chickenslegs

Homing

Barrel

His Mom's house was too far away.

Pattaya beach has its attractions, but it is not the cleanest. Would that be the fireworks on the Dragon Bridge at weekends.

Flobabdob

You can't even say <deleted> Manchu - the famous fictional villain.

Witches

Apropos the current milk shortage: One astronaut says to another. I can’t find any milk for my coffee. The other astronaut replies “In space no one can. Here, use cream”.

If space is a vacuum why is Mars so dusty?

Why don't aliens visit our solar system? They read the reviews: Only one star.

I went to one of those space parties. It was very disappointing - no atmosphere.

Yes. Can't be a Leaf. Maybe a Micra.

I thought you wanted to drift.

Have you tried over-inflating your tyres?

Tortoise

THE UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIORY (M to Z) Alternative definitions for some familiar English words: Macaroon To leave a Scotsman on a desert island Magenta Here comes the Queen Mishmash What Sean Connery will do if he doesn’t get to church on Sunday Module Christmas with The Who Nose dive Bad plastic surgery clinic Ovaltine A fat adolescent Pantomime Underwear for the hard of hearing Passport Fathers’ race Pastiche What Sean Connery eats in Cornwall Phlegmatic Battery-powered handkerchief Pomegranate Australian for a Englishman made of stone Pretext Letters and phone calls Psychedelia Mental cook Quick Noise made by a dyslexic duck Receipt To sit down again Realist A catalogue of bottoms Reindeer A Michael Winner weather prediction Scruple Cross between a screw top and a ring pull Tabby A big church in Yorkshire Template The secretary hasn’t turned up Tenure How they describe a decade in the West Country Testicle A boat maker’s first attempt at a coracle Toll Where you try to put the ball in on a Yorkshire golf course Transport Cross-dressing athletes Truculent That lorry you used to rent out Unfettered Without Greek cheese Urinate You’re a size eight Vanish Rather like a van Walnut An obsessive bricklayer Warehouse A person who turns into a house at the Full Moon Wince A setting on Jonathan Ross’s washing machine X-ray Former fish Yodelling Trainee Jedi knight Zucchini Animal park enthusiast [credit ISIYHAC]

AND WELCOME TO THE BALL In which the teams introduce the guests arriving at a society ball, this time from the construction industry: Will you welcome please, Mr and Mrs Cotter-Tiling... and their son, Terry And from Ireland, Mr and Mrs O’Doors... and their son, Paddy Mr and Mrs Antilers and their son... Rufus Mr and Mrs Loadabricks and their son... Laurie Mr and Mrs Neepot and their son... Jim Mr and Mrs Duz-Merchants... and their son, Bill [ISIHAC]

TRAVEL BROCHURE JARGON Palm fringed-beach Surrounded by beggars Compact swimming pool Bidet Staggering views The local wine’s dodgy We would strongly recommend hiring a car You are 103 miles from the nearest lavatory Plenty of nightlife Watch out for the cockroaches Stone’s throw from the beach Mick Jagger once vomited from the top balcony

In the book Animal Farm the last sentence is, "The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which”

Just as I walked into Makro, Sattahip, at about 1.00pm today they were stacking the milk shelves. Hardly a space was left. Every brand, size and colour of cap was available. But just yesterday I couldn't find a bottle of full fat milk anywhere, nor even semi-skimmed. Could have been worse, every few weeks there is a shortage of schweppes tonic water, and it can last for days.

Scum floats.