ballpoint

I asked our local librarian if they had any books on the Titanic she said yes, lots of them. I said well you won't be getting them back will you?

My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position

The Self-Deprecation Society is now accepting new members. I've already put myself down.

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, ……."Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For goodness sake, give me a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

Still looking for that 10mm socket...

Good as new...

I’ve got a Polish friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too.

My Grandad told me that if I ever get into a proper fight, the best thing to do is put a snooker ball inside a sock. Worst advice ever. I could barely walk let alone run away.

I don't think my girlfriend approves of my schizophrenia medication. Every time I take it, she goes away.