it interesting that my wife is quite adamant about teaching our daughter to say thank you, and I do notice the younger the individual the more likely I am to get a “Thank you”. I also think the perceived lack of thanks also has something to do with separating what the Farang thinks of as a gift, and what the in-laws think of as a natural act that is expected from another family member. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BKK90210 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 (edited) If you cant afford to give that much then dont.Its as simple as that. My fiance's friend gets money from this farand here in Sydney and hires her a car just because he likes her. There is no relationship, this guy just wants for her to have everything she wants, buys her dresses that cost over $1000.00 but he is not really that rich. What im saying is why do many farangs give money away to girls that they can barely afford? I know a few stories like this and I just cant see the logic in it. Good question and I would like to know the answer to this question too. Many guys're nobody in their country, and suddenly here in thailand they acted like millionairs. I have been married for 20 yrs, since we're in mid 20s. NO sinsot ever paid and never once had any of her family/relatives asked for even a satang! Why Why Why? Edited November 6, 2006 by BKK90210 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Should I feel bad that my future mother inlaw bought me a van? I'd be a bit gutted to be honest Donz. Surely they could have bought you a merc or something more appropriate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donz Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Should I feel bad that my future mother inlaw bought me a van? I'd be a bit gutted to be honest Donz. Surely they could have bought you a merc or something more appropriate? Yeah I should tell her she is a cheap skate and burn the van and send her photos Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Should I feel bad that my future mother inlaw bought me a van? I'd be a bit gutted to be honest Donz. Surely they could have bought you a merc or something more appropriate? Yeah I should tell her she is a cheap skate and burn the van and send her photos I think it's your only move mate. A van of all things, what a loss of face, you must be driving the same kind of vehicle as the family maid! Send her some pics of a Bentley Turbo, she'll soon get the idea. Remember, just because your an ozzie, it doesn't make you a second class citizen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Should I feel bad that my future mother inlaw bought me a van? I'd be a bit gutted to be honest Donz. Surely they could have bought you a merc or something more appropriate? Yeah I should tell her she is a cheap skate and burn the van and send her photos I think it's your only move mate. A van of all things, what a loss of face, you must be driving the same kind of vehicle as the family maid! Send her some pics of a Bentley Turbo, she'll soon get the idea. Remember, just because your an ozzie, it doesn't make you a second class citizen! stop thinkin like a soapdodger donz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 It wasn't a 'Yute' was it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a2396 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 If you cant afford to give that much then dont. Its as simple as that. My fiance's friend gets money from this farand here in Sydney and hires her a car just because he likes her. There is no relationship, this guy just wants for her to have everything she wants, buys her dresses that cost over $1000.00 but he is not really that rich. What im saying is why do many farangs give money away to girls that they can barely afford? I know a few stories like this and I just cant see the logic in it. Good question and I would like to know the answer to this question too. Many guys're nobody in their country, and suddenly here in thailand they acted like millionairs. I have been married for 20 yrs, since we're in mid 20s. NO sinsot ever paid and never once had any of her family/relatives asked for even a satang! Why Why Why? Some guys spend like drunken sailors until reality hits & then they wonder what happened. Stories I read here about Thai families not asking for money I find hard to believe. I have NEVER seen such a situation (family not asking for money) in my personal experience here. I guess if you are running with the monied elite, they maybe don't need your (Farang) money. I think most Farangs in Thailand do not have the privelege of such company. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markuk Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Why dont you bring the "daughter" to the UK to live with you, that way no need to send money. May sound hard but coming from the UK i will never again support anyone elses extended family. My responsibilities yes but parents / brothers / uncles etc no way, they can get of their <deleted> and support themselves however they can. I got my fingers burnt once, sent some cash ($100) by Western Union to my wifes Uncle as he was desperate to move to a new Job in Dubai, when we called to give him the transfer number he was drunk. Never went to Dubai either and i have never seen him for 3 years!! Made me so mad but taught me a valuable lesson for a small amount. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAWP Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Should I feel bad that my future mother inlaw bought me a van? I'd be a bit gutted to be honest Donz. Surely they could have bought you a merc or something more appropriate? Vans are more ideal for disposing of bodys that first is prepared by chainsaw*. (*:Yes, I know using chainsaws are illegal to normal people here. But so is murder. Don't ruin a good joke!