ballpoint

The Doctor said if I had a vasectomy, I wouldn’t have kids. You have no idea how disappointed I was after the op to see the little gits were still at home.

A housewife goes into the butcher and asks “is that yer Ayrshire bacon?” Butcher replies, “Naw madam - I'm just standing a bit too close to the electric heater”

I see Netflix are making a film adaptation of "Fly Fishing" by J.R Hartley. I’m not sure about the storyline, but the cast should be good.

A Doberman, a golden retriever and a cat cross the rainbow bridge and enter the pearly gates. God asks the Doberman to tell him about herself. “I’ve been a great protector of my whole family”. God says,” Marvellous, come and sit on my right, you shall seek out evil and protect the gates of Heaven". Then God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself and the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master and his family”. God says,” That’s wonderful, come and sit on my left, you will welcome people to Heaven". The cat walks in and says to God,” You're in my chair”.

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not in line with BS7671. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb! Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. French Bulldog: Sure, but only if you lift the entire sofa up to the ceiling and give me a few hours to nap & think abo….zzzzz Chihuahua: "We don't need no stinking light bulb." Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Poodle: I'll just nuzzle in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

I heard a new song on the Radio today: “I would walk approximately 500 miles…. but some distances may vary. Check terms and conditions for details”. It’s by The Disclaimers.

This situation is analogous to the time that ship was stuck in the Suez Canal, preventing fast(er) shipping between Europe and Asia. All free trading nations have the right to clear the blockage. With whatever tools they have.

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.

I was at the races. A man asked "do you want the winner of the next race?" I said "no, I only have a small garden".