ballpoint

I went up to an athlete alongside the track yesterday and asked him, "Are you a Pole Vaulter?" He replied, "No I'm a German, but how did you know my name?"

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies” She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs. One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didnt recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies”. A guy sitting nearby looked at her and said, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" she replied. He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock”.

There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them. Another Saturday night came around. About 7 p.m., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said, “Hi, my name’s Joe. I’m here for Flo. I’m taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time. A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said, “Hi, I’m Eddie. I’m here for Betty. I’m taking her for spaghetti. I hope she’s ready.” He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes. A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard. “Hi, I’m Chuck…” The farmer shot him.

A Couple were Driving at 70mph down the Road, (Husband behind the Wheel). The Wife suddenly says, "Honey, I know we've been Married twenty years but I want a Divorce". He says nothing but Increases the Car's Speed to 80mph. She says, "Now don't try to talk me out of it. Cos I've been Screwing Delboy, your best friend for sometime now and he IS much better at Sex, than you could ever be", He stays quiet, but Speeds up to 90mph. She says, "And I want the House and the Car." (He is now doing 100mph.) "Also, I want the Bank Accounts and the Credit Cards too"..?!?!? she says, The Husband suddenly starts to veer towards the Side of the Road and a Large Grove of Big, Cedar Trees. The Wife gets a bit nervous and asks, "Isn't there ANYTHING you want"..??? "Nope, I've got all I need thanks". He replies. "Oh Really", she says sneeringly, "So what exactly do you have"..?? she asks, Just a split second, before they Hit the Biggest Tree, now doing at least at 120mph. He just smiles and says, "The Only Air-Bag, Bitch"

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

Today, I was asked to go out by more than 15 girls. I was mistakenly in the women’s bathroom.

Meanwhile, on Easter Island...

I just got my bank statement and noticed that I've had payments go out for a water pistol, a pair of size 20 shoes, a trumpet and a red nose.. Needless to say, I phoned the bank. Apparently my card's been clowned

My wife gave me an envelope marked ’Not to be opened until 2024’ Inside was a list of reasons why I can’t be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

I just bought my son a plastic doll with a cord on its back, and when you pull it, it says "30, 30, 35, 35, 35, 40......". "No dad" he cried when he saw the box, I said Action man, not Auction Man".

Warning. If you buy a watch that says you can swim with it on, it really means you can wear it if you can already swim. Now I know.