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atlastaname Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 You are far more generous than me. My view is that the wife's obligation to her family is her obligation and not mine and it was something we discussed and agreed on before we got married. It's never been a problem for us in the two years we have been married and the rule is the wife does with 'her' money what she wants but what we do with 'our money' is a different matter altogether. My view was and always will be this. When she starts sending money to my parents in the UK (which is far more expensive than it is here) then I will start sending money to her family here but as both of these events are never likely to happen then I am onto a non starter. I am not being tight either, just sensible! Each to their own of course and if you are happy being the supportive type to her family then that's cool too but I believe the success to a Thai marriage in particular is that you have to set rules at the beginning and never waiver from them lest they exploit you for it. How refreshing to read the above post .... so different from the usual . I have never understood why I am supposed to provide for them in the same way i never ask for them to provide for me . Perhaps its different for me in that my partners family are middle class , but having to pay for a relationship must sour it a bit surely. Indeed it does hence the OP's original post !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atlastaname Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 other option .... set up a bank account in the UK and send them a debit card and PIN # ... deposit the cash monthly and let them withdraw that way ... saves $$ yes but don't you think they may withdraw it all quickly and have nothing left for the next month and so on ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 If you cant afford to give that much then dont. Its as simple as that. My fiance's friend gets money from this farand here in Sydney and hires her a car just because he likes her. There is no relationship, this guy just wants for her to have everything she wants, buys her dresses that cost over $1000.00 but he is not really that rich. What im saying is why do many farangs give money away to girls that they can barely afford? I know a few stories like this and I just cant see the logic in it. Good question and I would like to know the answer to this question too. Many guys're nobody in their country, and suddenly here in thailand they acted like millionairs. I have been married for 20 yrs, since we're in mid 20s. NO sinsot ever paid and never once had any of her family/relatives asked for even a satang! Why Why Why? Some guys spend like drunken sailors until reality hits & then they wonder what happened. Stories I read here about Thai families not asking for money I find hard to believe. I have NEVER seen such a situation (family not asking for money) in my personal experience here. I guess if you are running with the monied elite, they maybe don't need your (Farang) money. I think most Farangs in Thailand do not have the privelege of such company. Two possible answers to that. 1. you need to get out more. 2. you need to get out more, and take notes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Some guys spend like drunken sailors until reality hits & then they wonder what happened. Stories I read here about Thai families not asking for money I find hard to believe. I have NEVER seen such a situation (family not asking for money) in my personal experience here. I guess if you are running with the monied elite, they maybe don't need your (Farang) money. I think most Farangs in Thailand do not have the privelege of such company. Never been asked for money and my gfs family hardly the monied elite. I'm guessing you don't have much personal experience here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britmaveric Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Some guys spend like drunken sailors until reality hits & then they wonder what happened. Stories I read here about Thai families not asking for money I find hard to believe. I have NEVER seen such a situation (family not asking for money) in my personal experience here. I guess if you are running with the monied elite, they maybe don't need your (Farang) money. I think most Farangs in Thailand do not have the privelege of such company. Never been asked for money and my gfs family hardly the monied elite. I'm guessing you don't have much personal experience here. I concur, never been asked either. Not elite, but middle class. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donz Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 I have no reason to send her family money, im my own man and not pussy whipped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryB Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 One has to known that Thai love to get. And believe that God put them on earth to get more from Farangs. So just give and be happy to make them happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donz Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 One has to known that Thai love to get. And believe that God put them on earth to get more from Farangs.So just give and be happy to make them happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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