Jamesyboi

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hel_l are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "I''m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can''t help practicing my art!" "That''s the stupidest thing I''ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nud_e. The mother-in-law says, “What the hel_l are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the ###### are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife. “Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don't know."

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well,

here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern

Methodist University:

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The

process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting

to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first

paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph

and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will

then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to

re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story

coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been

reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English

students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The

chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,

now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,

that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,

keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if

she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So

chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron

now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about

than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with

whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to

Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar

orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he

could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and

blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct

hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt

one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who

had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its

pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"

Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously

excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her

youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no

newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of

innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one

lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.

Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched

the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy

peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty

through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile

alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within

two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on

course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire

planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their

diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere

unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine

headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the

inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million

other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference

table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's

blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My

writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at

writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

######.

Bitch.

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman on an airplane. To

start conversation, he asked her what kind of men she was interested

in. Her first choice was American Indian men, since they're so rugged.

After that she said that Jewish men were pretty attractive too. Not

belonging to either of those categories, the man asked if there were

any other kinds of men she liked to date. She thought for a moment and

then said Southern men, because they're so gentlemanly. At this point,

she realized she didn't know the man's name.

"Well, my name's Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One

afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place

where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were

finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his

shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,

thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the

door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.

My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the

afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can

see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf

again, haven't you?"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in

the Garden with God.

Adam told God how much the woman meant to him

and how blessed he was to have her.Adam began to

ask

questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.

Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.

Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good.

Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want

to seem ungrateful,

but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you

1.The female makes the rules.

2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior

notification.

3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules

are not permitted.

4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,

she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5.The female is never wrong.

6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding

which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do,

or did not say.

7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having

been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female

as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.

8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason

at all.

9.The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances

without the express written consent of the female which is given only in

cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no

indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.

10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or

imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole

judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of

the root cause of the female's being angry or pset. The female may,

however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying

attention. See rule 13.

11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to

be angry or upset.

12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or

indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.

13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.

Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the

sole discretion of the female.

14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past

incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify,

enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to

the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive,

pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.

15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to

illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the

consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has

bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports

teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such

illustrations are non-rebuttable.

16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is

permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to

logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.

17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought,

opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective

interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding.

Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or

rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy

and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,

especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. :-))

A man suspected his wife was seeing

another man, so he hired the famous

Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and

report any activities while he was gone.

A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE

I WATCH HOUSE

HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.

HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.

HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.

I LOOK IN WINDOW.

HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.

HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.

HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.

I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.

I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,

CHEN LEE.

Mafia boss finds out that his deaf bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million dollars. The Mafia boss wanted a deaf bookkeeper because a deaf bookkeeper wouldn’t be able to hear anything in the presence of his boss, and wouldn’t ever be able have to testify against his boss in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, “Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says. “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”

The bookkeeper signs back, “OK! You win! The money’s in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”

The Godfather asks the attorney, “Well, what’d he say?”

The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ######.

Daddy's 10 Rules of Dating

A friend of mine sent me this as an e-mail. Hope you like it.

• Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.
  
• Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
  
• Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
  
• Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
  
• Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."
  
• Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
  
• Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
  
• Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
  - Places where there is darkness.
  - Places where there is danceing, holding hands, or happiness.
  - Places where the ambient tamperature is warm enough to introduce my duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
  - Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
  
• Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
  
• Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
  

50 Things to do while waiting on an elevator

Have you ever got on an elevator and didn't know what to do as you waited to get to your floor? Here are a few things you might want to try:

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
   
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
   
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
   
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
   
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
   
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
   
7. Shave.
   
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
   
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
   
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    
14. One word: Flatulence!
    
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
    
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    
20. Meow occasionally.
    
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
    
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    
29. Leave a box between the doors.
    
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    
32. Start a sing-along.
    
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    
34. Play the harmonica.
    
35. Shadow box.
    
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    
37. Lean against the button panel.
    
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
    
41. Bring a chair along.
    
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    
43. Blow spit bubbles.
    
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...

What the hel_l is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer

It is definatley the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hel_l over with and pass

Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit

Because I think love is a crock of shit

So heres my story...what else can I say?

Love bites my ass...F%$k Valentines Day!

A Story

This is a story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.

There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting... .!

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot,

dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if

that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down

three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for

that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and

thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time):

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and

that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that

hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese

sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots

the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

some pussy is in serious danger..!

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.

The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left. The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no. . . sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore.

9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hel_l, I don't know.

8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?

7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.

6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!

5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.

4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?

3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!

2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?

1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management