ballpoint

Yes, let's not split hairs.

A fool and his wig are easily parted. (Sorry, couldn't resist. I can lend you a comb to make parting easier though).

Not cutting in. Just a question relevant to your post. Quite a coincidence.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried the rice.

I refer you to the post immediately above that one...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife..."

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

A man had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial grinder... He's fine now.

I hid in the wardrobe naked and as I heard my wife getting closer I burst out and pounced on top of her. Anyway, innocent mistake. Seems it was another Ikea customer.

News from Hollywood. MGM are producing a film of the Life of Dr Harold Shipman. Robert DeNiro will play the lead role in The Old Dear Hunter.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Regret is a useless emotion. I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

TOP TIP Start preparing for Christmas early by falling out with your friends and family now.

Especially one aiming to become a hardened criminal.