Jamesyboi

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "###### You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders

are saying?

BETTING : "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST : Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy"

BUGGER : As in "mine is bugger than yours".

CHULLY BUN : Also known as an Esky

DIMMER KRETZ : Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK : Language spoken in countries like "Surria", E-Jupp" and

"Libernon".

EKKA DYMOCKS : University staff

GUESS : Flammable vapour used in stoves.

SENDLES : Thongs, open shoes

COLOUR : Terminator, murderer.

CUSS : Kiss

DUCK HID : Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

PHAR LAP : NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".

ERROR ROUTE : As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".

FITTER CHENEY : A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger

tony".

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good

Manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young

Lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and

Impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom

At the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once

And show Us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I

Have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope

You'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on

the Richter scale has hit Lebanon. Two

million Lebanese have died and over a million

are injured.

The country is totally ruined and

the government doesn't know where to start

with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

United States is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is

sending food and money.

The Australians, not to be outdone, are

sending two million replacement Lebanese.

God bless our Aussie generosity.

Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work .

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're

Generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have

No responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like

Conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz.."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to vryone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"),

because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says, ''My wife has got to be the dumbest. She's so stupid she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner and we don't even have electricity!"

The others laugh.

The next hick says, "Ah that ain't nothin'! My wife's dumber - she went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered!"

They all laughed and laughed because no one had plumbing. The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman has got to be the dumbest. Just this mornin' I was looking though her purse for some chewin' tobacco and I found six rubbers. hel_l, she ain't got no dick!"

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, ''I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.''

''What's wrong with that?'' asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, ''You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.''

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him.

''I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?'' The old man answers, again through his tears, ''I forgot where I live.''

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, “Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.”

The Snail was okay with this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!! As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled “WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!”

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.

"What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?" Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to watch their team play the Red Sox. They start making fun of a couple of Red Sox supporters who only have one ticket between the two of them.

Just before the conductor appears both Red Sox fans go into the bathroom and lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the door they slip the ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and slides it back under the door and off he goes.

On the return journey the Yankees fans decide to pull the same trick and purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet again the two Red Sox supporters only have one ticket between them. The Yankees fans realize there is only one bathroom per carriage and quickly take the lead, locking themselves in first, leaving the Red Sox fans with nowhere to go. A minute later the Red Sox fan without a ticket strolls over to the bathroom and knocks on the door.

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.

The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!''

Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!''

So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!''

So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."

The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ''Your turn,'' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!"

The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.

The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''

1. Say, "######, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
   
2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
   
3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
   
4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
   
5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
   
6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
   
7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
   
8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.
   
9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
   
10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"
    

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

One morning a man was leaving to go to work. He kissed his wife and headed out the door. On his way to work he noticed that he had forgotten his lunch, so he went back to get it.

While at home, he decided to kiss his wife goodbye again, but he couldn't find her. He went to the bedroom to see if she went back to bed, and he caught her in bed with his best friend.

He was so mad that he told his wife to pack her bags and get out.

His wife replied, ''What are you going to say to your best friend''. The man replied ''BAD DOG!"

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first they had sex with the lights all on, otherwise, they would not see what one would tell the other in sign language.

One day the woman asked, "Can't we try to make love with the lights off?"

The man said, "Okay, but how will you know when I want to make love to you?"

The woman said, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once." The man said, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about fifty times, ok?"

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"

"Yes," the grandpa replied.

"Did God make you too?"

"Yes," the grandpa said. "Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."