Zyxel

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow." So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said. "Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't do it. " "So what did you do?" said the doctor. " We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!" "But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"

The teacher asked, “So; children, who can give me an example of what’s not a good thing to put in your mouth?” “Little Mary raised her hand and said, “A knife?” “Why is that?”, asked the teacher. “Because it’s sharp and might cut your mouth.” “Very good. Who is next?” Billy chimed in, “Insecticide?” “Why is that?”, replied the teacher. “Because it’s poison and you might get sick or even die.” “Yes, very good Billy. Anyone else” As usual, Little Johnny had his hand waiving in the air, but the teacher was always reluctant to call on him, because of his foul mouth. However, since his was the only hand waving, she acquiesced and called on him. “Ok Johnny, What’s not a good thing to put in your mouth?” “It’s not a good idea to put a lit light bulb in your mouth.” “That’s absolutely correct. Tell us why.” Little Johnny answers, “I don’t know why, but my mom always tells my dad, ”Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth.

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

In a small town out west, an old priest became tired of listening to all the details when parishioners would confess to committing adultery. So he asked everyone to simply say “I’ve Fallen” during their confession. This code word was then used for many years. Eventually the old priest retires and a new one takes his place. During his first week, the new priest starts to get concerned because everyone is complaining about falling. So the priest went to see the town mayor and asked him if the sidewalks needed repair because so many people are falling down. The mayor starts laughing because he realizes that the new priest doesn't know that "fallen" is a code word. The confused priest then says to the mayor “Why are you laughing? ... Your own wife fell down three times this week!”.