ballpoint

Man walks into a bar with a pork pie sellotaped to his head Barman: "Excuse me, why have you got a pork pie sellotaped to your head? " Man: "I do this every Tuesday!" Barman: "But it's Thursday today! " Man: "Oh I must look a right idiot!"

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed. A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard. The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds. Faster and faster it spun, yet the man still clung on. 4, 5, 6 seconds. The bull was rotating furiously, the crowd was cheering, yet the man was still there. 7, 8 seconds! The crowd went crazy, the announcer was screaming down the microphone as the little man climbed off. The announcer said to the man “This is just incredible. No one else has done this before ! What is your secret?” The man replied “My girlfriend's epileptic“.

I thought that would spark a response.

More like my Ottoman. Dumpy with thick legs and a flat top.

During WWII at an airbase in France, the officers' bar is packed full of women all there to see Jean-Claude, zee greatest fighter pilot in the French-Canadian Airforce (and they say zee lover supreme). When Jean-Claude arrives the women gasp in delight but Jean-Claude ignores them. He orders a drink instead. As closing time approaches, Jean-Claude turns to look at the women. Suddenly he points at one and says "You, I will take you home tonight". When they get to Jean-Claude's home, Jean-Claude throws the girl roughly onto the bed and rips off her blouse. He then opens a bottle of red wine and pours it all over the girl's breasts, bends down and licks the wine up. The girl is aroused and shouts "Jean-Claude, take me now." but Jean-Claude says "I am Jean-Claude, zee greatest fighter pilot in zee French-Canadian Airforce when take you when I'm ready. He then opens a bottle of champagne and pours the contents over the girls stomach and starts to lick it up. The girl is delirious with passion now and repeatedly shouts "Oh Jean-Claude, take me now" but Jean-Claude says "I am Jean-Claude, zee greatest fighter pilot in zee French-Canadian Airforce when take you when I'm ready. Then Jean-Claude says rips off the girls panties and opens a bottle of vintage French cognac. He then pours it liberally over her. The girl is beyond deliriousnesss, when Jean-Claude strikes a match and throws it towards her. The girl is distraught "What are you doing, Jean-Claude? she demands. Jean-Claude replies "When I go down, I go down in flames"

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder. The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back. The second day, the son comes home having watched the rival chef prepare the chowder. They try again to make it, and it's close, but the consistency is off, it's too watery. They try to figure out what they're doing wrong, and the son realizes that he was distracted for a minute while the chef did something. "He must have added a secret ingredient, one not on the list, while you looked away!" concludes the owner. He sends his son back for a third day, this time telling him not to take his eyes off the chef for a second. The son comes back the next day excited. "You'll never believe what I saw!" he says. "He did have a secret ingredient, it's a piece of paper!" "A piece of paper?" "Yeah, he keeps a stack of printed paper in the kitchen. It's a bunch of Wikipedia articles he's printed out, of various movies. When he makes the chowder, he tears out the synopsis of a movie from one of the articles and puts it in. It's the strangest thing, but that's the secret ingredient." "Ah," says the owner, "the plot thickens!"

I have tattooed my chest with a grid featuring numbers down the side and letters across the top. I've really Excelled myself.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go

I'm not sure about the electrician I hired to do some work in my basement. I came home early and not only is he down there sleeping on the job, he's also now wearing his hair in a full afro.

I was in Turkey on holiday last week & came across one of those Turkish bath houses.... They shaved with a solid steel stoneground cut throat razor, singed the hairs inside the ears and nose, waxed off the chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the <deleted> crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub-down. Honestly, the missus has never looked so good!

The guy who invented the Ferris Wheel never met the guy who invented the Carousel. It turns out they worked in different circles.

That's just a stupid conspiracy theory!