ballpoint

Boy, get booted out of one world cup and they want to overthrow the government.

An electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

Late one evening a Royal Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken. When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a sailor,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired bootie assured him, “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How did you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the bootie “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

My wife was born female, she identifies as female. But according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding, she's a family of four.

BBC: UK net migration hits all-time record at 504,000. As if we didn't have enough trouble! Now we are being invaded by nets!

A 3 foot 4 inch tall man knocked at my door this morning. I said: "Who are you?" He said: "I'm the meter man".

Prince Andrew is reportedly getting an Amazon Alexa for Christmas. Alexa, 15, will be flying in from Brazil next week.

Henry Winkler sits down on a plane. The stewardess comes over and asks "would you like some head phones.?" He responds “sounds great. But it’s pronounced Fonz.”

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself I still can’t fly.

Elon Musk finally gets rid of his cave submarine.

The trains in Spain fall mainly on the plain.

In the case of Ukraine, it's because the US and UK guaranteed they would when it willingly gave up its share of Soviet nuclear warheads (it had a third of all warheads when the USSR broke up), and signed the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons Treaty in the Budapest Memorandum of 1994, exactly 28 years ago last Monday (Dec 5th). The United States of America, the Russian Federation, and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Welcoming the accession of Ukraine to the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons as non-nuclear-weapon State, Taking into account the commitment of Ukraine to eliminate all nuclear weapons from its territory within a specified period of time, Noting the changes in the world-wide security situation, including the end of the Cold War, which have brought about conditions for deep reductions in nuclear forces. Confirm the following: 1. The Russian Federation, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America reaffirm their commitment to Ukraine, in accordance with the principles of the Final Act of the Conference on Security and Cooperation in Europe, to respect the independence and sovereignty and the existing borders of Ukraine. 2. The Russian Federation, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America reaffirm their obligation to refrain from the threat or use of force against the territorial integrity or political independence of Ukraine, and that none of their weapons will ever be used against Ukraine except in self-defence or otherwise in accordance with the Charter of the United Nations. 3. The Russian Federation, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America reaffirm their commitment to Ukraine, in accordance with the principles of the Final Act of the Conference on Security and Cooperation in Europe, to refrain from economic coercion designed to subordinate to their own interest the exercise by Ukraine of the rights inherent in its sovereignty and thus to secure advantages of any kind. 4. The Russian Federation, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America reaffirm their commitment to seek immediate United Nations Security Council action to provide assistance to Ukraine, as a non-nuclear-weapon State party to the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons, if Ukraine should become a victim of an act of aggression or an object of a threat of aggression in which nuclear weapons are used. 5. The Russian Federation, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America reaffirm, in the case of Ukraine, their commitment not to use nuclear weapons against any non-nuclear-weapon State party to the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons, except in the case of an attack on themselves, their territories or dependent territories, their armed forces, or their allies, by such a State in association or alliance with a nuclear-weapon State. 6. Ukraine, the Russian Federation, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America will consult in the event a situation arises that raises a question concerning these commitments. UNTC

Merry Christmas.