ballpoint

For those who can't finish a whole one, Chinese McDonalds are now selling quarter pandas.

My mum's star sign was Cancer so it's really quite ironic how she died... ...attacked by a giant crab.

A woman goes to a tattooist to get a butterfly done on each of her bum cheeks. The tattooist says to her, ''I don't do butterflies, but I can put bees on there.'' She says ok and gets the tattoos done. She goes home and shows her husband. ''Who the hell is BoB?'' he asks.

You know when you're getting old when you watch a porno movie & think... Damn, that bed looks comfy.

No doubt it was poignant for Putin too, as he dreams of descending on countries and taking their flags.

The total meltdown and mouth frothing by Republicans in general, and the MAGA brigade in particular, over Biden's stepping down is both hilarious and revealing. They are terrified. The calls for legal action / impeachment by senior Republicans, the panicked attempts to equate Harris with the bogie man, and the outright attacks and lies being spread about her personal life are signs of shear desperation. And, as with most MAGA outbursts, its all projectionism. Biden played the Republican party like a fiddle (while Trump did the fiddling). By waiting until after the RNC, and its announcement of Trump's running mate, before stepping down from his candidacy for the upcoming election, he totally led them up the garden path, round the bend and left them holding the baby. (Who needs changing, in more ways than one). The smarter Republicans (in a relative way, like saying "the taller dwarves"), have now realised that the Democrats were playing chess all along, while Trump and Co were trying to play checkers, all the while demanding to know why the black pieces are allowed on the white squares and threatening to deport them. Well played Biden. Well played.

I just saw a holiday advert "Book by 25th October and your children go free". I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnaping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.

A guy with a flatulence problem goes to a doctor. "Doctor", he says, "I keep farting really loud and it sounds like a motorcycle." "OK", replies the doctor, "Drop your trousers, bend over and we'll have a look." After a while, the doctor says "Ahh, yes, I see the problem.... you have an abscess on your sphincter." "And as everyone knows", he adds, "abscess makes the fart go Honda."