ballpoint

In the town I live, everyone wears a jumper two sizes too small. Its a tight knit community.

Sadly, my pet duck died, and I told the vet to organise the cremation. When I said send me the bill that was not what I expected.

I took up playing Scrabble with my wife. I don't really like the game, but it's the only chance I have to get a word in.

I'm feeling a bit gutted today. I honestly thought my entry would win the giant butterfly competition. I told everyone I would win... Me and my big moth!

Four old guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. Not believing their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their Pints, and order another round. Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of Bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer. It's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at them, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with those guys?" "They're retired people from Yorkshire", says the barman. "They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price"

As kids we used to throw Scrabble tiles at each other, until our Mum shouted " stop it before someone loses an i "

Went to the hardware store and asked an assistant if they had any Jubilee clips ?" He said "no, but we have some footage of the funeral"

If it's a choice between a WWII German soldier and a dog as my grandfather, I'll take the dog thanks.

The centre is over Laos right now (12:13), and has pretty much broken up. Light rain and a bit of wind so far in Buriram.

Sunk it straight into the corner pocket. Unfortunately, destroyed the cue ball while doing so.

Funerals for the 0.77% will be held next week.

While it's good that Russians are voting with their feet, one can't but help wonder whether it would have been better for them to stay behind and actively protest at home. The cynic in me would also ask why, despite the war going on for around 8 months now, they didn't do anything about it beforehand? Only when their lives were directly affected did they bother taking any action, however self preserving it may be. My tongue in cheek comment earlier, about arming the over 100,000 mainly young men fleeing to Kazakhstan, and sending them back to fight Putin, is quite a serious one on further reflection. With all those headed to Georgia, Finland and other neighbouring countries, that would make a sizable resistance force. Especially with the Russian army desperate to send more bodies to Ukraine. (They may as well send bodies, as that is what they will be converted to shortly after arrival).

Arm them and send them back.

Come to Daddy and I'll make you a citizen. No guesses as to who.

No wonder nobody saw it in a while.

Someone must have grassed them up.

I asked the Doctor 'Is my being overweight due to my underactive thyroid?' He said 'No, it's due to your overactive knife and fork'

My career path over my life was to become a wit - I'm halfway there.

I thought that finally I was over my obsession with Tipperary, but my doctor says I still have a way to go.

I've just finished reading about the entire history of lubricant. It's the best non friction book I've ever read

While much is known about the great Diana Dors, very little is known about her sister Erin. Except she never went out much.