ballpoint

Broken Pub Quiz Machine For Sale, Going Cheap - No Questions Asked.

This is what the world has come to?

My mate’s wife has just left him because of his impotence. Still, no hard feelings eh!?

I've just received my bank statement and I noticed that I've had payments go out for a water pistol, a pair of size 20 shoes, a trumpet and a red nose. I phoned the bank and apparently my card's been clowned.

Be careful of fake salesmen currently doing the rounds. Just yesterday, one came to my door offering bargain priced enemas. He took my bank details and then cleaned me out.

My wife says I'm annoying by always wanting to have the 2nd to last word.

I told my mate the doctor that I'm having problems in the bedroom - He prescribed me Viagra. How the hell's that going to help me assemble my new IKEA wardrobe?

Today I made some burgers from scratch. My wife refuses to eat any of them, she loved that cat.

My wife suggested I drop my trousers at the dry cleaners, so I did. It got a round of applause, but I'm banned from going back.

I just found out that I failed the RAF entrance exam. Apparently, the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act.

After months of experimenting at work we have finally invented concrete birdseed. Its not only good, it’s impeccable.

Many, many years ago my great grandmother was in service. It was her job to get the family up for breakfast, so she used to shout jokes at them. She was a teasemaid.

My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now & she's picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early the other day to find her dressed in her magician assistants little sexy outfit. She looked confused, and quickly said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked. Poor Dave must've wondered what the heck was going on.

I woke up this morning to find someone had painted the word LEWL on my front door. I rang the police who agreed it’s well out of order.

When Gene Pitney died, his undertakers said that it would take two weeks to make him a coffin from oak, or twenty four hours from balsa.

Scum. I don't know how these people sleep at night.

Not much point. That would be like making a gun out of arsenic.

Why doesn't he cross the road?