ballpoint

The solution is obvious. Build a wall around Gregg Abbott for his own security.

One of the bits of the UK remained in the world cup slightly longer than Germany did.

Is it too soon for Christmas jokes? I've just been offered eight legs of venison for Christmas for £150. Do you think that's two deer?

A couple is lying in bed. The woman says, 'I am going to make you the happiest man in the world.' The man replies, 'I'll miss you...'

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.. And then the fight started....

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed... I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started....

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the expressway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

I can open all of my banking apps, Thai and overseas, by clicking the icon. I can check the account balance in each, but that's about all I can do at that point. If I want to do anything else, like set up a transfer, change my daily withdrawal limits for various methods, or even just see previous activity on my account, I need to use my fingerprint. Then, once I've setup and confirmed the transfer / new limits, I need to enter a 6 digit PIN for it to go ahead. This is standard for all my accounts, whether they be in Thailand, Australia, Isle of Man, and Singapore. I have no worries whatsoever about the security of the system. In fact, the apps make things even more secure, because they all give me a notification if someone has as much as looked at my account details anywhere. But, keep wearing the tin foil hat, and standing in line at the bank, if it gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Merry Christmas.

From the story in the OP: "Even more shocking are the reports that although Russian Defense Minister Ivanov has been sanctioned by Britain, the European Union and the United States due to his connection to Putin, his wife has not been sanctioned and has therefore been free to live her life despite the still raging war between Russia and Ukraine".

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - beer in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.