Mr Jones

IKEA job interview

what no sauce

So where in Pattaya can we get that breakfast Mr. Jones??

my place cook it yourself

The devil went to Thailand

he was lookin' to sell some weed

he was doin' fine

they were standin' in line

it was excellent weed indeed

when he came across a young man

who was likewise peddelin' pot

and the devil slid down the beach to the kid

and said "boy lemme tell you what"

i guess you kinda figured I'm a reefer head of course

and after all this time

i guess that i'm

a connoisseur of sorts

now your stuff smells ok

but this could tranquilize a horse

i'll bet a million in cash

against your stash

coz i think mine's better than yours

the boy said "my name's johnny and you ain't smoked nothin' yet"

one hit of this grass

will kick your ass

you got yourself a bet

johnny roll a ball of hash

and make sure it's the bomb

coz the devil's got the kind of stuff

they smoked in vietnam

you'll get a million smackaroo's

in cash if you cash if you can cook,

but if you can't devil'll get your dope

the devil packed a bong

with a little acapulco gold

and resin flew from his fingertips

as he fired up his bowl

he filled that chamber all the way

and he took a mighty hit

as they passed it back and forth

it gave'em both a coughin' fit

when the bowl was finished johnny said

"hey man that stuff was great"

but fill your lungs with some of this

and prepare to vegetate

cannabis,apeeva,sweet mary jane

the devil's in the back yard fryin' his brain

zig zag filled with a diggity dang

hold on tight it'll hit you like a tank

the devil nodded off because he knew that he was stoned

and he asked if he could buy an ounce of the stuff that johnny owned.

johnny said "devil just come on back if you ever wanna catch a buzz"

i done told you once you son of a bitch,

mine's the best there ever was

then they

fired up doobies one by one,

ain't gonna stop 'til the bag's done

green as a bullfrog,

sticky as glue

granted you'll get high,

yes i do

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

~ Milton Berle

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than

electronic banking. It's called marriage."

~ James Holt McGavran

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must

be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

~ David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let

him keep her.

~ Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just

can't face each other, but still they stay together.

~ Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you

get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

~ Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

~ Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,

"What does a woman want?

~ Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

~ Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go

to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft

music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

~ Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

~ Sam Kinison

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the

second one didn't."

~ Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong,

admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

~ Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget

it once... - Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

~ Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he

received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can

have mine." - Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky,

mine's still alive." - Anonymous

I dont care Because

I pictured a rainbow

You held in your hands

I had flashes

But you saw then plan

I wondered out in the world for years

While you just stayed in your room

I saw the crescent

You saw the whole of the moon!

The whole of the moon!

You were there at the turnstiles

With the wind at your heels

You stretched for the stars

And you know how it feels

To reach too high

Too far

Too soon

You saw the whole of the moon!

I was grounded

While you filled the skies

I was dumbfounded by truths

You cut through lies

I saw the rain-dirty valley

You saw brigadoon

I saw the crescent

You saw the whole of the moon!

I spoke about wings

You just flew

I wondered, I guessed, and I tried

You just knew

I sighed

But you swooned

I saw the crescent

You saw the whole of the moon!

The whole of the moon!

With a torch in your pocket

And the wind at your heels

You climbed on the ladder

And you know how it feels

To reach too high

Too far

Too soon

You saw the whole of the moon!

The whole of the moon!

Unicorns and cannonballs,

Palaces and piers,

Trumpets, towers, and tenemets,

Wide oceans full of tears,

Flag, rags, ferry boats,

Scimitars and scarves,

Every precious dream and vision

Underneath the stars

You climbed on the ladder

With the wind in your sails

You came like a comet

Blazing your trail

Too high

Too far

Too soon

You saw the whole of the moon!

how about this one

I always thought an eclipse occurred when the planet was obscured from Earths vision. Pictures look like a full moon to me, whats so special about this one?

TBWG

Just to on the safe side I have lit the incense, put my feet in a bucket of water stuffed a pencil up each nostril (painful) and started chanting! better safe than sorry.

No an eclipse is when the moon passes in front of the Sun (a star) and obscures the sun from the earth (a planet)

And I liked the photo of the moon

are you allowed sharp pencils wher you are?

what no sauce

how about this one

Q: How many croc hunters does it take to capture a sting-ray?

A: Apparently more than one. Steve Irwin's Australia Zoo is now serving Sting Ray...

In many ways not the world's wittiest joke, nor the cleverest-constructed punch-line, but it was on an Eastern Europe website so, bless, they're trying their best.

Pretty tasteless to say the least

not even funny

EU passport holders will be treated free in the UK.

None EU pasport holders May be asked to pay if they are recent arrivals in the UK

i.e. medical tourists.

You know what? If we don’t adhere to the Geneva Convention or the human rights act, or any other act that our governments signs then.

Then we are no better than the scum that opt out of them.

And that includes YOU.

Geneva Convention.

Bush, Stalin, What’s the difference?

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day.

They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

sorry

Pete

Can I recomend your Buddy take a look at barry groves web site

just type barry groves in google, it is a very good site with lots of tech info on eating low carb foods

les

Kids are quick..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

>CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign..

TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go

Slow"

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the

floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN:

K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked

me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said

it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we

didn't

have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lotcloser to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE:

I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE: All right...

"I am

the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry

tree,

but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish

him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people

are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.

this will bring a smile

>

>Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up

>every two hours?

>

>If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

>

>Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are

>flat?

>

>Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is

>not enough?

>

>Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but

>check when you say the paint is wet?

>

>

>Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

>

>Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

>

>Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a

>revolver at him?

>

>Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

>

>Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

>

>What is the speed of darkness?

>

>Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the

>Special Olympics?

>

>If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold

>tomorrow, how cold will it be?

>

>If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing

>here?

>

>Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

>

>Do you cry under water?

>

>How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a

>good idea to put wheels on luggage?

>

>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars

>to look at things on the ground?

>

>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze

>these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

>

>Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat

>the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

>Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to

>a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

>

>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

>

>Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't

>point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

>

>Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get

>undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

>

>Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both

>dogs !

>

>Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

>

>If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

>

>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,

>then what is baby oil made from?

>

>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

>

>Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same

>tune?

>Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

>

>Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

>

>Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at

>you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the

>window?

>

>Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Not eating vegetables on a low carb diet is the most misinformed quotation I here

Another is it is not a balanced diet.

Well I do eat many types of veg

My menu for today.

Breakfast, three large egg omelette with ham and a few bean sprouts.

Lunch, 2 lamb chops with a mixture of boiled broccoli, cauliflower with butter topping and some mashed turnip.

Dinner is fish (trout) with a wedge of lemon and a very large mixed salad, I make my own salad dressing from lemon juice and olive oil a chopped up tomato and a small onion with a little hot chilli sauce .

Now is that an unbalanced diet?

Now what are you having?

I will start again

I should have said fellow countryman I’m British therefore I would choose a British person, not a Thai that lives in the countryside.

The reason I would choose a Brit is because it is human nature to trust a fellow countryman when abroad, I’m not saying others are not trustworthy, I’m not saying Thais aren’t trustworthy.

Ah <deleted> it life’s to short

Here I am again

, why not find a countryman of yours, that has been in a relationship or marriage that is really strong and ongoing, then give them the money and if missy is just on the make, well you still have the property if not and it is a good relationship no face lost.

Go on then shoot me down,

Les

Here I am again

I have been reading in one or two forums regarding buying houses in your girlfriends name, mostly in the big cities and with girls you have fallen in love with last night. ( I’m being kind here)

Why not rent for a year or so is the usual answer and is good advice, well when you have decided that you really want to buy, you want the security of owning you own place , why not find a countryman of yours, that has been in a relationship or marriage that is really strong and ongoing, then give them the money and if missy is just on the make, well you still have the property if not and it is a good relationship no face lost.

Go on then shoot me down,

Les

AGE SHALL NOT WEARY US

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now THIS is funny!!!! Got it on an email and I laughed all the way to the bottom!

AGE SHALL NOT WEARY US:

---Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

--- The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 . Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are

Tuk-tuk pair end 12,000-mile trek

The tuk-tuk pair have a £50,000 fundraising target for Mind

Two women have returned to the UK after a 12,000-mile (19,312km) charity drive through 12 countries in a pink tuk-tuk, a motorised three-wheeled rickshaw.

Antonia Bolingbroke-Kent, from Norfolk, and Jo Huxster, from Brighton, both 27, travelled from Thailand in the vehicle, nicknamed Ting Tong.

They drove through pink finishing tape in Brighton having raised £25,000 for the mental health charity Mind.

They encountered an earthquake and a herd of buffalo during their travels.

The pair left the British Embassy in Bangkok on 28 May.

'Surprisingly comfortable'

"I'm really glad to be back, but really sad to be finished," said Ms Bolingbroke-Kent on Sunday.

"Life after this is going to be an anti-climax," she added.

She and Ms Huxster also drove through Laos, China, Kazakhstan, Russia, Ukraine, Poland, the Czech Republic, Germany, Belgium and France.

Ting Tong suffered a few mechanical problems on the way, but Ms Huxster "always trusted that she would get us home".

We'll have to sit and concoct another scheme

Antonia Bolingbroke-Kent

"She's surprisingly comfortable to drive in, much better than a car," she said.

Ting Tong's occupants encountered an earthquake and landslide in China, as well as close attention from a herd of buffalo when their accelerator cable snapped.

But they also got to drive along the Great Wall of China, and were given presents by border guards in Kazakhstan.

They now want to raise even more money for Mind.

"We'll have to sit and concoct another scheme," said Ms Bolingbroke-Kent.

"I think long trips in a unique mode of transport is definitely the way forward."

Ms Huxster added: "Ting Tong will be used to raise more money, [but] there are no plans in the immediate future to drive back to Thailand."

She would have made more of an impression at the USA KFC headquarters rather than here in Thailand, why bother here?

she had done it in the US seems she spends her free time in that bikini some time naked

A man is like a deck of cards, you need:

A Heart - to love him

A Diamond - to marry him

A Club - to smash his f**ckin head in

A Spade - to bury him