ballpoint

Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!

Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.

I saw a man using different cuts of lightly cooked meat to create portraits. It was a rare medium, but well done.

My wife said she was going to leave me because of my disgusting habits. I was in such a shock I almost choked on my toenails.

"If I see a snake, I back off. If one starts talking to me, I crap myself!"

What the deuce do you mean? I'm too set in my ways, but if you kept the racquet down and had fewer faults you'd be an ace and really spread the love.

You should see them when they aren't smiling for the camera.

Someone stole the fifth month out of my calendar. I am completely dismayed.

I just found a half frozen tiny bird as I walked home, so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival. When I showed the wife, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a kiss & a cuddle as she was in a good mood. She said "No dear, not in front of the chilled wren!"

Tennis ball machine for sale, £100. Had it for over a year now and its served me well.

The new film about the Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady, has been classified as PG. Apparently it is unsuitable for miners!

The clue is in where the car park is... "The news of the discovery of King Richard III's skeleton in a Leicester car park in August 2012, more than five centuries after his death, made headlines around the world". Discovery of King Richard III's remains under car park re-told in 'The Lost King' (nationthailand.com)