Zyxel

What is the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber!

A Wise Old Man told me Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Yesterday, I was driving on the motorway at about 70 mph when a biker drew alongside and matched speeds with me. He started knocking on my window, so I rolled it down. He stuck his head inside and I spotted he had a cigarette in his mouth. He said, “Have you got a light, Mate?” I said, “Are you trying to kill yourself?!” He said, “It’s okay. I only smoke about five a day.”

A teenager brings home her new boyfriend to meet her parents. They’re disgusted by his haircut, tattoos & piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Honey, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh come on Mom” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump, When I got to the door I couldn't jump. The 6'7" man mountain instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and said If you don't jump you're gonna get this baby right up your arse. Mick says, Did you jump Paddy says, A bit when it first went in.

Jesus was walking around Heaven one day. In a small, secluded garden He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise. There should be no tears or sorrow.” The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.” Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?” The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!” Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!” The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”

An officer on a cruise ship was walking round the decks, mingling with the passengers. It was a blustery day and as two women walked towards him, one in jeans and one in a loose fitting skirt a sudden gust blew the woman's skirt up around her waist to reveal that she had no underwear on. 'It's quite airy isn't it ?" the officer said. The woman snapped back "what did you expect ? Feathers ?"

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go." "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first." "It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on." Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!" "This is great....." (long sigh!) Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."