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Had some bad news last week. My American cousin barely survived being dragged through a counterfeiting press. He recovered well though, and now looks like a million dollars.

I got a part time job as a security guard at the National Ice Cream Museum. I'm bored stiff because we get no visitors. I just sit here all day long, staring at the Walls.

Someone just asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.

All this time, and I didn't realise that you can buy a birthday cake and eat it yourself anytime and nobody checks.

You need to study female anatomy

Lawrence gives a good summary of the DOJ's response to the Supreme Court. The more times he says "but it get's worse" (for Trump), the better it gets for everyone else (other than his supporters). One of those "it get's worse" moments is this quote: They knew all about the box moving before they obtained the warrant. There's a mole in Mar-a-Lago providing info to the FBI. Likely the same person who's "leaking" info to the press.

I said to my wife "I have taught the dog Morse code". The dog tapped his paw.. My wife asked "what did he say?" "woof" I replied.

I asked my wife to pretend she was a schoolgirl for our anniversary. She brought a note from her mum saying she had a headache.

Note that I didn't mention any Collies in my previous post. Today's a Ban Collie Day.

I've been cross breeding dogs, without much success. First I crossed a Bulldog with a Terrier and got a Terribull dog. Then I crossed a Bloodhound with a Labrador and got a Blabador, that barks incessantly. Finally I crossed a Bulldog with a Shih tzu, and got a, well, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

I walked down a road where all the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1Mb. That was a trip down Memory Lane.

I just heard that our local prosthetics shop is changing hands.

Lion King F.C. have made a great start to the season. A win away, a win away, a win away.

You're a dreamer.

I guess that means Kyrgyzstan won then. They secured a cease fire before firing even began.

Have you every tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you are missing!

Samuel Morse's wife, Dorothy walks into the office and says, "Sam, I'm running in a 100 yard sprint tomorrow, do you have any last minute advice for me ?" And he says - . - I'll telegraph for my coat.

I used to play drums in a band. One night after a gig I was amazed to see Phil Collins at the stage wings. He came up to me and asked if he could have a go on my drums. Of course, I said yes and Phil played a brilliant section on them then stood up walked away saying "Well it's not the drums".

A number of years ago I delivered a load of car parts to the South African president's house. He looked at the invoice and said 'nah mate, you want Nissan main dealer'

If you're walking down the street one night and you see a big guy who has beaten you up in the past coming towards you, and you look over the street and see another big guy, with a group of others walking with him, you don't have to be a chicken to cross the road and join their group for your own safety. Especially when, not only has that group offered you no harm in the past, but has actually supported you. Sure, big guy number one might not feel like beating you up again that night, but why take the chance? These "political commentators" who treat the whole thing as a school sports day, with the two captains choosing their teams, and you have to join one of them once chosen, are just peddling their own sick agendas. "No, you can't join Team A, because Team B picked you, and Team B's captain can give you a thrashing if you don't stick with him". Pathetic nonsense. These are independent countries we're talking about, who are free to ally themselves with whomever they choose.