ballpoint

Me and the wife were arguing about the size of tits. I'm telling her that it doesn't matter, she says it does. Long story short, I start my new diet tomorrow.

Paddy was pulled over by a Dublin Police Officer, earlier today. The Cop asked, "Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir"..??? "No Officer", Paddy replied. "Well", the Cop said, "This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last Ten Miles or so"... "And your Driving has been Exemplary..! Correct Road Positioning, Perfect Observation and due regard for other Road Users". "Thanks very much, Officer"... Paddy said. "So do you reckon Sur, It's worth me getting me a Driver's Licence then"

The Teacher was telling her School Kids about the - “Birds and the Bees”, And she was explaining, what happens when a Man and a Woman meet and fall in Love, “Then Children. Nine Months later, the Stork usually brings them a Little Baby, from it’s very own, Soft, Feathery, Nest". . . ?!? Little Johnny at the Back of the Class put his Hand Up and asks the Teacher, "Hey Miss, are you sure about the Stork Bit, I think you're getting your Birds Mixed Up”..?!?!? ”Cos my Big Sister, just got a Little Baby”, “And she said, she got it from a sh@g in Scarborough”.

I'm getting a promotion and huge pay rise at the Military Camouflage Laboratory I work at, because I've finally perfected the invisibility suit. Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for six weeks.

As I walked into the park at 7am, I saw a man had been trapped under a fallen tree. He saw me and shouted “Get Help!”. “**** Off!” I replied as I took another swig from my bottle of vodka. “I can quit anytime I want!”.

I went to a psychiatrist and said: ‘Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you help me?’ The psychiatrist said: ‘No, but I can refer to a premature ejaculation support group." I asked about the dress code and the psychiatrist said "Most guys just come in their pants."

I was on a ladder putting a cinema poster up when a lady asked "Is King Kong Coming?" I said "No, it’s just the paste off my brush."

Too right, cookie boy.

The HMRC decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the HMRC office for an interview. The HMRC inspector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor. The inspector said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the HMRC finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The inspector thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.” The inspector thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The inspector’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.” The inspector can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned inspector now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the inspector’s desk. The inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the inspector asks. “Not really,” says the solicitor. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned to an interview for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”