ballpoint

Nah. Those pants wouldn't fit me.

With a free one given to everybody who buys the complete set of Trump NFTs.

Well, his mother was extra virgin. Allegedly.

They're probably all at Mar-a-Lago.

There's a huge difference between a relatively small air filled cylinder submerged in water - where all the pressure is pushing inwards against a convex surface - and a tall, much larger tube filled with water - where all the pressure is pushing outwards against a concave surface. It's the same reason why large dams are built curving towards the water, and why archways don't collapse.

I wasn't going to visit my family this Christmas, but my mum promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion!

I went into the florists this morning and said: "Do you have tulips?" She said: "Yes and two eyes, two ears and a nose."

What’s the most popular Christmas wine? “‘But I don’t like Brussels sprouts!”

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for, and what happens Christmas morning? That fat ****** with the beard gets all the credit for it! I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F I N V E N T O R Z S F O F T H E E F G H J I O L P L Y Q W O R D S E A R C H H A S J P O D I E D G W

Well it's that time of year again when the £80 a week I invest in child maintenance finally pays off by providing me with a pair of f***ing socks.

I can barely walk any more. But at least my doctor says I'm getting a trophy.