ballpoint

My mate accidently sat on a lettuce and got it wedged up his behind. The doctor put a dressing on it.

A lorry load of ballroom dancing gowns has crashed on the motorway. Drivers have been advised to go slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.

I bought a head of lettuce from a small grocery shop called Mama’s and Papa’s. I can’t eat it though, because all the leaves are brown.

I got pulled over by the police last night driving home from the pub. The copper asked me if I’d had a drink. I told him I’d had eight pints of Guinness, two large whiskys and four sambucca shots. He said I’m going to have to ask you blow into this tube. I said why? Don’t you believe me?

All right. Who forgot to water the turbine?

I rang the Emergency Incontinence Help Line. They asked me where I was ringing from. I said “the waist downwards.”

Two blokes are walking their dogs. One has a labrador the other a jack russel. One suggests going for a pint but is worried they wont get in the pub with the dogs His mate suggests a pub nearby that lets guide dogs in, so they decide to try it by pretending to be blind. The one with the labrador goes in and orders a pint. The barman says, sorry mate, no dogs allowed unless they are guide dogs. The man says but I’m blind. The barman apologises and gives him a pint. The second one walks in with his jack russell and the barman says, sorry mate, no dogs allowed only guide dogs. He says but I am blind. The barman says, I’m not being funny mate but guide dogs are usually labradors. The second man replies, “Why, what have I got?”

My friend told me he felt sad because he didn’t know the lyrics to ‘YMCA’. I said ‘Young man there’s no need to feel down’…

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training. He asked the coach: “What number shirt am I ?” The coach said: “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

I bumped into William Hill the other day. What are the odds on that happening?