ballpoint

I went to the chemist and asked "What do you recommend for diarrhoea?" Quick as a flash, he replied "Try the kebab shop over the road".

This is obviously some new meaning of the word "fears" that is being introduced to the world. I interpret it as a cross between "laughter" and "I told you so". After all, when getting over the laughter the headline induces, ones next thought is "Trump's truth is bankrupt? We knew that years ago. He's always been morally, ethically and truthfully bankrupt".

Children's books were much better back in my day.

I asked my wife if she'd like a diamond necklace for her birthday. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing instead.

A lovely young woman was on a bus breast feeding her baby who was having none of it, so she said “Now drink up, or I'm giving it to that nice man", pointing to a male passenger sitting opposite. Still the baby refused, and after this went on for a while, the bloke shouted “MAKE YOUR MIND UP! I SHOULD HAVE GOT OFF 3 STOPS AGO!”

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ." I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

These instructions on my insect killer are ridiculous. It says, ‘Do Not Spray Near Eyes’ Who cares about being that precise? I'm just going to spray the whole wasp.

An undercover cop called at my farm in yesterday evening. “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the **** I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this ******* badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the **** I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your ******* badge!”

It's scary how quickly time goes by. It seems like only yesterday I was celebrating the New Year, and now we're only two chancellors away from Christmas.