ballpoint

I went into a shop and asked for a pie and chips. The shop keeper said "This is a hardware store, I think you need to go to Specsavers" So l went to Specsavers, but they don't sell them either.

I came home yesterday and the wife had been on eBay all day. If she doesn’t sell tonight I’ll have to lower the price,

Due to bird flu fears, I bought a face mask for my pet duck. It’s nothing fancy, but it fits the bill

Handy hint for a DIY-er on how to turn your sofa into a sofa bed. Forget your wife's birthday.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake. When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight. Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

Someone just rang my phone, sneezed, then hung up. Bloody cold callers!

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally, he gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.

My wife said let's spice things up and play doctors and nurses It was going really well 'til I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

Paddy walked up to a guy in the street, and asked, "Have you seen my daughter? She's been missing since yesterday," and then showed him a photo. Confused, the guy said, "That's just a picture of an empty chair." "I know, mate," Paddy replied. "I just told you she's missing!!"

A bloke takes his new car back to the garage and says to the mechanic "I just don't understand it, every time I drive past a vicar there's a beep and a number appears on the instrument panel" "Don't worry about it" says the mechanic, "that's the Rev counter"

Did you know that, although Napoleon didn't design his uniform, he did have a hand in it.

Just saw Cat Stevens' narrow boat floating down the canal. Mooring has broken.

The doctor told me I could have one drink of whisky before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 5 times.

From a link to a story posted further up this page: "Russia’s UN Ambassador Vassily Nebenzia said it was “absolutely false” that Russia was to blame for a global food crisis that had been brewing for several years. He accused Ukraine of holding foreign vessels in its ports and mining the waters and said the Russian military had repeatedly tried to open safe corridors for vessels". Antony Blinken accuses Russia of using food as a weapon in Ukraine (nypost.com) The only place this global food crisis has been "brewing for several years" is on Putin's drawing board. Given this statement, however, the solution to the current impasse is simple; Sail into the ports with a military convoy and blow anything that tries to stop them out of the water. The Russians can't complain as they insist that they're not the ones doing the blockading.

After an hour of applying her new beauty products, my wife said... How old do you think I look? I said, from your skin I'd say 24, from your figure I'd say 27, from your eyes I'd say 25.... She said.. Oh darling you're so sweet. I said... Hang on, I haven't finished adding it all up yet.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example I'm going to the wine store & I'm scared it will be closed.

I went to the Doctors this morning, he said I've now got very low blood pressure. So he's given me a prescription for 2 IKEA self assembly wardrobes.

I just subscribed to a new periodical magazine, "Diarrhea Sufferers Monthly". The first issue comes with a free ring binder.

This morning my wife said that she is leaving me. I asked why? She said because you don't take me seriously. I just laughed.

Proudly putting the "worst" into the worst joke thread: