Jamesyboi

Sally was driving home in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod, the woman got in the car.

The old woman looked intently at every thing she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman?" "It's a bottle of wine I got for my husband." answered Sally.

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment or two.

Then with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers:

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic-looking woman, hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines", he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground".

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no-one".

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up b*tch".

ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.....

"pa! you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

pa replies, "there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse"

ma yells back, "yes there is now git out there and fix it....

so, pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"ma! there aint nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

ma replies,"stick yer head in the hole!"

pa yells back, "i ain't stickin my head in that hole!'

ma says,"ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix!"so with

that,pa sticks his head in the hole, looks

around and yells back,

"ma! there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

ma hollers back,"now take yer head out of the hole!"

pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"ma! help! my beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

to which ma replies, "hurts, don't it?"

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CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!"

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that had every department imaginable you could get everything there. The boss asked him Have you ever been a salesman before? Yes, I was a salesman in the country said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, You can start tomorrow, and I'll come and see you when we close up.

When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, Well that looked good! How many sales did you make today? That was the only one said the young salesman. Only one!!!! blurted the boss.

Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You‚ll have to do better than that! Well how much was the sale worth? Two hundred and twenty seven thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars, and change, said the young man.

The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. H..H How did you manage that?

Well when he came in this morning I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium hook and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a speargun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers and a keg of beer. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him to the relevant area and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagon probably wouldn‚t be able to pull it, so I took him to another department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing and a built-in refrigerator. Oh and floor mats. The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?

No answered the salesman. He came in to buy a blanket.

A blanket? Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife. I said to him. Well your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing

A young man named Johnny bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, I have some bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but I'm afraid he's dead." Johnny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already." Johnny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway." The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Johnny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But Johnny, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Johnny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two d! ollars a piece and made a profit of $798.00." Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" Johnny replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a really great guy." Johnny grew up and eventually became a Prime Minister, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just few years, they are in financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessong the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so they can breed their own stock.

They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. SHe walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll glad to help her, then adds, "It's ust 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She realises that she'll be able to send her sister just one word.

After a few minutes thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister is blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"

Q: Why do men find it difficult to keep eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes

Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

A: Because they're ugly and they smell

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."

Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."

Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

Associated Press, Santa Ana

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of ten- story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus.”

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.”

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.”

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.”

“The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

An aborigine walks into the local Centrelink office, marches straight up to the counter and demands, "Mate, Im Morton, I hate being on dat dole. I'd really wana job like a white fella"

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to

drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be

expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a

two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is

$200,000 a year".

The Australian native says, "You bullshitting me, right" The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you f**king started it

Australian Immigration Test

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at Telstra on the Help Desk.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man

walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different

colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just

stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter

old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once

and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my

son."

A hunter goes out one day for a shoot and finds an unsuspecting bear drinking at a river side.

so the hunter loads his gun and lines up the bear....

...BAM!...

he walks over to find the bear has been hit but behaves like it hasnt been shot.

the bear says angrily "WHAT THE <deleted>! how dare you shoot me you useless c**t! for such insolence im gunna make you give me a blow job!"

the hunter does as his told...

the next day the hunter says to himself "im gunna get this bastard... if its the last thing i do"

so he goes for another hunt -with a much bigger gun- to find this bear. funnily enough he finds the bear in the same place takes another shot at him. after he's taken another shot he walks up to the bear he would think is dead only to find him sitting on his arse like nothing had happened. the bear says "you rude bastard. you know what to do"

the hunter -again- does as he's told.

the next day the hunter tries his luck again (with an elephant gun this time) ... the same place, he takes another shot

BAM..

the bear then says to the hunter "you really arent doing this for the sport are you?"

why dont women have to wear watches?

Cause theres a perfectly good one on the oven.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink

why are women always cold?

Cause they are too far away from the oven.

Why haven't they sent any women to the moon?

Because it doesn't need cleaning yet

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. It should be open when the woman gives it to you

What does it mean when your wife serves you breakfast in bed?

You made her chain too long

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender, Dick, his habit, would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 P.M. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri, Dick!" "No", replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

What did one snowman say to the other?

Smells like carrots

Whats the only problem with having sex with 27 year olds

Theres 20 of them

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it

Q: Why is the basic Irish currency called a punt?

A: Because it rhymes with Bank Manager

These 2 guys are camping and they get lost, they are captured by a group of tribal men and taken back to the leader. The leader asks one of them "death or bubushka?"

he responds "bubushaka", so all the tribals line up and have anal with him.

The leader asks the last guy "death or bubushka?"

He thinks that he would rather die than have anal with all these guys so he says "death"

The leader replies "Death by bubushka

An Irish man and an English man and a Lawyer walk into a bar. The bar man looks up and says

"what is this? a joke?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar - One was asalted.

A sandwich walks into a bar - The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here"

A jumper cable walking into a bar - The barman says "Look I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A truckie walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says - "A beer please...and one for the road"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...(HAHA oh I love that)

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married - The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great!

I went to the seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

I opened a pack of Snakes Alive and they were all dead!

I found a Tic Tac in the gutter once, it was in mint condition.

Q: why did the blonde walk into the bar with a ladder?

A: coz she heard the drinks were on the house

I'm writing this to try and bump this post back up to the visible spectrum of the forum. Jamesboi posts so many individual jokes, that he not only domineers this forum, but he winds up bumping everyone else's contributions down and out of the forum within several hours or their submission.

brahmburgers - the photos are great - I think I have seen almost all of them at some stage on a Thai road

Have to say though that the comment re Jamesboi is a bit rough, he posts a lot yes but most of them are good and helps to raise a smile. If others were as prolific as Jamesboi we would have one of the biggest forums on the net

thanks man

on topic - i'm bumping this topic for brahmburgers hahahaha

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.

So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. 'What's this!?' demands the grandfather.

'It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.

The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist. "Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me." "OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The girl behind the counter says "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"