ballpoint

Redneck jump leads

And next on the "there's no hope for some people" list...

Safety first! Common sense second.

These so called "Speed Bumps" are rubbish. If anything they just slow you down.

Did you hear Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles played each other at tennis? It was endless love.

That should pan out well. I thought I'd planted it in soil with too many woks in it.

What idiot left the caption off the photo?

Not when you thought you were getting a tasty bivalve takeaway, but get home to find yourself face to face with the last prawn in the shop.

I threw a surprise bukkake party for my wife. Everybody came.....you should have seen her face!

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the supermarket that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

I went to an outdoor restaurant last night. It was a disaster. Pouring with rain. It took me nearly 3 hours to finish my soup.

"Come on. Will you just try it for size?" I asked my wife, "I spent loads on it and I only bought it because I thought you'd look great in it." She didn't reply. She just stood there slowly shaking her head and staring at the coffin.

A lamp post near me has gone missing. I’ve sellotaped posters to all the local cats.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

This headline must be the first time the words "succeed" and "Liz Truss" have appeared together.