ballpoint

Urinate, but if your puns were better I'd give you a ten.

Fred and Mary got married but they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my aeroplane glue."

A vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle. Although you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you people didn’t like it.

I recently swapped around all the labels on the spices in the spice rack. My wife hasn’t noticed yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale.

Teacher says, "OK class, tell me what you need at home." Suzy says, " We need a computer." Wendy says, "We could do with a car." Johnny says, "We don't need anything, Miss." Teacher says, " Come on Johnny, everyone needs something." "No Miss, My sister came home with her new vegan boyfriend and my Dad said, "That's ALL we ******* need."

Mary had just got married, and being a traditional Irish girl she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Mary, Mick's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making dinner.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Mick took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mummy, Mummy, Mick's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Mary,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Mick took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mummy, mummy, Mick took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Mick's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you..' So, up she went again. When she got there, Mick took off his socks and on his left foot, he was missing three toes. When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mummy, mummy, Micks got a foot and a half!' Her Mummy said, 'You stay here and stir the gravy and I'll go up!'

At my age, getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

Meanwhile, Putin visited Iran and met with Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who offered his left hand for Putin to shake - a massive sign of disrespect in the Middle East, given the tasks it is associated with.

Time to inaugurate the Donald J Trump memorial prison.