ballpoint

Waiter: Comfortable? Me: No..... Come for food.

He seems to have wised up...

Maybe he could buy Huawei.

My wife's cooking is so bad. We pray after we eat.

My son asked me if he could come over for a meal tonight. I asked him if he liked second day soup. He said he loved it , so I told him to **** off and come round tomorrow then.

This fella in the pub sold me a rare, antique map of the Sahara Desert for only £20 last night. This morning when I sobered up I realised that it was a sheet of sandpaper. Still, got to take the rough with the smooth I suppose.

And it wasn't her punches that she was pulling.

You're just jealous that my keeper and I get to screw in a big bulb every night, while yours can't handle your balls outside her box, and even then she wears gloves to do it. But it's not all bad. Dribbling before you shoot can now be cured with the right therapy.

Try the OP:

I just mashed up some Kellogg’s Frosties into a paste & used it between my bathroom tiles. They’re Grrrrrrout!

The inventor of the knock knock joke has just been officially recognised. He was awarded the Nobel prize.

I've just bought the British Gas advent calendar. Every time I open a door a granny dies of hypothermia.

To all those who scoff at renewable energy: Solar power is the future. But it won’t happen over night.

My geography teacher asked if I could name a country without an R in it? I said: "No way".

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

I bought a new bag of dog food and it says great new taste. Who decided that?